The Ruins (2008) Dir: Carter Smith

Modern horror is rubbish, right?

The plot:
Two couples are enjoying a relaxingly perfect holiday in Mehikko and, chilling by the pool, they are befriended by a German tourist who invites them on an escapade to visit a remote Mayan temple. Initially reluctant, the foursome decide to follow his advice. Arriving in the middle of the jungle, they admire the construct briefly, before a gang of locals turn up, armed with guns and arrows and force them to climb the structure. Realising the armed sorts below won;t let them down, it's not too long before the stranded tourists discover that the folks with guns are the least of their troubles.....

This is a classic example of the bait and switch.
The bait: They lure you in thinking that this is just going to be a regular modern horror film.
The switch: The plot takes a decidedly unexpected turn and, more importantly, they actually manage to develop characters you care for at all.
With a viciousness at it's heart which is most appealing, this manages to be both emotionally engaging and stomach churning. One scene in particular, involving a knife and a prostrate German - I'll say no more - is tough going, but that's all to the good, as it means it is simply delivering on it's promise as a horror film.
You know.
To horrify.
With decent performances, a retro angle to the plot that might remind those of a certain pedigree of The Avengers (The Maneater of Surrey Green) or Doctor Who (The Seeds of Doom) this is proper horror that even made this genre devotee squirm on more than one occasion.
Very, very good indeed.

5 out of 5

Final Destination 5 (2011) Dir: Steven Quale

I have to fight every instinct I possess not to get snotty about shit like this.

The plot:
On their way to a management 'empowerment' weekend, a group of super good looking fuckniks escape death via a suspension bridge collapse when one of their number 'perceives' the event in advance.
Then Death comes to claim the souls that escaped his evil clutches.

Look, we all know the setup here:
This is nothing to do with making movies. This is simple, efficient choreography and engineering combined.
Choreograph the steps involved in setting these wankers up for death.
Engineer suitable premises to lop off their heads / squish their skulls / rip out their guts / burn out their eyes.
It's horror by numbers that is no more complex than the colour by numbers books we all used to complete as dribbling infants and, frankly, I despise myself for having wasted 90 minutes watching the dross.
Whilst some of the death sequences were pretty imaginative, as multiple hazards were laid as red herrings before the ultimate death move, this is lowest common denominator fodder that bored the piss out of me. Literally. I visited the lavatory twice during the runtime, just for something to do.
Really this is a one 'Cult Skull' rated movie, and I've only added a skull due to the cameo of Tony 'Candyman' Todd, who is always a welcome screen presence.
Dull as the proverbial Death.

2 out of 5

The Others (2001) Dir: Alejandro Amenábar

Quite why director Alejandro Amenábar has not made a movie in near seven years is anyone's guess.

The plot:
A war widow named Grace (Nicole Kidman) retreats to a mansion on Jersey at the tail end of the Second World War, the only part of the British Isles to have been successfully invaded by Hitler's Nazi's. She occupies the house with her two children, both of whom suffer from a debilitating affliction, the major symptom of which is acute photosensitivity.
Confined to the house, unable to be touched by daylight, the children insist to their mother that they are not alone in the mansion, that there are Others occupying their living space.

Amenábar crafts a spooky scenario with some conviction, foregoing cheap shocks and frights in favour of a creeping sense of dread that is almost palpable as the movie progresses.
With solid performances from all, even Kidman who, as far as Smell the Cult HQ is concerned, is about as wishy-washy as they get, this is unnerving and deftly handled.
If torture porn is your bag, forget this, as we see nerry a shot of guts or viscera, instead being treated to a building sensation of genuine fear.
A cut above most modern horror, this is both frightening and thought provoking, and only loses a mark for being a touch too drawn out.
Good, solid psychological horror.

4 out of 5

Mother's Day (2010) Dir: Darren Lynn Bousman

Yet another remake of an 80's horror, this could only be bad, right?
The plot:
A couple have recently moved into a new house and seem to be throwing some kind of birthday party, so their disgustingly attractive friends are around.
Meantime, three brothers are in a spot of bother. One's been shot in a bank heist gone wrong, badly, and is going to die, so they decide to head back to the family home which is, yep, you guessed it, the very same home the new couple have moved into. Once there, all manner of threats ensue as they take control, then call for Mother to tell them what to do next.
Enter stage right Rebecca 'Hand That Rocks the Cradle' De Mornay to pull her mad as a bucket of frogs schtick.
And it's pretty nasty, and pretty violent, which is no surprise since director Bousman also directed Saws 2,3 and 4.
Thing is - and this is a big problem for me - it's 112 minutes long.
What the fuck?
This is an exploitation movie. Why on Earth is it so long? 90 minutes tops, people which, coincidentally is the precise run time of the original, a movie I am yet to see but which, by all accounts, is not very good at all.
So here we have it.
2011.
They've remade all of the decent horror from the 70's and 80's - well, maybe not The Exorcist or Hellraiser, but they can't be too far away - so now they are turning to the mediocre.
Save for one pretty entertainingly disturbing scene next to a cash machine (I won't spoil it, but it is nice and twisted, and shows Bousman's Saw related heritage) this is not even deserving of the accolade average.
Boring.

2 out of 5

House of Wax (2005) Dir: Jaume Collet-Serra

House of Wax is a name that should bring a smile to the lips of any cult cinema fan. The 1950's original was an early example of 3D, directed by André De Toth, a man with only one functioning eye, meaning that he could never see the movie in the same way as his audiences.
Skip forward 52 years, and we get a remake directed by Jaume Collet-Serra, a man who had never shot a movie before, and whose follow up film would be Goal 2: Living the Dream.
Yikes!
The plot:
Six friends are on a long distance car trek to Louisiana to watch an American football game, the daft sods. Along the way, the inevitable car trouble strikes and they wind up in a sinister and strangely deserted town called Ambrose, whose sole point of interest lies in the House of Wax that seems the centre-piece of the place. Through a series of MacGuffins so implausible you may want to drown yourself in boiling wax, the intrepid team discover that all is not as it seems at the waxwork and that, is they are not very, very careful, they may well become the next set of exhibits.....
Yeah, it's about as predictable as runny bowels after a very hot curry, only much more painful to endure.
See, never mind the original, this was done with much more panache, much more style, much more, you know, wit seventeen years earlier in Hickox's wildly demented Waxwork. But that would be ok if this had any class about it at all and, frankly, it just doesn't.
The scripting is woeful.
The acting shoddy, at best, and the lead characters about as likeable as a severe bout of Trench Foot.
Paris Hilton appears to be the main star 'pull' and, trust me, she was far more likely to win a gong for her performance sucking that guys cock in night vision than through this performance.
Boring.
Derivative.
Unimaginative.
Shit.
Avoid.

1 out of 5

Turistas (2006) Dir: John Stockwell

Desperately disappointing modern horror that has a reputation which far exceeds the sum of it's parts.
The plot:
A group of backpackers find themselves stranded in a remote coastal region of Brazil when the bus they are travelling on is involved in a serious accident and slides off a cliff. As luck would have it, all passengers were able to escape before the bus was lost and, luckier still, they are just a few minutes walk from a beautiful, isolated beach that, for some weird reason given the solitude, is also equipped with a staffed bar. Thinking they have landed on their feet, the tourists stay the night, drinking into the early hours but, before the night is through, they are drugged. Awakening to find all of their possessions gone, with nothing except the clothes they are standing in, they head to the nearby village for assistance but are brushed aside. Only one native will offer help, and he leads them through the jungle to a house, where a terrible fate awaits them.
Whilst the acting and production values are of a decent standard, the real problem here is that there is simply not enough storyline to justify a full length feature.
Hell, this would struggle to fill a forty five minute run-time for a TV show.
As a result, the first forty minutes is spent on establishing the characters - too long - before the horror reveal then, once the reveal is complete, the final forty minutes is spent with Our Heroes being chased around a bit.
And by all the Christ's on this Earth, it's dull.
People run.
People scream.
People run some more.
People shout and caterwaul and run and scream.
Bored the living teats off me, and I tend to like seeing people suffer.
With some beautiful scenery, some decent underwater filming and a healthily good looking cast, this should be far more gripping than it is.
Don't bother with it.

2 out of 5

Note: In the UK and France this is known as Paradise Lost. In Japan, as Blood Paradise. Don't be fooled by the alternate titles. They're all the same deathly dull movie.

The Breed (2006) Dir: Nicholas Mastandrea

We all love dogs, right?
The plot:
A gaggle of sickeningly attractive 'teenagers' head to a remote island, where two of their number grew up, to have a party weekend.
Should be fun.
That is, unless a pack of slavering dogs begin to attack, hellbent on feasting on their flesh.......
It's pretty derivative stuff, the old 'horde of unnaturally malevolent creatures attack in numbers,' the obvious trick here being it's dogs rather than, say, zombies or vampires or werewolves or phantoms or slugs or rats or.....
Know what I mean?
The cast are pretty loathsome, with the notable exception of Michelle Rodriguez, who does her best with the heap of shit she's given to work with, both in terms of script and co-stars.
All that being said, I didn't hate this, with the dog attack scenes being effectively handled and, given that we take these things in as pets, it is quite disturbing to see them tearing corpses apart like the scavengers that they truly are. One gloriously disturbing image involves a white coated canine removing it's large head from the abdomen of a fallen member of the pack, it's beautiful white coat stained pure crimson. Quite a striking visual.
Nothing remarkable to see here, but worth a watch just for the killer dogs.

3 out of 5

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006) Dir: Jonathan Liebesman

Harsh light.
People shouting.
Tobacco spat.
Nasty Sheriff.
Empty headed.
Leatherface. Blood flows.
Teen deaths.
Michael Bay.
Exec. Produced.
Soul destroying.
Modern horror.
Sado-slant.
Cash cow.
Artistic vacuum.
Provoked nausea.
Wrong reasons.
Screaming boys.
Screaming girls.
Screaming Mo.
Bad film.
Eyes blink.
Head hurts.
End this.
Sorrowed heart.
Tears flow.
Film ends.
Mo sighs.
Hangs head.
Death prayer.
Lights out.

1 out of 5

Land of the Dead (2005) Dir: George A. Romero

Romero takes us on a fourth outing of his much celebrated 'Zombies' narrative, this one a very modern, very different animal from its precursors.
The plot: Set at an unspecified time, both in terms contemporary and in relation to the other movies in the series (assuming this is all the same universe in the first place - an argument for another time) here we see the teeming dead setting siege to a luxurious high rise community, Fiddler's Green (an unfortunate turn of phrase for those in the UK) which is 'governed' by Dennis Hopper's grotesquely wealthy and uncaring Paul Kaufman.
Those within the walls of the city are protected from the masticators of mankind's matter, by both river and electric fence, living in relative contentment whilst the world beyond falls into ever deeper decay.
A small band of survivors do what they can to eke out an existence, taking what they need from abandoned shops whilst at the same time protecting themselves from zombies and would be thieves alike.
Kaufman himself is responsible for an armoured vehicle known as Dead Reckoning, replete with heavy artillery and a barrage of fireworks which are used to distract the corpsified ones when necessary. What Kaufman doesn't reckon upon is that his world of comfort is about to be shattered on two fronts; by a slighted ex-employee who takes offence at being given the boot, and by the zombies who seem determined to get their hands on the fresh meat within Fiddler's Green.
The zombies themselves are an evolution - perhaps in response to the Rage style monsters that inhabit the more recent 'zombie' movies such as 28 Days Later and even the Dawn of the Dead remake - now capable of handling tools and performing rudimentary tasks and they have a leader, an emotional zombified sort who keens and wails whenever any of his own kind fall.
With Romero, you expect social commentary and he delivers, this time his ire apparently aimed at the recent trend for the wealthy and privileged to inhabit gated communities, isolating themselves, shut off and protected from The Great Unwashed.
Perhaps not as gory as Day of the Dead, this still has enough gruel to satisfy most blood fiends out there, though it is worth noting that, however blasphemous it may be to state this, some of Tom Savini's make up design for the zombies is starting to feel a little out of date.
Whilst I am aware that this movie does not quite reach the heights of the previous offerings, this is still damn good quality horror, done the old fashioned way, which is to be commended.
Yes, I'm a fanboy when it comes to Romero and, yes, I have a bit of a soft spot for the zombie genre in general, but this ain't 'alf bad.
Besides, I'd forgive Romero most things.
I might even let him fellate me if he asked really, really nicely.

4 out of 5

The Collector (2009) Dir: Marcus Dunstan

I'm feeling an immense sense of relief right now.
Just returned from the cinema where I watched yet another modern horror movie. As I entered the theatre, I was waiting to be disappointed, waiting to feel that burning fury that festers after the first thirty minutes or so, just waiting for the anger to boil over on the way home; screaming at the driver in front for moving too slowly, banging the horn in frustration, or rolling the window down to scream at the old lady doddering across the road with her arms laden with shopping bags, screeching 'Move you fucking hag,' not really angry at her, angry at the lamentable efforts of the movie makers, lashing out at those who deserve it least.
But, no such reaction today.
Today I am an ocean of tranquility, my heart beating slowly in my chest, thirty eight, thirty nine, forty times a minute as I focus on slowing my metabolism to a near catatonic state in a bid to prolong the feelings of genuine pleasure that are coursing through me having sat through ninety minutes of gruel, gruesomeness and gore that had me grinning like an imbecile by the end.
Here's the plot: Arkin is a man on the edge. His girlfriend has until midnight to lay her hands on a serious amount of cash to fend of the loan sharks that are circling, teeth bared, eager for their pound of flesh. Out of nought but desperation, he plans the robbery of a very wealthy family he has been working for, casing the joint in case of just such an eventuality. He's figured out where the safe is and knows full well that concealed within is a gem worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Getting in is the easy part but, once inside, he discovers he is not alone. The Collector is present, an unidentified male sporting a rather fetching gimp mask and, unexpectedly, the family are still home, trussed up in the basement, playthings of The Collector.
Can Arkin escape the house that The Collector has riddled with lethal booby traps?
Can he help the family escape?
Or will his latent homosexual feelings emerge as he spies the man in leather, so that they join forces and start double-teaming the father whilst still bound in coils of barbed wire?
(I made that last bit up).

Directed by the man responsible for penning Saws 4 through 7, you pretty much know what you are letting yourself in for here, and he delivers it with some conviction.
Nasty, brutal and genuinely shocking in places - the secateurs on the tongue is particularly sac shrinking - this is one of those that will divide even horror aficionados, with lovers and loathers in equal measure, some declaring it torture porn, some revelling in its ghastliness.
If Saw or Hostel were too much for your mellow disposition, I'd avoid this like brown snow as this is a nastier animal altogether.
Liked it a lot.

4 out of 5

Boogeyman (2005) Dir: Stephen T. Kay

Sometimes modern horror really pisses me off.
Here's how it works:
Steal the shell of an idea from J-horror, particularly in terms of the jaggedy-spiky-twitchy effects cast in a green-grey hue at the moments that are supposed to be blood chilling, you know, to really lay it on thick so that the audience has absolutely no doubt that 'Vis is v momint yume ment to be scayrd.'
Make one or two preposterous assumptions.
Assumption 1: No-one in the audience has ever seen a horror movie before.
Assumption 2: It's OK to replace genuine dynamics and dread with 'jump' moments facilitated by a sudden screeching blast, sharp and jarring, thus waking the viewers up from the near vegetative state they find themselves in after struggling through the cinematic equivalent of diarrhoea you are smearing all over the screen.
Added to the assumptions comes the ridiculous notion that your main 'menace' can come in the form of a CGI only monster that has about as much of a chill factor as the crack of my buttocks after a lengthy run around the park.
Learn, you fucking morons, learn. If even the mighty David Fincher struggles to make a CGI beastie frightening in his Alien attempt, how are you talentless droons going to stand any chance of making it work.
Oh yeah, and to ensure you know that he is frightening, every time the eponymous Boogeyman (Boogie Man would have been more terrifying, a demon from the fifth layer of hell that quite literally funks his victims into raw, bloody submission) the beast screeches as loudly as the dim witted studio execs permit by law for fear of litigation, joining in with the 'musical' cacophony so that your ears are rendered obsolete, fingers stuffed into your lugholes to block out the din, a sound so ferocious its vibrations on your very tongue mean you can actually taste the decibels.
Jesus covered in foam, I HATED this.

1 out of 5