Deathwatch (2002) Dir: Michael J. Bassett

Down and dirty horror movie with an unusual setting.

The plot:
It's World War 1, and the British are pinned in place in their trenches by the German forces who, in their own trenches, have the distinct advantage of owning machine guns.
One group of soldiers, Company Y, head 'over the top' and advance on the enemy lines, and are mercilessly strafed by bullets. A fog descends and suddenly it is daytime, and the guns have been silenced.
The survivors pick their way to the German trench and, bar a couple of survivors, find it is deserted and, more mysteriously, the place is littered with bodies, the German's having apparently turned on themselves.....

It's a really intriguing opening sequence, and sets the mood for what is a brooding, atmospheric piece of horror that is damned original, not least because of the setting.
With rain lashing down constantly, the trench crawling with rats and everything in sight coated in thick, grey mud, director Michael J. Bassett does a fine job in bringing to life the horror of The Great War.
With some variable performances from the ensemble British cast, this does tend towards the rather shouty, though this is entirely down to the location, as men are forced to bellow over the sound of lashing rain.
With a reasonably low rating on imdb, seems some people aren't digging the vibe quite as much as I did, which is a shame, as this is a superior slice of British horror.
Enjoyed this.

4 out of 5

Conan the Barbarian (2011) Dir: Marcus Nispel

Remake of the cult sword and sorcery favourite.

The plot:
Conan is a man born of battle, whose mother gave birth on the field of war. Conan belongs to the tribe known as the Cimmerian, residing in the land of Hyboria. When, as an adolescent, Conan witnesses his village being razed to the ground and his father murdered, he adopts the life of a wanderer but, as is the way of these things, his wandering days cannot last and, eventually, his life must come full circle as he faces the man responsible for his father's death.....

With Baywatch stalwart Jason Momoa in the lead role, this is a real mess of a movie. One battle scene leads to another battle scene leads to another, with nothing by way of character development in between, to make you care about the stuff that's actually taking place.
Momoa broods, holds aloft his broad sword and flares his nostrils menacingly as required but, in truth, he's not very good when called on to do anything else like, you know, speaking for instance.
There's some guff about a tyrannical ruler searching for a 'pure-blood' so that he can become a God but, frankly, the whole thing was so terribly tiresome I stopped watching the film and started listening to my mp3 player after about an hour.
Far and away the most tedious film I've seen in a while, even copious amounts of bare-breasted wenches couldn't save this one.
Didn't like the original much.
Really hated this.

1 out of 5

Final Destination 5 (2011) Dir: Steven Quale

I have to fight every instinct I possess not to get snotty about shit like this.

The plot:
On their way to a management 'empowerment' weekend, a group of super good looking fuckniks escape death via a suspension bridge collapse when one of their number 'perceives' the event in advance.
Then Death comes to claim the souls that escaped his evil clutches.

Look, we all know the setup here:
This is nothing to do with making movies. This is simple, efficient choreography and engineering combined.
Choreograph the steps involved in setting these wankers up for death.
Engineer suitable premises to lop off their heads / squish their skulls / rip out their guts / burn out their eyes.
It's horror by numbers that is no more complex than the colour by numbers books we all used to complete as dribbling infants and, frankly, I despise myself for having wasted 90 minutes watching the dross.
Whilst some of the death sequences were pretty imaginative, as multiple hazards were laid as red herrings before the ultimate death move, this is lowest common denominator fodder that bored the piss out of me. Literally. I visited the lavatory twice during the runtime, just for something to do.
Really this is a one 'Cult Skull' rated movie, and I've only added a skull due to the cameo of Tony 'Candyman' Todd, who is always a welcome screen presence.
Dull as the proverbial Death.

2 out of 5

Cowboys and Aliens (2011) Dir: Jon Favreau

With a title that just screams popcorn entertainment, Jon 'Iron Man' Favreau behind the camera, and the acting talents of both James Bond and Indiana Jones on screen, this has to be fantastic, right?

The plot:
It's the Wild West, and Daniel Craig's Jake Lonergan is a wanted man.
Awakening in the desert with no memory, and with a Predator-like gauntlet strapped to his wrist, Jake winds up in Absolution, a fading mining town that has seen better days. Having got on the wrong side of pioneering businessman Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford) it seems Jake is to spend the rest of his days behind bars, that is until an attack squadron of alien spacecraft strafe the town, metal chains descending from the heavens to ensnare the townsfolk and carry them off.
Then Jake's gauntlet activates, and the fight back begins.....

Let's begin with a bit of a complaint.
All of the reviews of this I have heard and read seem to suggest that mixing the Western and sci-fi genres is somehow dazzlingly new and inventive.
Joss Whedon must be pissing blood from his eyes in frustration.
Does no-one remember the simply excellent Firefly, and spin-off movie Serenity? Or Westworld for that matter.
Anyway, that gripe aside, this begins as a surprisingly serious straight ahead Western, as the Man With No Name (sic) arrives in town and ruffles a few feathers and, it has to be said, it's pretty entertaining stuff.
Daniel Craig is excellent as the tall, handsome, hard as fucking nails stranger - seriously, you would not want to fight this man - and Harrison Ford is a welcome presence too as the crotchety, dangerously blood thirsty old fart.
Then the aliens turn up and things begin to fall apart.
See, this is a much better Western than it is a sci-fi movie and, frankly, the sci-fi stuff just feels like it has been added in for the sake of the gag title. It's almost as if they thought of the title, then had to figure a way to crowbar a plot from within it.
Though Craig and Ford get most of the screen time, the smokin' hot Olivia Wilde is a bit wasted, really, which is a shame as she is a fine performer, not just eye candy.
With a plot that peters out with a depressingly predictable special effects fest that goes on for fucking ages, this really needed tighter editing, as they could easily have shorn thirty minutes off the run time and vastly improved it in the process.
A bit of a wasted opportunity, then, and one reflected in the poor box office takings both in the UK and The States.
Disappointed.

3 out of 5

The Inbetweeners Movie (2011) Dir: Ben Palmer

Big screen outing for the smash hit comedy from the UK's Channel 4.

The plot:
Will, Jay, Simon and Neil are finished with school. With a rousingly hate-filled farewell message from Greg Davies' Mr. Gilbert, the foursome contemplate joining the depressing, responsibility laden world of adulthood but, with Simon lovesick for Carli, the gang decide to head off to Crete for one last hurrah: sex, booze, flange, gash, klunge and flaps all available on tap.
Inevitably, all does not go quite to plan.
Arriving at their hotel, the building is more reminiscent of a dilapidated prison than a luxury apartment complex.
Heading into town, they are tricked into going into an awful nightclub and, worse news for Simon, it seems Carli is in town.
Will the four of them find the 'love' they so desperately crave?
Will Jay be able to stop spouting bullshit long enough to even talk to a woman.
And will Neil be able to resist shitting in that bidet?

Sitcom transitions are fraught with pitfalls: the thirty minute format overstretched by the runtime; the characters being removed from their usual surroundings; the need to appeal to a wider audience.
Though not perfect, The Inbetweeners movie does a pretty decent job of avoiding these problems, save for the runtime, which does flag, particularly in the middle third.
With a guaranteed following that has seen the movie take the number one spot in the UK from the excellent Planet of the Apes reboot, this is one that will divide audiences, for sure, into those that know and love the series and those that don't.
If you've never seen the TV show, this would be a really bad place to start.
With plenty of gross-out humour, more cock and balls being shaken around, quite literally, on screen than is commonplace, and plenty of hideous language, I for one rather enjoyed this.

4 out of 5

The Others (2001) Dir: Alejandro Amenábar

Quite why director Alejandro Amenábar has not made a movie in near seven years is anyone's guess.

The plot:
A war widow named Grace (Nicole Kidman) retreats to a mansion on Jersey at the tail end of the Second World War, the only part of the British Isles to have been successfully invaded by Hitler's Nazi's. She occupies the house with her two children, both of whom suffer from a debilitating affliction, the major symptom of which is acute photosensitivity.
Confined to the house, unable to be touched by daylight, the children insist to their mother that they are not alone in the mansion, that there are Others occupying their living space.

Amenábar crafts a spooky scenario with some conviction, foregoing cheap shocks and frights in favour of a creeping sense of dread that is almost palpable as the movie progresses.
With solid performances from all, even Kidman who, as far as Smell the Cult HQ is concerned, is about as wishy-washy as they get, this is unnerving and deftly handled.
If torture porn is your bag, forget this, as we see nerry a shot of guts or viscera, instead being treated to a building sensation of genuine fear.
A cut above most modern horror, this is both frightening and thought provoking, and only loses a mark for being a touch too drawn out.
Good, solid psychological horror.

4 out of 5

The House of the Devil (2009) Dir: Ti West

Skillful and intelligent throwback to prime late seventies and early eighties horror, this is almost perfect.

The plot:
A student at college is desperately sort of money, and worried she will not be able to pay her next rent. In sheer desperation, she applies for a babysitting position but, when she arrives at the house, is told that she will not be babysitting a child, but an old woman. Dubious, her need for cash over-rides her understandable reluctance. Left alone with the old woman on the night of an eclipse, things begin to take a turn for the sinister as the lunar eclipse approaches....

Beautifully shot, with strong performances from lead Jocelin Donahue and, in particular, the always creepy Tom 'Cain' Noonan, this is retro to the point of plagiarism, and that's no bad thing at all.
The atmosphere right from the off is eerie, and this only builds as the movie progresses, though one criticism is it takes a hell of a long time to reach the pay-off but, when it arrives, it is more than worth the wait.
One point taken off for a spoiler within the opening credits of the film itself - the write-up that appears on screen at the start kind of gives the game away about what is actually happening in the house and erodes some of the mystery, which is a shame - this is nevertheless a fine example, in this era of bland Hollywood horror that is about as frightening as candy floss, of how to make a solid, edgy, damned scary film.
Liked it.

4 out of 5

The Devils (1971) Dir: Ken Russell

Ken Russell's censor baiting tale of fornicating nuns and demonic possession is a challenging affair.

The plot:
It's 17th century France, and a powerful Cardinal seeks to take ultimate control of his dominion. All have fallen before his sword save for one enclave, governed over by a decidedly dubious Priest, who refuses to bow to orders. Demanding a proclamation before he will yield authority, a ruse is plotted to topple his authority: accuse the priest of demonic possession, and all who follow him.

Ken Russell is a filmmaker who, intentionally or otherwise, courts controversy. Whether it's challenging relationship and gender boundaries in Women in Love or baffling audiences with his interpretation of Lair of the White Worm, his is a style that is most definitely unique.
The term auteur seems to have been coined for him alone.
With images designed to shock, especially when the nuns cast off their chaste and innocent shackles and set about masturbating and fornicating with some gusto, this is a movie with one clear intent: to challenge the viewer at every turn.
And it's a tough watch.
I'm not one easily offended and, truthfully, at no point was I shocked by this, but I was fatigued by the experience. As the movie progresses, so Russell cranks up the intensity to levels that Oliver Stone circa Natural Born Killers could only ever dream of.
An important movie, and one that has only recently been reinstated to it's original form and, to the best of my knowledge, one that remains banned in the UK in it's uncut state.
A film that every movie lover should see, though I suspect only a select few will find much to enjoy.

4 out of 5

Pandorum (2009) Dir: Christian Alvart

Sci-fi horror action is the name of the game here.

The plot:
Awakening from cryogenic suspension on board a spacecraft two astronauts, Bower (Ben Foster) and Payton (Dennis Quaid) have no recollection of either who they are or what they are doing on the ship. After managing to restart some of the systems, the pair discover a problem with the ship's reactor, so Bower heads out to do some jiggery-pokery with the technology and, along the way, discovers that the ship is in fact infested with cannibals, which may once have been human, but certainly aren't anymore.
Surviving a couple of skirmishes, Bower meets up with another survivor and, it turns out, he and Payton may have been asleep for a very, very long time.

It's a decent set-up, and has a genuine, authentic sci-fi feel, to the point that at times it seems as if you may be watching another film entirely.
That bit? Yeah, bit like Event Horizon.
That bit? Yeah, akin to Alien.
Even the set design is guilty of plagiarism, as the ship could be The Nostromo, The Nebuchadnezzar or the Event Horizon.
An issue here, also, is the plot momentum as, after the initial mystery is solved reasonably quickly, the driving force is the showdowns with the cannibals and, though the creature design is good, I absolutely hated the fast editing employed whenever they were on screen, giving the movie a real pop video feel, as popularised by the variable talents of Michael Bay and Tony Scott.
Still, the ending is decent enough.
Liked it, then, but wanted to like it a lot more.

3 out of 5

Wind Chill (2007) Dir: Gregory Jacobs

Gregory Jacobs' Wind Chill is a creepy, if not altogether convincing affair.

The plot:
An unnamed girl (Emily Blunt) needs to get back to Delaware for the Christmas holiday. She's at college, so takes a look at the shared driving board, and is pleased to find an ideal candidate in the form of an unnamed guy (Ashton Holmes).
The pair get off to an uncomfortable start, personalities clashing somewhat, not helped by the fact that Girl thinks that Guy is being a touch deceptive. Her suspicions are further compounded when he turns off the main road and starts down what he claims to be a short cut. Suddenly, another car appears and crashes into them spinning, them off the road - it's snowing heavily, by the way - and, as they struggle to survive the bitter cold, strange and sinister events begin to unfold around them.

It's a neat set-up, and both performers deliver adequately, albeit Blunt's Girl coming across as unnecessarily hostile and rather grating to begin with.
As the plot slowly reveals itself, there are moments to unnerve, and a suitably creepy atmosphere is forged, though the movie does begin to labour towards the end, the plot not quite having the courage of it's convictions.
Still, an absorbing and intelligent slice of supernatural spookiness which is nearly very good indeed.

3 out of 5

Network (1976) Dir: Sidney Lumet

Powerful satirical drama that is as relevant today as it was 35 years ago.

The plot:
Howard Beale is a successful news anchorman who, one day, decides he has had just about enough, thank you, of spouting the news fed to him via autocue. Instead, he states that, the following Tuesday, he will shoot himself dead, live on the programme.
Taken off air, soon the network realise they are onto a ratings winner.
Reimagined as a sort of TV evangelist, proclaiming the truths that the American public want to hear, the network executives exploit his spoutings even as he descends into chronic psychological illness until, having created the monster, the time eventually comes to shut him up once and for all.

Powerful, with a savage edge of social commentary, this is pertinent even now, in the current world of celebrity obsession.
With cameras pointed at every celebrity going into meltdown - Britney Spears, Tiger Woods, Jade Goody, Kerry Katona - delighting in their plight as the ratings climb and newspaper sales rocket.
Though dated visually, the message still resonates and, save for the occasional soap opera moment - two executives conduct an illicit affair which quickly becomes tiresome, albeit an affair designed to showcase the fact that, increasingly, people view their lives as if playing out scenes in a TV show or movie - this is a towering, intelligent, important movie that anyone interested in media and/or current affairs really should digest.
Excellent stuff.

4 out of 5

Heartless (2009) Dir: Philip Ridley

Oddball British movie that fuses fantasy, horror, pathos and humour, with mixed results.

The plot:
Jim Sturgess plays Jamie Morgan, a man in his early twenties who is blighted by a large, heart shaped birthmark that covers the left side of his face. Lacking confidence, he sees all around chaos and disorder, and a society falling apart.
Whilst walking to the shops, Jamie encounters what seem to be hooded demons attacking someone on the ground, and flees. Soon after, he is sent cryptic messages that lead him to Papa B, the apparent conductor of the chaos all around.
Jamie is given a choice by Papa B: I'll get rid of the birthmark, but you have to repay me with a small favour.
He agrees, but soon realises that the debt he has burdened himself with is far greater than the deal he thought he was making.....
Mixing fantasy and horror is nothing particularly new, but it is handled deftly, with some effective 'monster' design and a strangely surreal atmosphere infused throughout that is by turns gritty and, at times, almost fairytale in nature.
There's pathos aplenty, too, with the main character's physical disfigurement acting as centrepoint to his sense of alienation and, whilst the thought of pathos usually sends me screaming to the the remote control to TURN IT FUCKING OFF, here it is effective and adds an interesting dimension to proceedings.
The problem really lies with the comedy elements, which are just baffling, and rob the movie of any atmosphere or momentum that was building and causes genuine difficulty with regards 'buying into' the internal logic of the movie.
Still, with a solid cast - Sturgess is excellent in the lead role, in particular - this almost makes it work, and it's always nice to see British movie makers veering away from the tired 'it's grim up North' or 'cheeky-chappy gangster' formulae.
Not without merit, but not a film I'd rush to see again.

3 out of 5

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) Rupert Wyatt

Wow.
Just wow.

The plot:
Oscar nominee James Franco plays Will Rodman, a scientist working with chimpanzees, hoping to find a cure for Alzheimer's Disease. He's got a vested interest in the project as his pianist father Charles, played by the always excellent John Lithgoe - last seen as the fantastically demented serial killer Trinity in Dexter - suffers from the condition himself.
When a failed demonstration of the efficacy of the research results in funding being pulled the head of the project orders the chimps be put down.
Secretly, Rodman takes a baby chimp home, names him Caesar, and marvels as the youngster displays remarkable intelligence developing, IQ-wise, far more swiftly than even a human child would.
But all cannot remain the same forever and, ultimately, Caesar will be made to choose between his life with humans, or a life with his own kind.

That's all I'm prepares to say about the plot, even though the trailer already revealed way too much.
With stunning visual effects used to bring to life the simian characters, this movie has set a new standard for CGI characters. With genuine emotion, the character of Caesar is one that draws the viewer in completely and, within just a few moments, you completely forget that it's just Andy Serkis in a Mo-Cap suit.
The plot barrels along, with not a single scene or line of dialogue wasted.
Emotionally, this pulls you all over the place. I was a wreck by the end, and just had to remain seated whilst the rest of the audience filed out, simply to catch my breath.
With a rousing finale that is so climactic you'll require a heart of stone not to well up, this is a magnificent reboot of the much loved Monkey Planet franchise and is, head and shoulders, my movie of the year so far.
Absolutely brilliant.

5 out of 5

Absurd (1981 aka Rosso Sangue & Horrible) Dir: Joe D'Amato

Sequel to D'Amato's own infamous gore-fest Antropophagus, this is a film made infamous in it's own right as one of the 72 movies labelled with the term 'Video nasty' (as was Antropophagus) by that guardian of moral integrity, Mary Whitehouse, and successfully prosecuted by the DPP (Department of Public Prosecution) in the early 80's in the UK.
The law itself was the Video Recordings Act 1984, designed to protect the public (!) from obscene and gratuitous content on the newly available home video format, ultimately served only to garner notoriety for the titles listed.
The fucking idiots.

The plot:
A Greek Orthodox priest arrives in a small community and attracts the attention of the local police. Initially reluctant to reveal the nature of his visit, the priest is forced to show his hand when a series of grisly murders commences, the priest revealing that the culprit is a man who has the power of incredible strength and recovery, facilitated by a super-charged metabolism and the fact that his blood coagulates at an extraordinarily rapid rate so, even if shot, his wounds barely affect him.

In true slasher style, the focus here is on the chase, with the plot centreing by turns on the killer stalking his victims, dispatching them in amusingly violent and imaginative means, as well as on the police hunt for him.
Possessing a down and dirty, gritty atmosphere, this is elevated by the sumptuous score which is a perfect blend of Italian giallo stylings laced with the stripped down, terror-inducing monotony of John Carpenter's best musical offerings.
The controversy regarding the gore lies chiefly with the killers' chosen methods of slaying, primarily power tools - an electric screwdriver, an industrial scale jigsaw - as well as, less conventionally (pun intended), an oven used to roast someone's head like a jacket potato whilst they are still alive before plunging a pair of scissors into their neck.
Yum-yum.
Featuring a jaw-droppingly good final scene to pack a killer punch to match the insanely gory preceding 90 minutes or so, this is Italian schlock and then some.
Great horror.

4 out of 5

Zombieland (2009) Dir: Ruben Fleischer

Horror comedy is a damn difficult thing to pull off, as the end result is either An American Werewolf in London or, gasp, An American Werewolf in Paris.

The plot: The world (or America which, for many in the movie industry, seems to count as 'The World') has been ravaged by a virus that turns anyone infected into a brainless, bloodthirsty zombie.

Sound familiar?
And yes, the initial premise is that most trodden of horror paths, to the point of utter tedium by now but, through humour, some great casting and a neat plot contrivance, Zombieland effectively sidesteps all of the expected monotony.
The humour I speak of is of the blackest kind for the most part, though it's not afraid to drop in the odd spot of slapstick, either.
The casting is pitch perfect, with Jesse Eisenberg as the dweeby survivor, Woody Harrelson the leathery, gun-toting, Twinky-loving stranger he befriends, and an audacious cameo that I will not reveal to avoid spoiling the moment for those still in the dark.
Lastly, that neat plot contrivance is a spin on The Rules of Horror from Scream, this time being The Rules to survive a zombie outbreak, which Eisenberg's character Columbus rigidly follows.
Bloodthirsty, action packed, wickedly funny at times, this is a step above any of the movies that label themselves comedies, usually starring those twat-botherers Seth Rogen or Will Farrell.
A must see for comedy and horror fans alike, and there's a sequel due in a couple of years too.
Great fun.

4 out of 5

Goldilocks and the Three Bares (1963) Dir: Herschell Gordon Lewis

Possibly the worst film I've ever seen.

The plot:
There isn’t one.
Well, two spectacularly arrogant and objectionable men, one a nightclub singer, the other a stand-up comedian, begin to date women who spend their spare time at a nudist colony.
We then follow their time at said colony.

Let me be clear about this:
The only reason I even glanced at this was because director Herschell Gordon Lewis was the man that brought the world The Gore Gore Girls, Blood Feast and The Wizard of Gore, films that redefined what was acceptable visually, and movies that any self respecting horror fan must see.
As exploitation credentials go, that's pretty hard to beat.
Here, again pioneering, he attempted to add an element of credibility to the 'nudie-cutie' genre which blossomed in the 60's and, whilst he may have achieved just that, as a viewer nearly 50 years hence, it is barely watchable.
Important only for Gordon Lewis completists, this is one of the very few films I wish I hadn't even bothered hitting the play button for.
Woefully awful, avoid this at all costs.

1 out of 5

Super 8 (2011) Dir: J.J. Abrams

J.J. Abrams retro sci-fi has Spielberg's stamp all over it, and not just in his capacity as producer.

The plot:
A group of young friends are in the midst of making a zombie movie, shot on a Super 8 camera, for a youth talent competition. Standing on a railway platform shooting a scene, suddenly they are caught in the midst of a catastrophe, as a pick-up truck seems to deliberately smash into an oncoming train, causing a massive derailment.
Lucky to be alive, the kids begin to suspect that the accident was more than it seems when general weirdness begins to occur: dogs go missing, people go missing, something strange seems to be stalking the town.
When the military descend on the small town, it appears that something truly otherworldly may be afoot.....

A really old-fashioned movie, this, crafted by someone, Abrams, with a genuine love of the late seventies, early eighties heyday of family science fiction movies.
With a warmth running through it's heart that is at times a little cloying - Spielberg just can't help spooning on the sentimental schmaltz, Gawd bless 'im - this is never dull, never flagging.
With a cast of virtual unknowns, Abrams has opted to eschew box office gold with big-hitting actors, instead allowing the story and 'feel' to do all of the legwork, and genuinely rewarding it is too.
Not many family movies hold my interest, but this worked on pretty much every level and, with a really moving ending that kind of reminded me of last years excellent Monsters, this is a cut above most multiplex fodder.
Rather liked it, so I did.

4 out of 5

Splinter (2008) Dir: Toby Wilkins

Nasty, effective shocker that really delivers.

The plot:
On a camping trip, a nauseatingly perfect couple decide that nature has gotten the better of them and head for a Motel. Seeing a young woman at the side of the road, they stop to see if she needs help, only to be taken hostage by the woman's seemingly psychotic boyfriend.
Forced to drive, the car hits something in the road and develops a puncture.
Repairs affected, they continue, only for the radiator to start playing up, so they stop at a garage. Heading for the loo, the female accomplice discovers something horrific: a man, only twisted and bent out of shape, lacerated, with sharp, spine-like bristles jutting from his body.
Sensing her, it lunges.
Fleeing, she doesn't get too far before being cut down, forcing the three remaining to lock themselves inside the garage shop, lain siege by the victims of the Splinter parasite.....

Modern horror movies rarely deliver the goods, but this is a noble exception.
The set-up is neat, with tension built, though not too prolonged.
The monster itself is unusual, with shades of Carpenter's The Thing, along with the Cronenberg body horror we all know and love.
If you were being cynical, you could accuse it of ripping off various genre pieces - Evil Dead 2 (out of control arm), Aliens (thing scuttling along the floor), The Mist (trapped in a shop with gribbly type things outside) - but to do that would make you an astonishingly miserable arse.
Frightening, disturbing, splatterific, not to mention well scripted and very well made, I really, really liked this.

4 out of 5

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) Dir: Joe Johnston

The build up to next year's Joss Whedon helmed Avengers movie gathers pace with this historically set comic book romp.

The plot:
As the USA is plunged into the hell of World War II one potential recruit, Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is turned away, told that he is a little too wimpy. As luck would have it, a German scientist in league with the Allies is working on a serum that will turn a test subject into a super-soldier and, through reasons too implausible to go into here, Rogers is selected for the programme.
Now injected, the once skinny body of Rogers - well, a normal man's body, really, just skinny in comparison to the goons that infest this type of movie - is transformed into a muscle-bound brick shithouse, with the power of swift regeneration and superhuman speed, otherwise known as Captain America.
So equipped, Rogers is set to work to take out the German black ops. unit known as Hydra, led by Hugo Weaving's delightfully maniacal Red Skull.
Will Captain America save the day?
Will Steve Rogers get the girl?
Will anyone outside of America be able to take this character seriously?
Yes, yes and no.

Whilst this is far from terrible, there are a few problems, not least the ultra-patriotic nature of the character which, to those of us who dwell on shores other than those that the eponymous character captain's comes across as vaguely ridiculous.
It's like if James Bond were called Johnny English.
No, hang on.....
Plotwise, this begins to drag as the action proceeds to the point that, ultimately, I just wanted the damned thing to end.
Additionally, lead character Chris Evans as Captain America has already played a lead role in a superhero movie, as The Human Torch in Fantastic Four. Now, call me a dunderheaded twatnick if you must but, as a result, this just seems like a bit of bad casting. Indeed, irrespective of his appearance as another superhero, I found his character to be utterly unlikeable, and was little surprised he used to get his head kicked in on a near nightly basis when he were but a wimp.
In summary, then, this is not a patch on Thor, is roughly as good as Green Lantern, but leaves Daredevil and Catwoman in the dust.

3 out of 5