To steal a line from someone else, they missed a trick calling this movie Devil when it should have been called Hellevator.
Based on a story by M. Night Shyamalan, a man whose reputation could not have sunk any lower had he been caught fellating Gary Glitter, this is pretty much the ultimate high concept movie: Five people get stuck in a lift and one of them is Satan himself.
That's the pitch and, honestly, that is the plot.
Sure, we get the odd bit of backstory fleshed out, primarily of the lead detective, but nothing else beyond the scope of that single line synopsis occurs at all.
It's a bleedin' miracle this movie manages to reach the required length to be classified as a motion picture, given the paucity of plot, but it does and, truthfully, though it does start to flag a little towards the end, it never really gets dull.
The ending is ludicrous, and so painfully obvious from about minute fifteen that if you don't figure out who Satan is I would strongly recommend jabbing long, sharp things into your ears until blood starts to flow.
Not really scary, not half as clever as it seems to think it is - it's trying for Cube but ends up more The Blob - I have no intention of ever watching this again, but it mildly entertained for its duration.
Perhaps they should put that on the DVD cover: "Mildly entertaining."
It's a 3 out of 5.
Sunday 26 September 2010
Tuesday 21 September 2010
The Last Exorcism (2010) Dir: Daniel Stamm
You know when you are watching a movie, it's ticking along nicely but then, in an idle moment, you decide to astrally project your inner being outside your own construct and your essence floats above your body in the auditorium. You know, when you can see yourself sitting in the seat, your meta-body aloft, studying your own features, only to find your own face rendered into a portrait of absolute apathy.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
Well, I found myself doing precisely that during The Last Exorcism.
I was mildly entertained.
I was mildly intrigued.
I was mildly spooked at times.
But no more than that.
The plot: A disillusioned evangelical priestly sort allows a film crew to follow him as he performs one more exorcism, to prove to the world the mockery that the ritual actually represents. A letter arrives, marked urgent, so our ex-Man of the Cloth heads down to New Orleans to perform his act of cleansing, only to find.....gasp.....that this is one dispossession that comes with a demonic kick.
It's intriguing stuff.
It really is.
The movie is shot as a documentary, a lens-eye view, if you will and, for the most part, it works. I only say for the most part as, annoyingly, on occasion the PoV shots make little sense, but that's a small complaint.
The real downer is the ending, a pointless ten minute bolt on that bears scant resemblance to the preceding 75 minutes or so, and will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone who has seen either Rosemary's Baby or the Stones of Blood story from classic era Doctor Who.
Not dreadful, just not terribly impressive either, this is one to file under 'must try harder.'
You know what I'm talking about, right?
Well, I found myself doing precisely that during The Last Exorcism.
I was mildly entertained.
I was mildly intrigued.
I was mildly spooked at times.
But no more than that.
The plot: A disillusioned evangelical priestly sort allows a film crew to follow him as he performs one more exorcism, to prove to the world the mockery that the ritual actually represents. A letter arrives, marked urgent, so our ex-Man of the Cloth heads down to New Orleans to perform his act of cleansing, only to find.....gasp.....that this is one dispossession that comes with a demonic kick.
It's intriguing stuff.
It really is.
The movie is shot as a documentary, a lens-eye view, if you will and, for the most part, it works. I only say for the most part as, annoyingly, on occasion the PoV shots make little sense, but that's a small complaint.
The real downer is the ending, a pointless ten minute bolt on that bears scant resemblance to the preceding 75 minutes or so, and will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone who has seen either Rosemary's Baby or the Stones of Blood story from classic era Doctor Who.
Not dreadful, just not terribly impressive either, this is one to file under 'must try harder.'
Tuesday 7 September 2010
Piranha (2010) Dir: Alexandre Aja
French shocker Haute Tension's director Alexandre Aja helms this remake of a movie that was itself a Joe 'Gremlins' Dante directed parody in the first place.
Confused?
You might be.
Lake Victoria, every summer time, plays host to twenty thousand screaming jocks and nymphettes, all determined to enjoy their summer break by taking off most, if not all of their clothes, waving their arses around whilst covered in oil, and pouring as much alcohol down their worthless gullets as possible.
A seismic shift beneath the great lake's surface literally moves the Earth and, beneath the water, a crevasse is formed, linking the lake on the surface with one beneath the rock, that had been sealed for millions of years. Though shut off from the outside world for millenia, life still flourished, and soon finds its way into the warm upper waters and, wouldn't you know it, those voracious prehistoric piranha have a wanton taste for human flesh.
Cue much waterbound screaming and thrashing.
A simple enough premise, ripe for the modern faux B-movie workover.
But, this is a strange beast, and no mistake.
Essentially, viewing Piranha 3D is like watching two really short movies spliced together as one.
Movie 1: Run of the mill monster movie, where fish have really big teeth and eat anything that is foolish enough to swim where they lurk.
Movie 2: One of those God awful Girls Gone Wild soft porno's that gained brief notoriety - here in Blighty at least - when Larry David was determined to get his hands on one in CYE.
It's clever, though, almost post-modern.
See, we are watching a softcore movie being made by a cheap as chips porno director in the movie and, by lucky happenstance, that means we as the viewer get to watch a softcore movie ourselves, or at least snippets of it. Then the scene changes, and we're all gristle and gnashing teeth and flying cartilage. Then back again, to the porn movie. It's fucking bewildering at times, and is rooted squarely between the hateful and the genius and, even now, 24 hours after seeing the movie, I can't decide which way it swings.
As the bikini clad beauties shake their poomtang, as the muscle bound morons flex their pecs, delight in the certain knowledge that they will all meet a grisly end.
As Kelly Brook and her 'pal' cavort underwater, bare as the day they were born in a 'mermaid' scene that simply has to be seen to be believed - I laughed out loud at the preposterousness of the whole thing, whilst slowly 'Little Mosefus' made his presence felt - you'll be shaking your head in confusion.
So that's the nudity dealt with, what about the gore?
As a 3D only movie, I wasn't expecting much, but was pleased to be proved wrong as, on occasion, this is positively barbaric. Sure, there's the odd moment of CGI silliness and, yep, you get the occasional 'point something at the camera and wave it around in Real 3D' scene but, for the most part, the gruel is proper prosthetics, and the movie is all the better for it. As people are dragged onto boats midway through piranha attacks, we see their useless, flesh-stripped limbs flailing behind them. In one glorious moment of madness, a rather unfortunate woman gets her hair caught on the propellor of a powerboat and has the skin of her face ripped right off, a fine feat of special FX that had me giggling like an imbecile.
Whilst it takes a little while to get there, when the payoff comes it is well worth the wait and, as the bloodbath ensues, one couldn't help but be put in mind of the opening sequences of Saving Private Ryan, with body parts flying left and right, corpses adrift in the water, whilst those that survive must do battle with a seemingly invincible foe.
But at least this one had a plausible plotline....
Riotously good fun, the only reason I knock 1 off the rating is because, due to a genetic flaw that will affect few others, I can't see the damned 3D effects.
A modern exploitation flick that delivers the goods.
4 out of 5
Confused?
You might be.
Lake Victoria, every summer time, plays host to twenty thousand screaming jocks and nymphettes, all determined to enjoy their summer break by taking off most, if not all of their clothes, waving their arses around whilst covered in oil, and pouring as much alcohol down their worthless gullets as possible.
A seismic shift beneath the great lake's surface literally moves the Earth and, beneath the water, a crevasse is formed, linking the lake on the surface with one beneath the rock, that had been sealed for millions of years. Though shut off from the outside world for millenia, life still flourished, and soon finds its way into the warm upper waters and, wouldn't you know it, those voracious prehistoric piranha have a wanton taste for human flesh.
Cue much waterbound screaming and thrashing.
A simple enough premise, ripe for the modern faux B-movie workover.
But, this is a strange beast, and no mistake.
Essentially, viewing Piranha 3D is like watching two really short movies spliced together as one.
Movie 1: Run of the mill monster movie, where fish have really big teeth and eat anything that is foolish enough to swim where they lurk.
Movie 2: One of those God awful Girls Gone Wild soft porno's that gained brief notoriety - here in Blighty at least - when Larry David was determined to get his hands on one in CYE.
It's clever, though, almost post-modern.
See, we are watching a softcore movie being made by a cheap as chips porno director in the movie and, by lucky happenstance, that means we as the viewer get to watch a softcore movie ourselves, or at least snippets of it. Then the scene changes, and we're all gristle and gnashing teeth and flying cartilage. Then back again, to the porn movie. It's fucking bewildering at times, and is rooted squarely between the hateful and the genius and, even now, 24 hours after seeing the movie, I can't decide which way it swings.
As the bikini clad beauties shake their poomtang, as the muscle bound morons flex their pecs, delight in the certain knowledge that they will all meet a grisly end.
As Kelly Brook and her 'pal' cavort underwater, bare as the day they were born in a 'mermaid' scene that simply has to be seen to be believed - I laughed out loud at the preposterousness of the whole thing, whilst slowly 'Little Mosefus' made his presence felt - you'll be shaking your head in confusion.
So that's the nudity dealt with, what about the gore?
As a 3D only movie, I wasn't expecting much, but was pleased to be proved wrong as, on occasion, this is positively barbaric. Sure, there's the odd moment of CGI silliness and, yep, you get the occasional 'point something at the camera and wave it around in Real 3D' scene but, for the most part, the gruel is proper prosthetics, and the movie is all the better for it. As people are dragged onto boats midway through piranha attacks, we see their useless, flesh-stripped limbs flailing behind them. In one glorious moment of madness, a rather unfortunate woman gets her hair caught on the propellor of a powerboat and has the skin of her face ripped right off, a fine feat of special FX that had me giggling like an imbecile.
Whilst it takes a little while to get there, when the payoff comes it is well worth the wait and, as the bloodbath ensues, one couldn't help but be put in mind of the opening sequences of Saving Private Ryan, with body parts flying left and right, corpses adrift in the water, whilst those that survive must do battle with a seemingly invincible foe.
But at least this one had a plausible plotline....
Riotously good fun, the only reason I knock 1 off the rating is because, due to a genetic flaw that will affect few others, I can't see the damned 3D effects.
A modern exploitation flick that delivers the goods.
4 out of 5
Sunday 5 September 2010
Salt (2010) Dir: Phillip Noyce
Angelina Jolie action 'vehicle' Salt is a rather silly, surprisingly dull affair.
The plot: When a Russian defector walks into CIA Headquarters voluntarily to turn himself in, Jolie's Evelyn Salt is sent in to interrogate him, to find out what he knows and, just as importantly, to find out what he wants in return for his information. The man is unusually co-operative and, most intriguingly, he claims to want nothing in return.
Then he drops his bombshell:
He claims that an agent named Evelyn Salt is a Russian double agent, one of a batch of sleeper agents set in place by the KGB during the height of the Cold War in readiness for Day X, the day Russia would strike out at America and crush it once and for all.
Salt is rattled, her superiors more so who intend to take her captive, but she has other ideas, making good her escape in a manner so complicated and contrived it brought a genuine smile.
So begins a cat and mouse game of 'hunt the rogue agent,' Jolie protesting her innocence, claiming that she is just trying to protect her husband.
Famously intended as a Tom Cruise movie, the makers had to switch genders when he pulled out to make that height of banality Knight and Day instead, though this isn't much better, in truth.
The set-pieces are ludicrously unrealistic, which would be OK, but they are handled poorly, too, the CGI woven into the onscreen mayhem in a very slipshod manner.
Jolie is OK, I suppose, though she doesn't get to say much, her role pretty much confined to running around a lot, pouting with those freakish rubber lips and clinging on to the top of moving vehicles.
Interest levels aren't helped any by the casting of Liev Schreiber as supporting male, an actor so boring and lifeless he seems to suck the energy out of every scene in which he appears.
Whilst not as bad as I may be implying, this is effectively a watered down version of far superior espionage thrillers; Bourne, Alias, even Bond and, ultimately, just feels a little plodding and tame.
Yawn.
3 out of 5
The plot: When a Russian defector walks into CIA Headquarters voluntarily to turn himself in, Jolie's Evelyn Salt is sent in to interrogate him, to find out what he knows and, just as importantly, to find out what he wants in return for his information. The man is unusually co-operative and, most intriguingly, he claims to want nothing in return.
Then he drops his bombshell:
He claims that an agent named Evelyn Salt is a Russian double agent, one of a batch of sleeper agents set in place by the KGB during the height of the Cold War in readiness for Day X, the day Russia would strike out at America and crush it once and for all.
Salt is rattled, her superiors more so who intend to take her captive, but she has other ideas, making good her escape in a manner so complicated and contrived it brought a genuine smile.
So begins a cat and mouse game of 'hunt the rogue agent,' Jolie protesting her innocence, claiming that she is just trying to protect her husband.
Famously intended as a Tom Cruise movie, the makers had to switch genders when he pulled out to make that height of banality Knight and Day instead, though this isn't much better, in truth.
The set-pieces are ludicrously unrealistic, which would be OK, but they are handled poorly, too, the CGI woven into the onscreen mayhem in a very slipshod manner.
Jolie is OK, I suppose, though she doesn't get to say much, her role pretty much confined to running around a lot, pouting with those freakish rubber lips and clinging on to the top of moving vehicles.
Interest levels aren't helped any by the casting of Liev Schreiber as supporting male, an actor so boring and lifeless he seems to suck the energy out of every scene in which he appears.
Whilst not as bad as I may be implying, this is effectively a watered down version of far superior espionage thrillers; Bourne, Alias, even Bond and, ultimately, just feels a little plodding and tame.
Yawn.
3 out of 5
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