House of Wax (2005) Dir: Jaume Collet-Serra

House of Wax is a name that should bring a smile to the lips of any cult cinema fan. The 1950's original was an early example of 3D, directed by André De Toth, a man with only one functioning eye, meaning that he could never see the movie in the same way as his audiences.
Skip forward 52 years, and we get a remake directed by Jaume Collet-Serra, a man who had never shot a movie before, and whose follow up film would be Goal 2: Living the Dream.
Yikes!
The plot:
Six friends are on a long distance car trek to Louisiana to watch an American football game, the daft sods. Along the way, the inevitable car trouble strikes and they wind up in a sinister and strangely deserted town called Ambrose, whose sole point of interest lies in the House of Wax that seems the centre-piece of the place. Through a series of MacGuffins so implausible you may want to drown yourself in boiling wax, the intrepid team discover that all is not as it seems at the waxwork and that, is they are not very, very careful, they may well become the next set of exhibits.....
Yeah, it's about as predictable as runny bowels after a very hot curry, only much more painful to endure.
See, never mind the original, this was done with much more panache, much more style, much more, you know, wit seventeen years earlier in Hickox's wildly demented Waxwork. But that would be ok if this had any class about it at all and, frankly, it just doesn't.
The scripting is woeful.
The acting shoddy, at best, and the lead characters about as likeable as a severe bout of Trench Foot.
Paris Hilton appears to be the main star 'pull' and, trust me, she was far more likely to win a gong for her performance sucking that guys cock in night vision than through this performance.
Boring.
Derivative.
Unimaginative.
Shit.
Avoid.

1 out of 5

Sleepless (2001) Dir: Dario Argento

Dario Argento remains on familiar territory for this Turin based serial killer thriller.
The plot:
When a serial killer begins operating in Turin, an ageing detective believes that it is the work of a killer who has lain dormant for some 17 years. With the help of a technologically savvy rookie, the sleep deprived detective must solve the case before any more victims surface.
And it's all pretty much as you were.
Argento is the undisputed master of Giallo, at least as far as Smell the Cult HQ is concerned, but this does feel a little like treading water. Everything you would expect to be in place is present and correct: fairly savage death-scenes, primarily of women; lip-synching that is just off by a fraction; a sinister, faceless killer; plenty of knives, lovingly shot.
Though never reaching the heights of his late-seventies, early eighties Giallo masterpieces (Tenebre, Phenomena et al) this is still a masterclass in directorial flair, evidence of the fact that, really, Argento hates horror and does everything in his power to distance himself from the crowd.
I said it felt like treading water?
Well, Argento on auto-pilot is still better than most of what's out there.
Solid Giallo.

4 out of 5

Showgirls (1995) Dir: Paul Verhoeven

Reckoned by many to be the worst movie ever made, it can't be as bad as all that can it?
The plot:
The improbably named Nomi (Elizabeth Berkley) arrives in Las Vegas to become a dancer. She gets an opportunity to see The Most Glamorous Show in Town - lots of twirling and cavorting wearing sequined dresses, splayed legs, feather boas and crushingly awful show tunes - is bowled over, and sets out on her quest to become top dog in the world of the show girls.
And what a steaming pile of dung it is.
I mean, laughably poor.
Berkley couldn't act her way out of a Nativity play, the rest of the cast are as bad, the script is so shocking I'd be surprised if Joe 'Basic Instinct' Eszterhás even got paid and the sex scenes are less arousing, more ludicrous, with Berkley throwing herself hither and thither as though having some kind of convulsion.
Director Verhoeven (and let's face it, the only reason this movie is even being discussed here is because of the Dutchman's pedigree) blotted his copy book with this one, having previously been responsible for, you know, proper movies like Robocop and Total Recall, even Basic instinct, but he would go a long way towards recompense two years hence with the simply stunning Starship Troopers.
As for this?
Worst film ever?
No.
But it would probably make the top 1000.

1 out of 5

Waxwork II: Lost in Time (1992) Dir: Anthony Hickox

Picking up straight after the events of the original, this is an altogether more ambitious affair.
The plot:
With the Waxwork burning to the ground, Our Heroes Mark and Sarah flee in a passing taxi, not noticing the dismembered, animated hand that has decided to follow them.
Back at Sarah's, the hand kills her drunken father, causing the couple to search Sir Wilfred's (Patrick Macnee) place for clues.
With Sarah standing to be accused of her father's murder, our plucky adventurers must take Sir Wilfred's time compass, and travel back in time to try to prove her innocence.
Featuring such genre fare luminaries as Marina 'Deanna Troi' Sirtis, Bruce Campbell and David Carradine and more film references than you could shake a Wayan brother at - Aliens, Frankenstein, Dawn of the Dead and The Pit and the Pendulum all get a look in, and that's just for starters - this is far reaching in scope but, unfortunately, feels a little too chaotic, a little too unfocused.
Whilst it is impossible to get bored due to the constant switching of scenes and locations, it is also true that it is impossible to become truly engaged.
With limited use of gore, though still with Hickox's Raimi-inspired directorial flair, this is a must watch for cult movie fans, despite not quite living up to the genuine originality of the first.
Decent.

4 out of 5

Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971) Dir: Dario Argento

Argento's understated stalker thriller is just a tad dull.
The plot: A musician living in Rome is a troubled man. Having killed a stalker a short while ago, now he finds himself the target of yet another stalker.
What a pisser.
Unable to go to the police for fear of criminal recriminations for the death at his own hands, he must attempt to deal with the mysterious menace alone.
And it's all a touch dreary.
The lead character of Robert is played in spectacularly drab manner by one Michael Brandon, never really engaging the viewer.
The plot, though standard giallo fare, feels tired and half-baked and never really convinces.
Coupled with the air of menace Argento is attempting to convey, he also chooses the odd moment of misplaced, misfiring comedy - a stereotypical homosexual character, played for laughs, weird one-liners lost in translation and the like - which doesn't work on any level, given that it simply drains away any tension and fails to amuse.
Though there are brief flashes of the brilliance to come from this director, with some lovely directorial flourishes - the lovingly shot knife blades, the head bouncing down the stairs, the close up of the eyes - this fails to deliver either in terms of intrigue or terror.
Still, Argento was merely developing his craft here and would later go on to produce some of the finest movies in horror's rich history.
A misfire, but a forgivable one.

3 out of 5

Miami Vice (2006) Dir: Michael Mann

Updating of the smash 80's TV series - one that never interested us here at Smell the Cult HQ, incidentally - is a fairly turgid affair.
The plot:
Colin Farrell and the always magnificent Jamie Foxx play the lead roles of Crockett and Tubbs, Vice Detectives in, ahem, Miami, who become embroiled in a rather silly, rather incoherent plot involving trafficking of both weapons and drugs.
Along the way there is some guff about White Supremacists, a romantic intermingling of goodies and baddies and the requisite glamour shots of Miami and it's night life.
And it really is a mess.
Farrell and Foxx mumble their way through the script, seeming semi-comatose at times, barely even looking at each other throughout the near two and a half hour run time. Seriously, halfway through I began to suspect this may be a Brechtian reinvention of the detective movie, with Mann implementing the requisite alienation techniques but, alas no, it was simply a little bit dull.
Sure, the speed boats look great.
Sure, the location work is stylishly executed and, yes, Jamie Foxx only really has to be on screen and there is a glimmer of interest.
But there is little else here to hold the attention, save perhaps Farrell's ludicrous moustache and mullet combo which seems to morph into different preposterous combinations with each passing shot.
A desperately dull movie, certainly by Mann's standards, and one that only M.V. purists should bother with.

2 out of 5

Attack the Block (2011) Dir: Joe Cornish

Joe Cornish's breakaway from his alter ego as half of Adam & Joe is a real step in the right direction.
The plot:
Mysterious meteors rain down upon a council estate in Saarth Lahndan and, after killing an alien life-form midway through mugging a local nurse, a gang of yoofs must fight off what appears to be an invading extra terrestrial force hellbent on their personal destruction.
And it's a great watch.
The trailer and poster campaign made a real play of the links between this movie and Shaun of the Dead, though this is a little wide of the mark as this does not attempt to be overtly humourous in the way that the Rom-Com-Zom classic did, instead going all out for sci-fi horror thrills and spills, and jolly successful it is, too.
The aliens themselves are fantastic, though clearly little more than men in suits (!), with glow in the dark blue teeth that are genuinely disturbing.
Special mention must be made of the cast of 'youths' who, according to the director at least, had no prior acting experience. Though a little lumpen occasionally, for the most part they come across as solid young jobbing actors, so hats off.
With a clear cine-literacy calling back on such creature feature classics as Critters, The Deadly Spawn, The Blob and Cronenberg's Shivers, this is a modern B-movie handled with conviction and a real love of the genre.
Thoroughly enjoyed it.

4 out of 5

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) Dir: Rob Marshall

It is getting difficult to feel angry about these films now, but I'll give it my best shot.
The plot:
Johnny Depp swaggers around in his usual faux-drunken manner, this time in a quest to reach The Fountain of Youth, only to discover that Evil Pirate Blackbeard (played with some measure of menace by the wonderfully sinister Ian McShane - the only good thing about the damned movie) and his equally distrustful daughter, played by vapid puff of air Penelope Cruz. On the way, he'll encounter Mermaids, buckle some swashes and have to jump over some barrels.
That's about it.
And what a great, clunking, tedious mess it is.
Firstly, the plot. There isn't one. It's just a series of disparate scenes strung together, with no clear purpose, no real sense of momentum and with barely coherent thought.
Secondly, the performances. There aren't any. With the clear exception of McShane who would be marvellous simply reading aloud the label of a medicine bottle. Depp is imbecilic, Cruz is so dunder-headed and inconsequential she may as well have been invisible and even Geoffrey 'I've won an Oscar, don't you know' Rush seems bored.
Thirdly, the action. It's preposterous. A series of pratfalls and whimsical 'comedy' that would bring a smite of embarrassment even to Benny Hill, this is childish gubbins that offends the intelligence of all but the most air-headed.
And this really cost $250,000,000 dollars?
The director should be appalled at his performance.
Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful film-making.

1 out of 5

Camp Blood (2000) Dir: Brad Sykes

Scoring a lowly 3.3 on IMDB at the time of writing, the appalling rating demonstrates quite clearly what a bunch of fucknuts the movie viewing public tends to be.
The plot:
Two couples go on a camping weekend to a place called Camp Blackwood, referred to by locals as Camp Blood. Indeed, on their way to the campsite they encounter one such bumpkin, who tells them the tale of a killer clown wandering the woods, occasionally striking to claim fresh victims.
On arrival, one of the party notices that the sign for the camp has been vandalised, the word Blackwood replaced with Blood.
See, already that would be sufficient for me to turn tail and flee back from whence I came but no, these imbeciles carry on regardless.
Hooking up with a guide who leads them through the forest to a suitable camp site, they settle down and tell each other spooky stories before retiring to bed to fuck the back out of their mindless selves. Awakening the following morning, a horror awaits: the burnt corpse of their guide. Attempting escape, the party are pursued by a machete wielding maniac in a clown mask.
Will any of them make it out alive?
And did any of them actually go to drama school?
Ultra low-budget, this feels like a high-grade student movie offering rather than a legitimate feature, the extremely short runtime (73 mins) adding to the thought.
With a cast of characters who range from insanely bland to magnificently over-wrought, and acting capabilities that would shame manies the local Am-Dram society, this is for low budget enthusiasts only.
Which returns me to my original point.
Judging this against 'regular' movies is just ludicrous.
Claiming this as 'the worst film you've ever seen' simply singles you out as a dullard.
Think about the context, think about the budget, and think about who this film has been made by and for before making such redundant claims.
Lecture endeth.
Enjoyable slasher nonsense, then.

4 out of 5

Drunken Master (1978) Dir: Woo-ping Yuen

An early outing for Jackie Chan, here, somewhat ruined by the crushingly awful dubbing on the version I watched.
The plot:
Chan plays Freddie Wong, an obnoxious young prick-end who irritates everyone he meets to the point that they want to fight him.
Restaurant owners, women, crooks.
Everyone.
Tired of the antics of his son, Wong's father sends him to Beggar So, the Drunken Master, to teach him the error of his ways.
Wong is initially reluctant due to the Masters' reputation for working students so hard they wind up crippled, but soon comes around to the Master's teachings as he sees improvement. Finally, after much preparation, Wong is ready to fight off the villains who wish harm to his father and the family business.
It's tough for me to give this a fair review as the dubbing was so tiresome I began to lose interest. All that can be attested is that the fighting was quite excellent, some of the best I've seen in a Jackie Chan movie, with incredibly complex sequences choreographed to perfection, and only very limited use of wire-work.
Plot-wise, it's drivel of course and, as ever, some of the comedy doesn't translate particularly well, seeming remarkably juvenile but, if I were judging this on the fighting alone it would rate highly, but the talentless droogs doing the voice-over work killed this one stone dead here at Smell the Cult HQ.
Fighting: 5 out of 5.
Movie overall: 3 out of 5.

Shame.

The Island (2005) Dir: Michael Bay

Regular readers of these pages - yes, both of you - will be aware of the contempt in which I hold Michael 'The Enemy of Cinema' Bay, so it was with some trepidation that I opted to check out this sci-fi-lite marathon.
The plot:
Ewan McCracker plays Lincoln Six Echo, a simple man who lives in an underground world, protection against the contamination that has ravaged the planet above. Though simple, Lincoln seems to be questioning everything that he is told:
Is the contamination real?
Is his health as it should be?
And surely there must be more to life than simply dreaming of going to The Island, a daily lottery prize broadcast on large screens?
In addition, Lincoln seems to be attracted to a fellow inhabitant, Jordan Two Delta, played by the perma-pouting Scarlett Johansson - that's Jo-hansson, motherfucker, not Yo-hansson.
Sheesh.
After capturing a moth(!), further evidence that the contamination tale is phony, Lincoln follows the bug up a ventilation spout and witnesses the grim reality of what happens to those who go to The Island: organ removal.
His world view in tatters, Lincoln is forced to take drastic action when Jordan is selected as the next lucky lottery winner and, together, they flee the facility, determined to uncover the truth behind their fake lives.
A decent enough plot, though not altogether new. Logan's Run has similar themes, as does Fahrenheit 451 and, most notably, The Clonus Horror, whose makers sued Paramount Pictures and won an out of court settlement.
McCracker is competent here, but no more, Bay mystifyingly insisting he sport an American accent which, frankly, he simply cannot master, his thick Scottish drawl cutting through almost every vowel.
Johansson is nought but eye candy, not really adding much in terms of dynamics and, though there is some decent action, it all seems to drift away as the movie lumbers on and on and on. Bear in mind that the aforementioned Clonus Horror has a near identical plot and clocks in at 90 minutes whilst this drags it out for nigh on two and a half hours, and you'll see the problem. But then, it is a Michael Bay movie, so it would be foolish to expect tight editing and genuine momentum when you can just chuck a bunch of money at it and make a few more buildings explode.
All that being said, this is clearly Bay's best movie though, strangely, it was something of a flop upon initial release.
Verdict?
Excellent for Bay. average for everyone else.

3 out of 5

Warlock: The Armageddon (1993) Dir: Anthony Hickox

Cult director Anthony 'Waxwork' Hickox serves up a silly, spooky sequel to a cult classic.
The plot:
Julian Sands returns in his role as the campest Warlock this side of Devildom, son of Satan himself and, in a quest to allow his father to walk on the face of the Earth, he must collect a series of gemstones which, once acquired, will allow him to open up a portal to Hell at the precise moment of a solar eclipse.
In his way, a family of druids and the white witch sensibilities of the delectable Paula Marshall.
And what a load of old nonsense it is, but very definitely in a good way.
Sands hams it up with some gusto as the evil one and, one for the ladies, we get a fleeting flash of his little pecker.
The special effects are trademark Hickox, with much used made of object overlay as well as some rudimentary digital effects.
With the odd moment of gore - proper physical gore, mind, not this CGI crap we have to put up with these days, and quite gruelly it is too - and a good visual style, this is entertaining schlock horror and the kind of movie which, sadly, they just don't make anymore.
Liked it quite a lot.

4 out of 5

Thor (2011) Dir: Kenneth Branagh

You know, I really thought this would be awful.
The plot:
Having angered his father, Odin, by defying clear instructions not to wage war with the Frost Giants of the Jotunheim, Thor has imperiled the idyllic, peaceful domain of Asgard, as well as the other nine realms and, as punishment, is banished from his home, sent to present day Earth, stripped of his powers and separated from his mighty hammer (no, that's not a euphemism).
A trio of astrologers investigating astral phenomena bump into him, quite literally, and try to assist him, but are puzzled by his odd behaviour. He insists that he is Thor, son of Odin, speaks in a strangely dramatic manner and seems not to know how everyday things work. Convinced that he is who he claims, mainly on account of catching a glimpse of his Mighty Thor pecs' Natalie Portman's Jane Foster attempts to assist him in reclaiming his hammer but, to his horror, it does not awaken to his touch (still not a euphemism, people. Settle down at the back).
Meanwhile, in Asgard, Thor's father is taken ill, and his brother Loki sees the chance to seize the throne. Intent on betraying both his family and his people, Loki sends a terrible metallic giant to destroy Thor and also opens a gateway to allow the Jotunheim access to Odin, that he may be slain.....
It's hokum.
Of course it is.
And theatrical hokum at that, what with Anthony Hopkins positively chewing up the scenery with gusto when given licence by his Shakespearean brother in arms Branagh behind the camera.
The plot is ludicrous.
The costumes preposterously over the top.
The action set pieces nonsensically overblown.
But, I beseech thee, go check this out if you haven't yet because it is riotously entertaining.
Laugh out loud funny in places - far funnier than any 'comedy' movie I've seen in years - pulse-poundingly action packed with fantastic CGI work and a genuinely engaging lead character in the shape of man mountain Kim Hyde.
The first blockbuster of the year this most certainly is, and the bar has already been set uncommonly high.
By all of Heaven's Thunder, I liked it.

4 out of 5

NOTE - Version reviewed is the 2D print.

Adrift (2006) Dir: Hans Horn

The sequel to 2003's Open Water - well, http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifkind of - could the makers possibly repeat the sheer levels of intensity of the original?
Absolutely not.
The plot:
Three couples go for a sailing weekend on board a luxury yacht. One of their number suffers from hydrophobia, due to an unfortunate 'Daddy dying' incident when she were just a bairn and, in a moment of spectacular thick prickishness, the apparent owner of the yacht grabs hold of her and, together, they plunge into the water and, if that wasn't bad enough, everyone else is swimming too, and no-one bothered to deploy the ladder.
Stranded, the 6 must figure out a way to get back aboard the vessel, else face certain death.
With a variety of characters, the inevitable in-fighting and squabbling simply add to their problems and, one by one, the ocean claims them.
Will any of them survive the ordeal?
As a set-up, it's pretty robust.
We get to meet the characters for fifteen minutes or so and, with the exception of the poor wretch who saw her father drown, each is so insufferable you look forward to the coming of their suffering.
Once in the water, it actually gets a little frustrating as they seem to make stupid decision after stupid decision, and don't truly explore all of the alternatives for getting back aboard.
Going for tense and nerve-jangling, instead everything just feels a bit soggy and water-logged and, as a sequel, it compares most unfavourably with the excellent original.
Very average indeed.

3 out of 5

Insidious (2010) Dir: James Wan

Schizophrenic horror that is by turns terrifying and ludicrous.
The plot:
A normal family move into a new house and, not long after, their youngest son has an accident leaving him apparently comatose.
Soon, the mother begins to believe the house is haunted; terrifying apparitions at windows, bloodied handprints on bedsheets, the sense of being watched.
That sort of thing.
After some convincing, the husband agrees to move and, wouldn't you know it, the haunting seems to have followed them. Step forward an aged medium who claims to be able to help but, in order to do so, she must send the husband out of this realm and into The Further, to save themselves and their coma-stricken son.
So let's start with the good.
The first 45 minutes or so is great. Tense, claustrophobic and genuinely frightening in places. Sure, it uses every cliched trick in the book, but it uses them well and with enough skill to send a chill up even the hardiest of horror fan's spines.
Then we get to the bad.
Once we get the big reveal, the reason behind all of the happenings and the protaganists begin to work towards a resolution, it really does veer into the absurd. No longer frightening, this seems as if the director has tapped into the thought processes of an eight year old and put them on screen. Commendably accurate given the premise of the movie, but no fun to watch at all, which is a real shame as everything started off so promisingly.
Whilst I would have given a straight 5 for the first half, I can only give a 1 for the second, so that levels out at a middle of the road 3 out of 5, I guess.

Yeah, 3 out of 5

Fast & Furious 5 (2011) Dir: Justin Lin

You see, you get to part 5 in any franchise and the best you can hope for is some semblance of adventure.
Well, unless it's Jo & Sophie's Pleasure Vacation: The Fifth Vibration.
Unfortunately here, the writer's seem to have run out of fuel.
The plot:
A motley assortment of high octane drivers assemble in Rio for 'one last job' and proceed to bore their viewer's into a sense of torpor.
Let me make this absolutely clear: With no sense of shame, I loved the first Fast and Furious movie. High on adrenaline, action and voiture porn, it was proper, muscular cinema.
Now, by part 5, any attempt to make it exciting has been forgotten and, instead, we are given a half baked plot involving The Rock and Vin Diesel in some kind of showdown, an apparent attempt to see who has the biggest shoulder muscles.
And there lies much of the problem.
It's The Rock by a long distance, Vin Diesel almost porcine in comparison.
Sure, some old favourites come along for the ride and, yes, the end sequence with the two cars dragging the safe along is pretty exciting but, frankly, I didn't give one flying shit who won out in the end.
Hopefully this will be the last of them else fast and furious will have to be supplanted by tedious and vaguely angry.
Pretty average.

2 out of 5

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009) Dir: Ti West

Surprisingly entertaining sequel to Eli Roth's smash hit gorefest.
The plot:
When a shipment of disease contaminated water arrives at a school just before the school prom, you can bet your annual earnings on the fact that gory mayhem will ensue.
With a sense of black comedy coursing through it's infected veins, this is very, very entertaining, even laugh out loud funny at times.
The set up takes a little while, as we get to know the characters that are about to be savaged by a mutated strain of necrotizing fasciitis - the flesh-eating bug that came as a blessing to terror-inflicting tabloid writer's during the nineties - but it's no big deal as, unusually for high school based horror, the characters are actually likeable and humourous.
Come prom night, when the disease strikes, primarily through contaminated punch, all hell is wrought, and one can't help but be put in mind of the climax of Carrie, as well as the chaos of Argento and Bava's Demons.
High praise, indeed.
With lashings of gore, a witty script and engaging main characters, this is a top notch sequel that surprised the hell out of me.
Well worth tracking down.

4 out of 5