The Ruins (2008) Dir: Carter Smith

Modern horror is rubbish, right?

The plot:
Two couples are enjoying a relaxingly perfect holiday in Mehikko and, chilling by the pool, they are befriended by a German tourist who invites them on an escapade to visit a remote Mayan temple. Initially reluctant, the foursome decide to follow his advice. Arriving in the middle of the jungle, they admire the construct briefly, before a gang of locals turn up, armed with guns and arrows and force them to climb the structure. Realising the armed sorts below won;t let them down, it's not too long before the stranded tourists discover that the folks with guns are the least of their troubles.....

This is a classic example of the bait and switch.
The bait: They lure you in thinking that this is just going to be a regular modern horror film.
The switch: The plot takes a decidedly unexpected turn and, more importantly, they actually manage to develop characters you care for at all.
With a viciousness at it's heart which is most appealing, this manages to be both emotionally engaging and stomach churning. One scene in particular, involving a knife and a prostrate German - I'll say no more - is tough going, but that's all to the good, as it means it is simply delivering on it's promise as a horror film.
You know.
To horrify.
With decent performances, a retro angle to the plot that might remind those of a certain pedigree of The Avengers (The Maneater of Surrey Green) or Doctor Who (The Seeds of Doom) this is proper horror that even made this genre devotee squirm on more than one occasion.
Very, very good indeed.

5 out of 5

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011) Dir: David Yates

The conclusion of the Harry Potter saga is a dark, intense, action packed affair.
The plot:
With Ron, Harry and Hermione in search of the missing Horcruxes, Voldemort's plans to destroy Hogwarts, Harry and all who refused to follow gathers momentum.
Can Harry and chums destroy the Horcruxes in time?
Is Ron given so few lines because he can't actually fucking act?
And is it just me, or does Helena Bonham Carter look increasingly like a slightly more demented Anne Robinson?
With seven movies preceding it, it's clear that any attempt at plot catch-up is redundant, so this just plunges straight into the action.
With some nice character interplay, some extraordinarily spectacular battle sequences that remind one a little of the epic scenes in Lord of the Rings, this is both cinematic and dramatic.
With my only previous Potter movie point of reference being the very first outing, which was shockingly awful, this was a genuine surprise. Gone are the kid-friendly antics and childish tone, in their place high drama and genuine scale.
Whilst I don't think this is a movie that would tolerate many repeat viewings, still there was enough density of plot to suggest at least one more watch could reveal extra detail.
Throw in the fact that the cream of British acting talent are all present, correct and clearly loving every bally minute of it and what you have is a proper cinema experience.
As ever, I watched it in 2D as 3D holds no interest, and I can see little of value that could be added here.
A fine conclusion to the series, and one that has tempted me to possibly go back and watch the earlier movies, though I think I'll start at number 3, where the darkness apparently kicks in.
Good stuff.

4 out of 5

Slugs (1988) Dir: Juan Piquer Simón

Based on Shaun Hutson's infamous schlock novel, this really should be far more dreadful than it actually is.
The plot:
Having transposed the action from the UK in the novel to the US on screen, we follow a sanitation inspectors bid to convince the local authorities that a series of grisly deaths in his sleepy rural town are the work of a new breed of flesh-eating, mutant slugs.
Inevitably, his warnings fall on deaf ears.....right up to the moment bodies start appearing and a man's head explodes in a restaurant as slugs eat their way from the inside out.....
Low budget this most certainly is, having the feel, acting wise, of one of those German porno movies where you know at any moment the woman is going to be shitting in someone's mouth but, let's be honest, you don't watch a movie called Slugs for the quality of the acting.
Though the moments of gore are fairly limited, presumably for financial reasons, they are nevertheless reasonably effective. The aforementioned head chewing scene is well worth a look, and there are several other highlights of slugs chewing their way through eyeballs, cheeks and the like. We also get plentifuol shots of the slimy little buggers writhing around over each other in a particularly suggestive manner, which could be seen as a deviantly delightful treat by some.
Not by me, mind.
Not by me.
Z grade horror this most certainly is, but worst movie ever made - as several reviews I have read claim - I think not.
Decent.

3 out of 5

Phantoms (1998) Dir: Joe Chappelle

Based on Dean Koontz's cracking 1983 novel, this is lent a certain level of credibility given that the author himself wrote the screenplay. 
The Plot: Two sisters, Lisa and Jenny Pailey, head to Snowfield, a small town in Colorado, population roughly 500, to escape the trials and stresses of family life. 
As they drive into town, the place seems alarmingly quiet, even for such an isolated community.  Entering a building, they discover a corpse, but worse is to follow as the two women discover a series of grisly finds; severed hands, arm, legs and feet, as well as more bodies, the people apparently falling where they stood, with no sign of a struggle. 
What could possibly kill an entire population so swiftly that no-one has time to react? 
And what link Timothy Flyte, editor and some time lecturer in matters mysterious and unexplainable?
For those familiar with the flatworm theory, the answer may be self evident. 
For others, you’ll have to watch to find the answers.
Whilst many horror book to movie conversions are pretty unsuccessful, as Mr. King has found out to his cost on more than one occasion, this is not the case here. 
Koontz's book is a master class in tension and intrigue, and the movie is certainly heading in the same direction.  With some decent scripting, and above average 'names' in terms of the actors featured (Ben Affleck, Peter O'Toole, Rose McGowan, Liev Schreiber) this was clearly meant to be Koontz's big break into mainstream cinema.  That it didn't turn out that way had more to do with marketing than the poor quality of the movie itself. 
An old fashioned horror movie in many ways, this showcases credible character interplay, a nice line in vicious, face-eating beasties and is infused with a sense of the macabre almost from the opening shot, so should satisfy most horror devotees out there. 
Even the presence of the usually vapid Affleck and the perma-bland Liev Schrieber can't keep this one down. 
Proper horror, done the old school way, I enjoyed this very much indeed.

4 out of 5

Dolores Claiborne (1995) Dir: Taylor Hackford

Question: Is it possible to make a decent movie out of probably Stephen King's most boring book (and that's up against some pretty stiff competition, folks, much as I love him).
Answer: Just about.
The plot: Dolores Claiborne (Kathy Bates) is an old fashioned sort, living in a Maine backwater, washed out, having spent half of her life being run down by an abusive, alcoholic husband and the other half nursing a hideously pedantic rich old bitch for whom everything must be just so. We pick up the story as Dolores' estranged daughter Selena (the scrumptious Jennifer Jason Leigh) comes a-visitin', not out of the goodness of her heart, but because her mother is charged with murder, for the second time in her life. First time round, it was her husband she was accused of killing, though nothing was ever proved whilst, this time, it is the old woman she tends to.
The detective who failed to put her behind bars way back when is convinced she is guilty once more and will stop at nothing to make sure justice is served, a man on a mission, fuelled by the burning resentment he feels at his failure to secure a conviction all those years ago.
But what reason to kill the old hag?
One million dollars worth of reasons, in the form of an inheritance, Dolores the sole beneficiary.
The casting of Bates is a strange one, though perhaps understandable in marketing terms for the drooling masses.
"'Er was in vat Misery filum, wor 'er? Must be a seekwel, eh it?'"
Casting someone who created such an iconic character as Annie Wilkes was brave, especially as that film too was obviously adapted from a novel by the same author, but it pays off as she is clearly the star turn, evoking sympathy by the eyeful as the brow-beaten old spinster, alone in the world now that the woman she cared for is gone, even when in the same room as her own daughter.
Whilst not King's usual raison d'etre, it is hardly alien territory to the macabre one, as this taps into the same dark vein as much of his horror work, despite the lack of ghoulies and ghosties.
A tad overlong, this outstays its welcome by roughly twenty minutes, but nevertheless is a stylish, grimly tense and claustrophobic affair, spiced up by some power acting and King's trademark colourful and jaundiced black humour infusing the piece.
A quality crime drama.

4 out of 5

Interview with the Vampire (1994) Dir: Neil Jordan

You know, I saw this movie at the cinema when it first came out and hated it with a passion. At the time, I was something of a bloodfiend, with only the goriest or most shockingly violent movies even raising a glimmer of interest. As time passes, however, we temper our views and mellow, becoming more moderate in our disposition and more capable of being entertained by such things as atmosphere and script.
So how would I view this movie, some sixteen years later?
Well, you know what, you could blow me down with a blast of thermox, I really bloody enjoyed it.
Whilst the setup itself is somewhat annoying - the whole 'interview thang' with Slistian Chrater and Pad Britt - the movie itself is never less than engaging, with a well polished script and impressive stylings.
Visually, this is sumptuous and warm, drawing you into the on screen interplay between the characters, whilst the plot itself is a broiling fondue of bloodletting and romance, all held together by solid performances from three impressive leading men.
That's what I was thinking.
Then I looked down at myself and realised I had a cock swinging between my legs and spotted an absolute absence of heaving bosom.
Honestly, folks, this is mind-crushing pap aimed squarely at two sections of society: hormonal tweenage girls and hormonal, perhaps menopausal middle aged women who dream of squeezing Pad Britt's fully engorged length into their cock starved pussies.
And there's nothing wrong with that, in all honesty, just don't dress it up as horror.
Don't introduce it as horror on the reruns on ITV4.
Don't even mention the word horror when describing it.
It ain't horror.
It's pretty boys in period costumes and wigs, which is all well and good but, seriously, if you are a horror fan and think that this is even remotely tolerable, you need to get down HMV tomorrow and buy the entire back catalogue of Shirley Bassey post haste.
I have a funny feeling you'd like that as well.....