Shark Night 3D (2011) Dir: David R. Ellis

See, I live in The Midlands, UK.
I am, physically, about as far as it is to get from salt water (fnar, fnar) as it is possible to be in this nation.
And yet....
Sharks.
Man, they fill me with a fear only equalled by wasps and burly builders.

The plot:
Six highly attractive twenty somethings head into the Bayou for a weekend of fun and frolics. Feeling safe, the last thing they expect from an inland lake is to be picked off by man eating sharks but, wouldn't you know it, that's exactly what begins to happen.
How did the sharks get there?
What's with the inbred local sorts seeming to thrive on the attacks?
And why do the big fish seem to be rigged up with cameras?

By every logical measurement, this is awful.
The actors seem to be bewildered for the most part, probably wondering how they ended up doing 3 years at drama school to end up in shit like this.
The direction is lacklustre, almost comical at times.
The script is derisory, the plot nonsensical.
But, let's be honest, no-one's going into this hoping for the next Schindler's List.
Despite the many, many flaws, I have to say I enjoyed this.
Sharks attack, people get dragged around on the surface before disappearing in a spunk of blood.
My only real complaint is that it was way too tame.
Not enough sharks.
Not enough blood.
Not enough limbs being ripped off.
In fact, the shark action, at times, reminded one of Sean Connery era James Bond.
Not utterly awful, but nowhere near as graphic as it needed to be in order to be really, really cool.

3 out of 5

Chasing Amy (2001) Dir: Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith's third full length feature sees the writer/director in more reflective mood.

The plot:
Holden McNeil (Ben Affleck) and Banky Edwards (Jason Lee) are moderately successful comic book artists. Their comics bring droves of adoring fans but, for all their success, the pair cannot find true love. Banky, for his part, behaves like a child, repelling women at every turn, whereas Holden has the misfortune of falling for the one women his good looks seem unlikely to appeal to: the local lesbian, Alyssa Jones (Joey Lauren Adams). Well, this being a movie an' all, she begins to fall for the dubious charms of Holden and, now he has precisely what he wants, his sabotage behaviour kicks in, as Alyssa reveals a past filled with sexual adventure and thrill-seeking that Holden is not entirely comfortable with.....

More mature than his previous two offerings, this is the point where Smith really feels like he has grown up.
And what a crying shame that is too.
For the most part, gone are the outrageous vulgarities, in their place adults discussing sexual conquests and sexual positions and their low-self esteem with regards their own love lives and, frankly, it just got on my nerves.
Jay and Silent Bob put in appearance, but even this isn't right, as Bob begins to speak. Now, I get the joke, but it killed the character stone dead, primarily because Kevin Smith, the director, plays Silent Bob and, once he opens his mouth, he can't act for shit.
More mainstream, less disgustingly ribald, this seemed to be pitched more towards the multiplex drones than genuine Kevin Smith fans and it really suffered as a result.
Disappointed.

3 out of 5

Mallrats (1995) Dir: Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith's follow up to his excellent breakout sleeper hit, Clerks.

The plot:
TS and Brodie are young men with little focus in life. When their girlfriends dump them, the pair head down to the shopping mall to kill some time, and plot their next move. Whilst there, they encounter Jay and Silent Bob, an impromptu version of Blind Date, their comic book creator hero Stan Lee and, of course, romantic interludes.

As a filmmaker, Kevin Smith reeks of 'independence'. He clearly has no interest in conforming to movie making staples or formulae, instead ploughing very much his own furrow, one littered with outlandish characters and witty dialogue. You could say his model is one of putting reality on screen, though one seen through a smog of cannabis smoke and LSD come-downs.
Stylistically, this is similar to Clerks, the stripped down, indy approach evident, though of course this one is in colour.
Whether it stands up in comparison to Clerks is another matter entirely, as this seems less in your face, less shocking, less deliberately provocative. Sure it has it's confrontational moments, but the emphasis on the romantic robs it of a little of the power of the predecessor.
With an ensemble cast, the performances are variable and, in truth, the two leads aren't particularly likeable but then, I don't suspect they were ever meant to be.
Very much a love him or hate him kind of writer/director, I liked this a lot, just not quite as much as his first effort.

4 out of 5

Killer Elite (2011) Dir: Gary McKendry

Based on a true story - five words that can provoke tremors of dread - this is a strange beast, not quite sure if it wants to be a taut actioner or a politically charged thriller.
In the end, it delivers neither.

The plot.
Jason Statham is Danny, an elite military operative trained in the black art of assassination. He works alongside Hunter (De Niro), a grizzled old sort who has seen more than his fair share of action. When an assassination attempt turns sour, Danny swears to put the life behind him, to get out of the game, and manages to do so for one whole year.
The lure to pull him back in?
Hunter is taken hostage by an Omani Sheikh, who will only release him if Danny assassinates those responsible for the Sheik's son’s deaths.
The catch?
The killers were British military, specifically the SAS.....

A reasonably neat set-up, this starts off promisingly, with plenty of pacey action scenes and gritty fight sequences but, before too long, the interest starts to wane. See, curiously, even though this is based on a true story, at no point was I convinced by anything that was happening on screen. The plot seemed contrived, artificial, plain ridiculous on occasion, so quite how many liberties were taken is anybody's guess.
The cast perform adequately enough, particularly Jason 'The Stath' Statham who is always watchable. I must confess to something of a man-crush, if truth be told. My God, he looks delightful bare-chested save for a pistol holster.
Enjoyment wise, a telling fact is that, though the run time is only 100 minutes total, this felt more like a two hour plus movie.
Never a good sign.
Stylistic confusion, humdrum plotting, and a scattershot approach to pacing means this is probably one best skipped on the big screen, kids.

2 out of 5

Warrior (2011) Dir: Gavin O'Connor

Sports drama is an odd genre, the movies tending to be either great or dreadful.
You know, for every Rocky there's a Rocky V, for every The Wrestler there's a Jerry fucking Maguire.

The plot:
Separately, two brothers of an alcoholic former boxer begin training to compete in a Mixed Martial Arts competition, a winner takes all event where the victorious man will walk away with a cool $5,000,000.
One brother, Brendan, is a school teacher, with a wife and two daughters, caught in a blizzard of financial woes that see him heading back to the cages.
The second, Tommy, is a former marine, recently back from Iraq where something extraordinary took place that will either be the making or the breaking of him.
Neither brother has forgiven their father for his drunken ways, with blame laid at his door for their mother's early death and, crucially, the brothers themselves have not spoken in years.
So, when the pair of them wind up in the same competition, any bets on how this movie might end?

And there lies one of the problems. Right from the get-go, we know the final scene, could in fact have written it ourselves and, just as the movie reached it's zenith, I found myself urging the writers not to screw it up. Keep the darkness, I was thinking, don't do the obvious.
And then they did.
Add into that the fact that the 'family strife' is very much of soap opera standard, though perhaps not quite as shouty and over-wrought, and we have the makings for a disaster.
But.
But....
Then there are the cage fighting sequences, which are simply extraordinary. Forget the wanton excesses of Stallone's battered and bruised Balboa, all Hollywood sucker punches and human-impossible upper cuts, the violence here seems real for the most part, with only one lapse into silliness that I noted. The director does a fine job of dragging the viewer right into the action so that, at times, you almost feel the elbows smashing into cheekbones and eye sockets being fractured.
So, a mixed bag, with performances that are sure to get it the odd Oscar nod come February, breath-taking fight scenes and needless family melodrama.
Overall verdict?
Family drama guff: 1 out of 5
Fight sequences: 5 out of 5
Averaging out to a straight 3 out of 5

Alien Nation (1988) Dir: Graham Baker

When the plaudits were being handed out to District 9, seems everyone had completely forgotten about this little curio.

The plot:
In 1991, the world has had three years to get used to the idea of aliens' existence. A spaceship hoved into view and, desperate, they are introduced to human society. See, the aliens were genetically programmed to be slaves and, now arriving on the comparatively decadent Earth, it's not too long before The Newcomers develop the same vices and weaknesses as their human hosts.
We follow two cops, one human, James Caan's Matthew Sykes and one Newcomer, Mandy Patinkin's Samuel 'George' Francisco who begin to investigate a series of violent crimes that may expose the sinister underbelly of both humans and visitors alike.

Critically panned, this still gained enough of a cult following to spurn a one season run of a TV show. The problems with the concept are pretty clear as, frankly, this is nought but Lethal Weapon with aliens but, that being said, it's very, very watchable.
James 'Sonny' Caan is eminently engaging, as is Patinkin as the Newcomer cop.
True, the plot starts to run out of steam a little towards the end but, regardless, there are enough novel ideas here to engage - the Newcomers get drunk off sour milk, human penises are insignificant, sea water is acid to the aliens' skin - and, whilst the script is a little hackneyed, somehow the momentum sees it through.
Not the best, then, but certainly good enough that I will be checking out the TV show.
Decent sci-fi.

4 out of 5

The Ruins (2008) Dir: Carter Smith

Modern horror is rubbish, right?

The plot:
Two couples are enjoying a relaxingly perfect holiday in Mehikko and, chilling by the pool, they are befriended by a German tourist who invites them on an escapade to visit a remote Mayan temple. Initially reluctant, the foursome decide to follow his advice. Arriving in the middle of the jungle, they admire the construct briefly, before a gang of locals turn up, armed with guns and arrows and force them to climb the structure. Realising the armed sorts below won;t let them down, it's not too long before the stranded tourists discover that the folks with guns are the least of their troubles.....

This is a classic example of the bait and switch.
The bait: They lure you in thinking that this is just going to be a regular modern horror film.
The switch: The plot takes a decidedly unexpected turn and, more importantly, they actually manage to develop characters you care for at all.
With a viciousness at it's heart which is most appealing, this manages to be both emotionally engaging and stomach churning. One scene in particular, involving a knife and a prostrate German - I'll say no more - is tough going, but that's all to the good, as it means it is simply delivering on it's promise as a horror film.
You know.
To horrify.
With decent performances, a retro angle to the plot that might remind those of a certain pedigree of The Avengers (The Maneater of Surrey Green) or Doctor Who (The Seeds of Doom) this is proper horror that even made this genre devotee squirm on more than one occasion.
Very, very good indeed.

5 out of 5

Orphan (2009) Dir: Jaume Collet-Serra

Paedophobic tract that treads very familiar territory.

The plot:
Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard are a professional couple, trying to come to terms with the loss of a daughter during childbirth.
Several months pass, and the pair decide to adopt a child.
Heading to the local nunnery (!) they opt for a nine year old Russian orphan named Esther. Well-mannered, intelligent, artistic, she seems ideal but, soon after arriving at the family home, things take a turn for the sinister.
Is Esther all she appears to be?
Or is she in fact the spawn of Satan himself?
I'm not going to tell you, of course.

Though this is a tale that has been told previously, in various forms (The Omen, Village of the Damned, even Single White Female to some extent), it's still solid enough entertainment.
Vera Farmiga is excellent, as always, but the standout performance has to go to Isabelle Fuhrman, only 11 at the time, who is convincingly menacing and creepy.
With a run time that just creeps over the threshold into 'slightly too long,' with some tighter editing, this could have been a real gem.
As it is, rock solid creepy thriller fodder.

4 out of 5

Dead Silence (2007) Dir: James Wan

Undeservedly maligned 'proper' horror from Saw director James Wan and, yes, Saw writer, Leigh Whannell. (Oh and the score is provided by the same guy as Saw, too!)

The plot:
A nauseatingly happy young couple's lives are ruined when a mysterious package turns up on the doorstep. Large and unlabelled, they open the parcel and, within, discover a ventriloquist's mannequin, bedecked in a tuxedo and looking for all the world like something really fucking terrifying. Foolishly, they chose not to burn the blasted thing at once, as most rational people would have done and, instead, the guy goes out to get Chinese and, when he returns, his woman is dead, her tongue ripped clean from her throat.
So begins a sinister chain of events that will have ties back to his own family, will involve an unnecessarily wacky detective, and will feature the odd interlude of unfortunate CGI effects.

You know, I really like James Wan.
He's suffered, you see, from the massive success of Saw.
Unjustifiably.
He was only directly involved in the first installment - he exec. produced the rest, which basically means turned up one morning and drank some coffee - and a mighty fine 'tricks and traps' horror movie it is, too. He's not to be blamed for the annual derivation, the yearly drop in standards.
Give him a break, motherfuckers.
Take last years Insidious. Really creepy, really menacing, right up until the last twenty minutes, sure, but the first hour was just great.
So here we have some genuine scares, some real genre-literate horror movie-making that should make the piss-pricks responsible for atrocious Freddy/Jason/Leatherface remakes deeply, deeply ashamed.
It's not perfect: it'll be too old school for some, whilst occasionally killing the atmosphere for the old school fans through some desperately unwanted CGI shots, but this is still decent horror and, frankly, that is more than can be said for most of the pap that is out there nowadays.
Quite liked this one.

4 out of 5

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (2009) Dir: Tony Scott

Tony Scott, no stranger to high concept film-making, here takes charge of a remake of a 70's high-concept thriller that has become something of a cult classic.

The plot:
Denzel Washington's Walter Garber works for the MTA in New York and, one unfortunate day, he finds himself in charge of the subway network at the very moment John Travolta's Ryder and his gang commandeer a train, and hold nineteen passengers as hostages.
The ransom?
A cool $10,000,000.
As the mayor plays for time, soon Garber becomes a source of fascination for Ryder and, quickly, their relationship blossoms to the point that Ryder will speak to no-one else, even if that means Garber will be forced to reveal truths about his past that could see him up on felony charges.

You know, it's been a long time since I saw the original, but I'm sure it was better than this.
Here, the only real standout is Denzel who, as ever, crackles in the leading role, albeit one that is primarily desk-bound, right up to the closing scenes.
James 'Tony Soprano' Galdofini pops up in a well received cameo as New York's mayor, but the real Achilles heel here is Scott's hideous directorial style, with much use made of choppy, staccato edit sequences, unnecessary zoom shots, and out of focus helicopters dominating the New York skyline.
Let's be honest, he is just a shade this side of Michael Bay in his excesses and, more often than not, it leaves the viewer with nothing other than a headache.
A shame then as, with a decent cast, this could have been a great remake of the movie Tarantino claims as inspiration for his debut feature, Reservoir Dogs.
As it is, this is rendered as nought but another unnecessary addition to the legacy of classic movies being updated for the drooling masses.
Dull.

3 out of 5

Apollo 18 (2011) Gonzalo López-Gallego

Something horrible lurks on the moon.

The plot:
Officially, Apollo 17 was the final mission to the moon for NASA but, in this 'found footage' movie, we see the reason that, even though Apollo 18 actually launched, nothing was ever revealed about it's mission.
Two astronauts arrive on the surface of the moon and, before very long at all, they begin to feel creeped out. Strange noises, odd video footage and, most disturbingly, unknown footprints in the lunar soil.
Following the path, the pair discover a Russian landing vessel and, within, signs of a struggle.
Exploration of the nearby area reveals a cosmonaut, dead, apparently by violent means.
Will the pair get off the surface?
Or will they meet the same end as their cold war rivals.

You know, found footage movies have every right to feel a bit 'last century,' yet this manages to engage from the off.
With a brief runtime that really serves a purpose, there is no time to waste on unnecessaries and, instead, the intensity soon begins to ratchet.
With some pretty cool visuals - the 'thing' inside the spacesuit is particularly frightening - and solid performances, this relies on genuine scares and stripped down sensibilities, and really delivers the goods.
Literally taking a long, hard running piss at the likes of Transfuckers 3, this is down to the bone movie making that packs a significant punch.
Liked it very much indeed.

4 out of 5

Runaway (1984) Dir: Michael Crichton

Tom Selleck stars in this futuristic thriller, and just about manages to get away with it.

The plot:
In the near future, mankind's reliance on robotic technology has become all consuming. every aspect of life is either controlled or assisted by robots, to make the life of the living safer, more comfortable. Problem is, more often than seems normal, the damned things go wrong and, when they do, terrible things can occur. be it a 'bot designed for construction hurling slabs from a building, or a 'bot about the house turning kill crazy and slaughtering an entire family. That's where the special Runaway division of the police come in, to control, handle and, if needs be, take down the errant robots. And, as if all that weren't bad enough, Gene Simmons turns up as an unlikely villain, determined to corrupt the technology even further....

Writer director Crichton has something of a fascination for 'when technology attacks' plotlines, being the mind behind Jurassic Park, Westworld, The Andromeda Strain. Here, handling directorial duties as well, this was clearly perceived as the big budget big hitter of the year, but never quite made the impact expected. Selleck is likeable enough in the lead role, but the movie is hampered somewhat by some shocking design choices - seriously, these robots couldn't have looked cool even in 1984.
With a streak of silliness running through it that I thoroughly enjoyed, this borders on the terrible, but somehow manages to be most entertaining throughout.
Liked it.

4 out of 5