The Church (1989) Dir: Michele Soavi

Written and produced by Dario Argento, with daughter Asia Argento in a prominent role, this is an Argento movie, right?
The plot:
It's medieval Germany, and a group known as the Teutonic Knights roam the countryside, laying siege to villages suspected of being hiding placed for witches. When a witch is discovered - identified as they have stigmata on their feet in the shape of a cross(!) - the Knights surround the village, kill all that reside therein before burying the bodies in a mass grave.
Foolishly, in one instance, they build a church over the burial site. The fools.
Skip forward to present day and, in Germany, the great Cathedral still stands. Unwittingly, a researcher breaks the seal that contains the vengeful spirits of the villagers, killed all those centuries ago, and their souls emerge, to wreak havoc on all those trapped within the church.
And it's creepy stuff, for sure.
Argento, though not on directorial duties, has his fingerprints all over this, with lashings of atmosphere and oodles of suspense.
Argento seems to have a preference for directing the Giallo stuff, and leaving his more overtly gory tales for others - Demons 1 and 2.
The movie also features a wonderfully evocative soundtrack from long time Argento collaborators Goblins, as well as Keith Emerson of Emerson, Lake and Palmer fame, and Phillip Glass, who would later go on to compose the chilling score for Candyman.
Originally planned as Demons 3 - and still called that in certain territories - this is perhaps not an important addition to the Italian horror genre, but is nevertheless an effective one.
Good stuff.

4 out of 5

District 9 (2009) Dir: Neill Blomkamp

Neill Blomkamp's searing alien apartheid tract is an uncompromising study in excellence.
The plot:
In 1982, a gigantic alien spacecraft hoves into view, though not over Manahattan or Washington or L.A. as you may expect, but over Johannesburg. After no signs of communication or life are forthcoming, the ship is boarded and, within, a population of malnourished, terrified aliens are found.
Ferried to Earth, to begin with the aliens are given the same rights as humans - health care, benefits etc - but soon the people of Johannesburg begin to resent the 'prawns' and demand that they be removed. Interred in an area known as District 9, the area quickly falls into neglect and the aliens are forced to live in slum-like conditions. Soon, though, even this isn't good enough, and a plan is hatched to move District 9 some 200 miles from Johannesburg, forcefully evicting the aliens from their homes. Put in charge of the operation is Wikus Van De Merwe (Sharlto Copley), an officious, bureaucratic oaf. During an eviction, Wikus discovers some alien artifacts, and is sprayed in the face by a black, unknown substance. Hours later, Wikus is transforming, seemingly becoming one of the 'prawns' and, suddenly, his loyalties switch as his own government hunt him down to use as a weapon.
Unwanted by his wife or his family, Wikus flees to District 9......
Shot in a documentary style, this hurls you into the heart of the action, Blomkamp rendering every shot with an 'in the moment' energy that is breathless.
The camera takes in all it sees, never flinching from the degrading nature of both the conditions the aliens live in and the awful treatment that is meted out to them by meat-headed humans.
Sharlto Copley's Wikus is really put through the ringer and delivers an emotional, highly-wrought performance that sets the nerves on edge.
The movie is also notorious for courting some controversy amongst Nigerian communities with its depiction of the Johannesburg Nigerians as criminals and eaters of alien flesh but, given the political awareness of the movie, it seems unlikely the makers are a bunch of daft racists.
Packing a powerful punch, this is a masterful science fiction film, doing what all good sci-fi does: dealing with real-life issues through the conceit of sci-fi trappings.
Just excellent.

5 out of 5

The Seventh Seal (1957) Dir: Ingmar Bergman

Fantastical, surreal and darkly disturbing medieval tale from a true auteur.
The plot:
A Swedish Knight, Antonius Block, returns to his home town after battling in The Crusades along with his manservant, Jöns, to discover that their village has been riven by The Black Death.
As they approach the village, Antonius is granted a vision from Death himself, instructing him that his time has come and that he is to perish.
Not yet ready to go, Antonius challenges Death to a game of chess with the proviso that, if he wins, he is allowed to live on.
A haunting, melancholic meditation on life, death, suffering and the futility of existence, I've got to be honest and say that I found this rather impenetrable.
Whilst the lead performances, particularly Max von Sydow are certainly engaging, I found Bergman's directorial style to be alienating, the movie imbued with a coldness, a sterility that simply prevented true empathy.
Though doubtless a significant and worthy work of art, I would rather chew off my girlfriend's face than sit through it again.
Sorry.

3 out of 5

The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008) Dir: Scott Derrickson

Reanu Keeves stars as Klaatu in this skull crushingly stupid remake of a sci-fi classic.
The plot:
A large, glowing sphere takes control of an Arctic explorer type, and infuses him with the essence of a being known as Klaatu. Sent to Earth as a sort of scout party, to see if humanity is deserving of continuation, the rest of his buddies arrive in the form of loads more glowing spheres, the principle interest being on the one in Central Park, NYC from which emerges both Klaatu, who is promptly shot, followed by a giant robot, dubbed G.O.R.T. (Genetically Organized Robotic Technology!)
G.O.R.T. has the power to disrupt electricity and paralyse humans with sound waves.
Well, initially Klaatu determines that humanity is beyond redemption, so G.O.R.T. releases a bunch of nanobots which proceed to consume everything in their wake - cars, people, football stadiums - but then Klaatu has a revelation, as an annoying little shit stain takes him to a graveyard and demonstrates that humans aren't just warlike maniacs, after all, and they should be spared.
But is it too late?
And it is so head pummellingly thick in every regard, I was on the point of tears by the end.
Reanu is absolutely abject in his performance here, resembling a man who hadn't even bothered to learn his lines and was under the influence of some form of IQ draining condition.
The effects are OK, I guess, the plot is contrived and patronising and so fucking obvious if you haven't guessed how this will end after half an hour go check yourself into a clinic, post haste.
Brain sappingly poor, this only gains a mark for the laugh out loud performance of Reanu, which was certainly entertaining, but for all the wrong reasons.
Besides that, this is absolute rubbish.

2 out of 5

Anvil! The Story of Anvil (2008) Dir: Sacha Gervasi

Way back in the day, when NWOBHM ruled the world and it was acceptable to wear a denim jacket with patches of your favourite bands stitched to every available surface, there was this band called Anvil. Their first 3 albums, Hard 'n' Heavy, Metal on Metal and Forged in Fire received positive reviews all round and it seemed they were set for the big time but, due to bureaucratic bungling and a mystifying lack of label support, they never truly hit the big time.
Having influenced the generation that would go on to define metal for the next ten years, Anvil floundered.
Now, some 18 years later, this excellent documentary picks up with the founder members, Lips and Robb, at the tail end of a European tour that saw them playing to virtually empty venues, and on the verge of recording their 13th full length album.
Filled with charm, passion, a genuine sense of injustice - 2011's album release is titled Juggernaut of Justice, incidentally - this is all about human spirit triumphing above all else, overcoming obstacles that would see lesser men crumble.
The single-minded determination is something to truly marvel at and, frankly, should make Metallica blush.
An excellent rockumentary that would be a spoof to rival Spinal Tap if it weren't actually real life.
Just great.

5 out of 5

Stake Land (2010) Jim Mickle

It's post apocalyptic.
It's a vampire tale.
It's a post-apocalyptic vampire tale.
The plot:
The world has been decimated by a plague of vampires. America seems to have been the first to fall, the outbreak starting in the south and sweeping northward. People blockaded themselves into townships, but these proved useless. Now, all that survives of society is an occasional settlement, guarded fiercely, and a cult of religious fanatics known as The Brotherhood, keen that all should follow their God, and prepared to massacre anyone who resists.
We follow Mister, a craggy old vampire hunter, and Martin, a young man without a family who he has taken under his wing as they head north, attempting to find New Eden. Along the way, they'll meet skin headed brethren, blood spewing vampires and Top Gun's Kelly McGillis.
And it's quality stuff, to be honest.
An independent movie, this easily casts off the limitations that Hollywood imposes and offers instead a melancholic, relentlessly bleak little tale.
The special effects, though sparse, are effective enough, and the occasional moment of insane violence unsettling, for sure.
Tonally, this has echoes of Diary of the Dead, thematically, we can see glimpses of Near Dark and last years excellent low budget creature feature Monsters, so it's in damn fine company.
As with all good genre fare, this is allegorical if you care to look for it (the religious are worse than the infected), but this can just as easily be viewed as a straight forward monster movie, though a pretty damned downbeat one.
Not really breaking any new ground - although the vampire 'bombs' the Brotherhood drop were a novelty - this is still a sure-footed, miserabilist horror movie, just like Grandma used to make.
Liked it a lot.

4 out of 5

Ponyo (2008) Dir: Hayao Miyazaki

After the spellbinding Spirited Away and the hauntingly beautiful Howl's Moving Castle, Hayao Miyazaki here gives us an altogether more simplistic tale.
The plot:
Sosuke is a young boy who lives with his mother and father on a rocky outcrop right next to the sea, his father passing by occasionally on the ship he captain's.
One day, Sosuke discovers a small fish with a human face, names her Ponyo and keeps her in a bucket. When Ponyo disappears after having been 'rescued' by her wizard like father, she puts all her efforts into becoming human so that she can return to Sosuke and live life as a little girl instead of a fish!
And it is certainly enchanting, though somehow lacks the scale and scope of most of Miyazaki's previous output.
Coming across as slightly more 'child-friendly' than before, this didn't captivate to quite the same degree and, the worry is, now that Miyazaki has the support of Pixar, could we be seeing a slight watering down of his imagination to fit the Disney model more appropriately?
I hope to God not, as it was the riot of creativity that set him apart, and brought him to the attention of Pixar's John Lasseter in the first place, so to adapt to blend in would seem to make little sense.
With a sequel to Porco Rosso currently in production, I guess we'll find out soon enough.
Ponyo was good, but it was no Princess Mononoke.

4 out of 5

The Wrestler (2008) Dir: Darren Aronofsky

Director Darren Aronofsky is rapidly becoming a firm favourite here at Smell the Cult HQ. Helmsman of the utterly brilliant Requiem for a Dream and the stupendously good Black Swan, here he is slightly less intense, but I'd still like to smother him in cheese and pop him under the grill for five minutes, all the same.
The plot:
Mickey Rourke, looking more like Hellboy with each passing year, plays Randy 'The Ram' Robinson, a fading Pro-Wrestler whose best years are way behind him. Working part time in a supermarket, he still plies his real trade at weekends, though at small town halls rather than capacity stadia. When a heart attack sees his wrestling career brought to an abrupt end, Randy tries to patch up his life outside the ring; he wants a stripper to become his long term partner, he wants to work full time behind the deli counter at the supermarket, and he wants to make amends with his estranged daughter.
Inevitably, after years living hard and playing hard, Randy finds it difficult to re-enter the real world, and it's only a matter of time before the call of the ring lures him back, no matter the fact that it will probably kill him.
And it's a really touching affair.
Rourke is superbly cast and, I suspect, the role was written with him very much in mind.
With Marisa Tomei providing excellent support as stripper Cassidy - a remarkably brave role to take on for such an established actress, and one she was duly rewarded with an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actress, along with Rourke's Best Actor nomination - and some real pathos, this is a drama that is powerful and provocative, though it never quite reaches the stirring heights of intensity of some of Aronofsky's other works.
Great film, though.
Very good indeed.

4 out of 5

Mirrors (2008) Dir; Alexandre Aja

American remake of a Korean original, this is actually far better than it has any right to be
The plot:
Kiefer Sutherland is a washed out cop who has quit the force under mysterious circumstances and takes a job as a security guard at a burnt out shopping mall which suffered a fire several years previously and is still sitting, unused. He's got family trouble and is desperate for the cash.
The whole place is a wreck, except for several giant mirrors.
On patrol, Kiefer sees something strange within the mirror, and can't shake the feeling that he is not looking into the mirror, but that the mirror is looking back at him.....
And it's pretty spooky stuff.
Kiefer is in full on Jack Bauer mode, whispering gruffly before occasionally shouting furiously, which is a bit hard to take seriously, but the fact that this is helmed by Alexandre Aja (The Hills Have Eyes remake, Piranha remake, Haute Tension) lends this an air of credibility as he is, you know, a proper horror director, so handles the shocks really effectively, and delivers a real monster at the end that packs some punch and isn't just a limp and pointless CGI fest.
Seriously, it's pretty nasty, and I half expected it to start chanting "Dead By Dawn."
Yet to see the Korean original, though if the usual rule applies that the source Asian movie is vastly superior, it should be a cracker, as this one wasn't half bad.
Enjoyed it.

4 out of 5

Hero (2002) Dir: Yimou Zhang

Spellbindingly beautiful Chinese movie.
The plot:
Jet Li plays Nameless (that's what he calls himself!), an apparent hero for the Qin King, who has vanquished the three most deadly assassins, Sky, Broken Sword and Flying Snow, whose aim in life was to assassinate the King.
The King demands to know how such an innocuous seeming individual as Nameless could overcome such fearsome opponents, and has him recount his tale, occasionally allowing him to move closer to where he sits on his throne.
But the King has made a mistake, for Nameless is not a loyal disciple for Qin, but himself an assassin, who has hatched a dastardly plan to assassinate the King himself, with the help of his three collaborators, the assassins he claims to have killed.
It sounds more complicated than it is, and the structure works.
Described as Rashomon-like in composition - a movie I must make an effort to watch at some point - the movie uses flashbacks to recount a tale of intrigue and betrayal, all stunningly shot.
It truly is beautiful to watch, director Yimou Zhang, who also helmed the equally sumptuous House of Flying Daggers, having a real eye for artistic flair.
With spectacular stunt work and fight sequences, employing wire work in a way that simply adds to the air of majesty, this is just breathtaking movie making.
Fantastic.

5 out of 5

Mother's Day (2010) Dir: Darren Lynn Bousman

Yet another remake of an 80's horror, this could only be bad, right?
The plot:
A couple have recently moved into a new house and seem to be throwing some kind of birthday party, so their disgustingly attractive friends are around.
Meantime, three brothers are in a spot of bother. One's been shot in a bank heist gone wrong, badly, and is going to die, so they decide to head back to the family home which is, yep, you guessed it, the very same home the new couple have moved into. Once there, all manner of threats ensue as they take control, then call for Mother to tell them what to do next.
Enter stage right Rebecca 'Hand That Rocks the Cradle' De Mornay to pull her mad as a bucket of frogs schtick.
And it's pretty nasty, and pretty violent, which is no surprise since director Bousman also directed Saws 2,3 and 4.
Thing is - and this is a big problem for me - it's 112 minutes long.
What the fuck?
This is an exploitation movie. Why on Earth is it so long? 90 minutes tops, people which, coincidentally is the precise run time of the original, a movie I am yet to see but which, by all accounts, is not very good at all.
So here we have it.
2011.
They've remade all of the decent horror from the 70's and 80's - well, maybe not The Exorcist or Hellraiser, but they can't be too far away - so now they are turning to the mediocre.
Save for one pretty entertainingly disturbing scene next to a cash machine (I won't spoil it, but it is nice and twisted, and shows Bousman's Saw related heritage) this is not even deserving of the accolade average.
Boring.

2 out of 5

Bad Taste (1987) Dir: Peter Jackson

Peter Jackson is now world renowned as the Oscar winning director of The Lord of the Rings trilogy but, way before his rise to multiplex filling prominence, he was just a splatter fiend from NZ.
The plot:
Somewhere in rural New Zealand, an entire town, population around 75, has disappeared. A team of pretty inept investigators are on scene and discover that the citizens have been chopped up and boxed up by some form of intergalactic alien race to replenish their own version of MacDonald's, and only they can stop the menace from spreading.
Very silly, very gory and quite, quite nasty, this is gonzo, guerrilla film-making with bags of energy.
Jackson himself stars as the clumsy Derek who foolishly falls off a cliff whilst battling some alien nasties, and smashes his skull open, spending the rest of the movie having to pop bits of his own brain back in to keep him functioning properly.
With lashings of gore, and I mean really, really icky gore, this is a genuine cult classic that Jackson would go on to better with 1992's Braindead.
An amateur New Zealand gore movie that manages to be more engaging than most Hollywood horror?
Now there's a surprise.....

4 out of 5

1408 (2007) Dir: Mikael Håfström

Based on a short story from Stephen King, initially released only in audiobook form, annoyingly, this starts out rather promisingly.
The plot:
The always interesting John Cusack plays Michael Enslin, a writer of paranormal tales rooted in genuine research. His style is based on visiting famous haunted locations, and reporting on how and why they are actually not haunted.
Coming from a sceptical point of view, Enslin feels that he is invulnerable to the paranormal until, one day, he checks into room 1408 of the Dolphin Hotel in New York and, before even an hour is through, he is stark raving mad, seeing phantoms of his deceased daughter and, most traumatically of all, hearing The Carpenter's on a permanent loop.
How ghastly.
Swedish director Mikael Håfström crafts an interesting tale, though one that does veer towards the ridiculous towards the end.
After an initial promising build up, and some moments of genuine fright, we drift into the surreal and, much like this year's Insidious, it quickly loses any sense of menace, instead leaving you goggling at the screen at the preposterousness of what's happening.
Still, Cusack is always an engaging on screen presence, and the tale does just about have the momentum to carry through to the end, but this is no classic.
Average fright fodder.

3 out of 5

Toy Story 3 (2010) Dir: Lee Unkrich

The best of the Toy Story movies and, it must be said, one of the best third parts in any movie franchise, with the movies getting stronger as the series progressed.
The plot:
Andy's all grown up now, 17, and heading off to college. His mom instructs him to sort out his room before he leaves, take what he wants with him, store what he wants to keep in the attic and junk the rest. Intending to keep Woody with him, and store all the other toys, his mother misunderstands and mistakenly sends the bag with the toys out for the bin men to collect.
So begins a rollercoaster ride as Woody tracks them down and tries to convince them to return home. Along the way, they'll be imprisoned, be menaced by a giant baby-thing and a large purple bear, and slide inexorably towards a fiery pit of death.
With lashings of humour, this is multi-layered to the point that it is almost like two films are playing at once; one for the growed ups, and one for the kids.
The sentimental stuff is dealt with wonderfully well - at no point is the bile gland ever activated.
With some genuinely heart-plucking moments, an ending so riven with pathos, seriously, if you aren't touched you have no fucking soul, and a really fantastic cameo from Studio Gibli's Totoro, John Lasseter paying due deference to Miyazaki, as well he should.
Don't be put off by the thought that these are kids films.
They are that, but much more besides.
Loved this.

5 out of 5

The Shawshank Redemption (1994) Dir: Frank Darabont

I'll let you in on a secret.
I have avoided watching this movie simply because I was sick and tired of being told how fantastic it is.
I was sick to the back teeth of the hype, of the fact that it is at #1 on IMDB, by the film critics banging on about it in a seemingly endless back-slap-a-thon that brought tears flowing out of my ears, such was the build up of pressure in my cranium.
But you know what?
It's bloody great.
I'll forsake the usual plot details here as, frankly, if you don't know what this is about by now, you're really not trying. Suffice to say there's a whole bunch of time spent in Shawshank, then we get fifteen minutes or so of redemption at the end.
The performances all round are exceptional, the stand out for me being Morgan Freeman, just slightly ahead of Tim Robbins.
But the real star turn here is by Frank Darabont, writer director and all round good egg, he seems to have a real passion for the writings of Stephen King (he also directed The Green Mile and the stunning The Mist), on whose short story this is based.
Compelling, funny, violent, harrowing, heart-warming (though in a good way), this is complex and riveting from start to finish and, frankly, I now feel I have wasted 17 years of my life that could have been spent watching this every few months.
Magical stuff.

5 out of 5

Toy Story 2 (1999) Dir: John Lasseter, Ash Brannon, Lee Unkrich

Four years in the making, this sequel to 1995's Toy Story is a more mature, more ambitious affair.
The plot:
A toy collector steals Woody from a yard sale, knowing something that Andy and his mom clearly do not: the cowboy toy is actually valuable, being the only piece missing from his collection associated to an old TV show and, with Woody now procured, he is set to make a mint.
But Andy's toys are having none of it, and set off on a quest to rescue their friend from the thieving collector's clutches.
With more thrills and spills than the original, and the blessed relief of only one fucking song, this seems altogether more accomplished.
Laugh out loud funny at times, even for adults, the creators chuck plenty of entertainment at the screen, including some knowing nods for movie buffs, my personal favourite being the Jurassic Park reference as Rex chases the toy car.
With a great plot, a cast of characters you can't help but like and an excellent script, this can't help but entertain.

4 out of 5

Toy Story (1995) Dir: John Lasseter

Pixar's breakthrough smash hit is a sentimental, though reasonably engaging affair.
The plot:
Woody is a toy cowboy whose owner, Andy, receives a birthday gift of Buzz Lightyear, a swanky, confident spaceman, with wings, a laser beam and communications systems.
Understandably, Woody is concerned that, with Lightyear in the picture, he will be cast aside with all the other unwanted toys.
And it is really enjoyable.
Pixar somehow manage to walk that line between sentimental cosiness and puke inducing saccharine, always staying just this side of acceptable, their movies feeling warm and lovely rather than racking you with stomach cramps.
Even the presence on lead voice of Tom 'despicable entity' Hanks can't ruin this one.
Not perfect - the songs are a little hard to take - this is nevertheless a confident, engaging introduction to the creative powerhouse that Pixar would swiftly become.

3 out of 5

Street Trash (1987) Dir: J. Michael Muro

Some films just scream cult classic.
The plot:
An unscrupulous off licence owner discovers a case of something potent called Viper in his basement and, not really knowing what it is, decides to sell it to the local wino's.
Good idea.
Except for the fact that something in the extra strong brew causes the flesh to slew from the bones in a shower of rampant gore.
With clear social commentary cutting through the madness, this does what good horror should do and sends a message as well as causing disgust.
Whilst the level of production is poor even for low budget offerings, this is clearly because all of the budget was spent on the SFX, and absolutely splendid they are too.
Fans of splatter will be well and truly satisfied by this, as the melting sequences are truly grotesque. Indeed, this is perhaps the most notorious of the bunch of movies loosely brought together under the umbrella term 'melt movies,' though Brian Yuzna's Sociey and Robert Feust's The Devil's Rain are also strong contenders, with honorable mentions for Body Melt and Class of Nuke 'Em High.
As far removed from mainstream horror (the Saws, the God awful Michael Bay produced remakes et al) as it is possible to get, this is one for cult devotees only, and only those with a strong stomach need apply.
Good stuff.

3 out of 5

Moon (2009) Dir: Duncan Jones

Director Duncan Jones' directorial debut is a highly accomplished affair.
The plot:
Sam Bell (played by Sam Rockwell) is a lone astronaut coming to the end of a three year stint on the dark side of the moon, where he is in charge of maintenance and operation of a process shipping a resource back to Earth which helps alleviate the planet's power shortages. With only a few short weeks to go until the ship arrives to take him home, Sam has an accident and awakens to find that it seems he is no longer alone.
And what's more, the new arrival looks exactly like himself......
With a genuine feel of such excellent retro fare as Alien, Silent Running, 2001 and even Blake's 7, this is well steeped in sci-fi conventions.
Jones does a fantastic job of instilling a real sense of claustrophobic paranoia, clearly demonstrating his knowledge of the genre.
Now, an interesting thing: Jones is son of that well known pop / rock / goth sensation David Bowie, the housewives favourite, which would normally irritate, with suspicions of nepotism elevating to positions of stardom and esteem far in excess of the individual's talent, but that is simply not the case here.
A joyously tense slice of quality sci-fi that we have not seen in manies the year.
Loved it.

5 out of 5

The Astronaut's Wife (1999) Dir: Rand Ravich

Science fiction and romance?
Can it possibly be true?
The plot:
Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron play the perfect couple.
She's a primary school teacher with a class full of kids so obedient they may as well be fucking automatons.
He's an astronaut, jetting off on one last mission.
On the mission, he and his astro-buddy have to perform a space-walk and, whilst outside the spacecraft, something happens.
For two minutes, contact is lost.
Upon return to Earth, Depp's character seems OK, but his companion is clearly damaged in some way, and it's not long before he's dead and his wife has committed suicide.
Theron discovers she is pregnant with twins and slowly, slowly, she begins to suspect that whatever came back from space that day was not her husband at all.....
There's a few problems here:
First: Depp and Theron's characters are so puke-inducingly perfect that I found it impossible to feel any form of compassion. Clearly never having suffered a day in their lives, so happy and content did they appear, I felt a period of terror and disquiet would do them good.
Second: The plot is nothing new, though it seems to think it is. Anyone who has seen Ambassadors of Death from classic Doctor Who will certainly know what I mean - "Something came back from Mars" barks Jon Pertwee's Doctor - then there's Lifeforce, Rosemary's Baby (even Theron's hairstyle invokes memory of the Polanski classic), Invaders yadda yadda yadda.
Thirdly: It is cripplingly slow, ponderous to the point of pain. By the time the tension and vague suggestion of something unpleasant does kick in, you've already lost the will to inflate your lungs.
Too sappy and saccharine for proper sci-fi fans, too sci-fi for sap fans, not horrific enough by far for horror fans, this seems to be caught in three minds, and fails to deliver on any of them.
Unnecessarily dull, then.

2 out of 5

Face/Off (1997) Dir: John Woo

Very silly, very noisy action sci-fi guff from Hong Kong's Sultan of Stunts John Woo.
The plot.
Nicolas Cage is Castor Troy, supercriminal, one of the most wanted men on the planet, involved in arms, drugs and terrorism.
John Travolta is Sean Archer, a cop haunted by the death of his son at the hands of Troy, his sole focus catching the child-killing son of a bitch, to the exclusion of all else, including the love of his wife.
We join the action as Archer finally manages to take down Troy, almost killing him, which wouldn't normally be a problem but, thing is, Troy has planted a bomb somewhere in L.A. and only he and his brother know the exact location, and his brother won't cooperate.
Using a new scientific procedure, Archer is able to take the face of Troy - literally take the face right off and stitch it to his own - to infiltrate the prison gang of Troy's brother
All goes well until Troy kills everyone who knows about the swap, leaving Archer in prison with another man's face, and Troy on the outside world, acting as husband to Archer's wife......
It's totally ridiculous, of course, but there is no denying the entertainment factor.
Cage and Travolta seem to be thoroughly enjoying themselves, effectively playing each other, attempting to affect the mannerisms of the other man.
Sure, the plot creaks like an old walrus, but the leads are engaging enough, Cage perfectly suited to the mania driven performance and Travolta is just plain fucking weird anyway, so seems well cast.
The action set pieces are efficiently crafted, as you would expect from Woo, but the movie does suffer from unnecessary length and, had twenty minutes been shaved off in the editing room this would be a genuine action classic.
As it is, damn good fun, but flags towards the conclusion.
Good, though.

3 out of 5

Cars (2006) Dir: John Lasseter, Joe Ranft

Possibly the least highly rated of the Pixar movies?
The plot:
Young, brash, arrogant racing champion Lightning McQueen learns a few life lessons when he becomes lost in Radiator Springs, a town the world seems to have forgotten since a flyover was built. Having caused much damage to the towns' only road, Lightning must stay until everything is fixed and restored, perhaps to the towns' former glory, before returning to the limelight to compete in the biggest race of his life which, if he wins, will claim the much sought after Piston Cup.
Charming, funny, warm-hearted without being saccharine, Pixar have a knack for delivering high quality entertainment.
I must confess, I was a late convert, having seen Toy Story upon initial release and finding it too 'kiddy', the latter Pixar work seems a vast improvement.
With animation that will leave you speechless, this is family entertainment that anyone can enjoy.
Really, really liked it.

4 out of 5

X-Men: First Class (2011) Dir: Matthew Vaughn

Fifth movie outing for the mutant franchise, surely everyone is getting a little bit sick of it all by now?
The plot:
It's 1963 and Charles Xavier, a young Professor at Oxford University, becomes increasingly aware of the flourishing of mutant's in the world, and the potential war that is to come, both between 'normal' people and mutants, and within mutant circles, as lines of dominance are forged.
So it is, against a backdrop of growing hostilities between USA and USSR, which would culminate in the Cuban Missile Crisis with the world on the brink of thermonuclear war, that he forms his school for mutants and, with his first intake of pupils, must ensure a peaceful resolution to the Cuban situation.
Being an origins story, much of the focus here is on establishing just why the characters we are familiar with at a latter point in their chronology behave as they do and, in that, this movie is successful.
Having never read the comics, it is difficult to say how accurate they are in terms of the series mythos, but everything seemed to make sense, fine and dandy like.
Other plus points include Kevin Bacon's creepy turn as Sebastian Shaw, the villain of the piece to begin with, until Magneto steps forward, as well as some cool new mutants, in particular Tron disc throwing Havok.
But it's all a touch dull, in truth.
There's no real sense of urgency or dramatic tension.
We know the mutants are going to survive.
We know Professor X and Magneto are going to come through in the end and we know that, in the final showdown, Professor X will be paralysed.
We know all of that, and the writer's don't really give us anything else to chew on.
Functionality is the key word here.
The direction is functional.
The plotting is functional.
The performances are functional.
Nothing stands out, there's no flair, no surprises, nothing to genuinely excite, which is a real surprise considering the director's last movie was the simply excellent Kick Ass.
Can't say it's rubbish, folks, but it's a little in one ear,out the other.

3 out of 5

Doomsday (2008) Dir: Neil Marshall

What an odd movie.
The plot:
It's 2007, and Scotland is ravaged by a deadly infection that sees the flesh slew off the bones of all infected. Unable to contain the outbreak, the authorities quarantine the entire northern area of the British Isles, effectively cutting the country in two, building a wall in the same spot as Hadrian some two millennia previously to isolate the spreading disease.
Skip forward thirty years, and a fresh outbreak occurs, this time in London. With news revealed to the desperate British Prime Minster that an apparent cure is evident in Scotland, a crack squad of military types are despatched.
Their mission:
Find the scientist known as Kane who, when last known alive, had been working on such a cure and bring him back to England.
The price for failure in the mission?
Banishment to the infected wastelands of Scotland....
A tried and tested plot, really, with echoes of Escape From New York, 28 Days Later, Lifeforce and more besides.
Stylistically, this is pretty confused.
The initial scenes recall the aforementioned Lifeforce but, when the military enter Scotland, we are treated to a quarter of an hour or so of full on Aliens style action, replete with lines lifted straight from the sci-fi horror classic, as well as design that also borrows heavily - the guns, the vehicle etc.
Then things take an altogether bizarre turn, as we focus on the surviving residents of the infected zone, a rowdy band of bloodthirsty cyberpunk types that could have been lifted right off the set of Mad Max.
With an undeniable energy, lashings of gore and a black, black heart, this is a melting pot of genre cliches, all fused together to create something new, something a bit different, and something that is most definitely enjoyable, without being altogether convincing.
The OTT costume designs and wonderfully overplayed performance by Craig Conway as Sol, leader of the Scottish maniacs are a little difficult to swallow but, forget all that and just go along for the ride.
Marshall is an undeniable talent in the genre field, yet to truly put a foot wrong. With Dog Soldiers, The Descent and Centurion also under his belt, he is clearly a director to look out for if visceral, genre-literate cinema sets your fluids in motion.
Flawed, then, but highly entertaining all the same.

4 out of 5