The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (2009) Dir: Tony Scott

Tony Scott, no stranger to high concept film-making, here takes charge of a remake of a 70's high-concept thriller that has become something of a cult classic.

The plot:
Denzel Washington's Walter Garber works for the MTA in New York and, one unfortunate day, he finds himself in charge of the subway network at the very moment John Travolta's Ryder and his gang commandeer a train, and hold nineteen passengers as hostages.
The ransom?
A cool $10,000,000.
As the mayor plays for time, soon Garber becomes a source of fascination for Ryder and, quickly, their relationship blossoms to the point that Ryder will speak to no-one else, even if that means Garber will be forced to reveal truths about his past that could see him up on felony charges.

You know, it's been a long time since I saw the original, but I'm sure it was better than this.
Here, the only real standout is Denzel who, as ever, crackles in the leading role, albeit one that is primarily desk-bound, right up to the closing scenes.
James 'Tony Soprano' Galdofini pops up in a well received cameo as New York's mayor, but the real Achilles heel here is Scott's hideous directorial style, with much use made of choppy, staccato edit sequences, unnecessary zoom shots, and out of focus helicopters dominating the New York skyline.
Let's be honest, he is just a shade this side of Michael Bay in his excesses and, more often than not, it leaves the viewer with nothing other than a headache.
A shame then as, with a decent cast, this could have been a great remake of the movie Tarantino claims as inspiration for his debut feature, Reservoir Dogs.
As it is, this is rendered as nought but another unnecessary addition to the legacy of classic movies being updated for the drooling masses.
Dull.

3 out of 5

Conan the Barbarian (2011) Dir: Marcus Nispel

Remake of the cult sword and sorcery favourite.

The plot:
Conan is a man born of battle, whose mother gave birth on the field of war. Conan belongs to the tribe known as the Cimmerian, residing in the land of Hyboria. When, as an adolescent, Conan witnesses his village being razed to the ground and his father murdered, he adopts the life of a wanderer but, as is the way of these things, his wandering days cannot last and, eventually, his life must come full circle as he faces the man responsible for his father's death.....

With Baywatch stalwart Jason Momoa in the lead role, this is a real mess of a movie. One battle scene leads to another battle scene leads to another, with nothing by way of character development in between, to make you care about the stuff that's actually taking place.
Momoa broods, holds aloft his broad sword and flares his nostrils menacingly as required but, in truth, he's not very good when called on to do anything else like, you know, speaking for instance.
There's some guff about a tyrannical ruler searching for a 'pure-blood' so that he can become a God but, frankly, the whole thing was so terribly tiresome I stopped watching the film and started listening to my mp3 player after about an hour.
Far and away the most tedious film I've seen in a while, even copious amounts of bare-breasted wenches couldn't save this one.
Didn't like the original much.
Really hated this.

1 out of 5

Piranha (2010) Dir: Alexandre Aja

French shocker Haute Tension's director Alexandre Aja helms this remake of a movie that was itself a Joe 'Gremlins' Dante directed parody in the first place.
Confused?
You might be.
Lake Victoria, every summer time, plays host to twenty thousand screaming jocks and nymphettes, all determined to enjoy their summer break by taking off most, if not all of their clothes, waving their arses around whilst covered in oil, and pouring as much alcohol down their worthless gullets as possible.
A seismic shift beneath the great lake's surface literally moves the Earth and, beneath the water, a crevasse is formed, linking the lake on the surface with one beneath the rock, that had been sealed for millions of years. Though shut off from the outside world for millenia, life still flourished, and soon finds its way into the warm upper waters and, wouldn't you know it, those voracious prehistoric piranha have a wanton taste for human flesh.
Cue much waterbound screaming and thrashing.
A simple enough premise, ripe for the modern faux B-movie workover.
But, this is a strange beast, and no mistake.
Essentially, viewing Piranha 3D is like watching two really short movies spliced together as one.
Movie 1: Run of the mill monster movie, where fish have really big teeth and eat anything that is foolish enough to swim where they lurk.
Movie 2: One of those God awful Girls Gone Wild soft porno's that gained brief notoriety - here in Blighty at least - when Larry David was determined to get his hands on one in CYE.
It's clever, though, almost post-modern.
See, we are watching a softcore movie being made by a cheap as chips porno director in the movie and, by lucky happenstance, that means we as the viewer get to watch a softcore movie ourselves, or at least snippets of it. Then the scene changes, and we're all gristle and gnashing teeth and flying cartilage. Then back again, to the porn movie. It's fucking bewildering at times, and is rooted squarely between the hateful and the genius and, even now, 24 hours after seeing the movie, I can't decide which way it swings.
As the bikini clad beauties shake their poomtang, as the muscle bound morons flex their pecs, delight in the certain knowledge that they will all meet a grisly end.
As Kelly Brook and her 'pal' cavort underwater, bare as the day they were born in a 'mermaid' scene that simply has to be seen to be believed - I laughed out loud at the preposterousness of the whole thing, whilst slowly 'Little Mosefus' made his presence felt - you'll be shaking your head in confusion.
So that's the nudity dealt with, what about the gore?
As a 3D only movie, I wasn't expecting much, but was pleased to be proved wrong as, on occasion, this is positively barbaric. Sure, there's the odd moment of CGI silliness and, yep, you get the occasional 'point something at the camera and wave it around in Real 3D' scene but, for the most part, the gruel is proper prosthetics, and the movie is all the better for it. As people are dragged onto boats midway through piranha attacks, we see their useless, flesh-stripped limbs flailing behind them. In one glorious moment of madness, a rather unfortunate woman gets her hair caught on the propellor of a powerboat and has the skin of her face ripped right off, a fine feat of special FX that had me giggling like an imbecile.
Whilst it takes a little while to get there, when the payoff comes it is well worth the wait and, as the bloodbath ensues, one couldn't help but be put in mind of the opening sequences of Saving Private Ryan, with body parts flying left and right, corpses adrift in the water, whilst those that survive must do battle with a seemingly invincible foe.
But at least this one had a plausible plotline....
Riotously good fun, the only reason I knock 1 off the rating is because, due to a genetic flaw that will affect few others, I can't see the damned 3D effects.
A modern exploitation flick that delivers the goods.

4 out of 5

The Omen (2006) Dir: John Moore

You know, I really expected to hate this.
I anticipated that, shortly after viewing, my body would erupt in blisters, searingly painful, dripping greenish yellow pus before my entire being began to shut down, tongue swelling, internal organs failing as I fell into anaphylactic shock, an allergic reaction so severe it would bring to an end my pointless, meaningless time on this unforgiving, cruel planet.
But no such luck, I'm afraid.
Instead, I found myself to be nothing but entertained.
As if you don't already know it, here's the plot: An up and coming politician, Robert Thorn, is traumatised when his wife miscarries and opts to replace the child with that of another woman who died during delivery, not telling his wife of his act. Sweep forward several years and Thorn is now American Ambassador to Great Britain.
A priest pays Thorn a visit (the always magnificent Pete Postlethwaite) and tries to convince him that his son is not what he seems, that he is in fact The Antichrist. Thorn sends him on his way but, slowly, events begin to fall into place that suggest that the priest was not a raving lunatic and that maybe, just maybe, The Fallen One is ready to walk the Earth once more.
As anyone who has read previous reviews will know, I am fairly savage when it comes to modern horror, particularly remakes of genuine classics as, for the most part, they are disastrous affairs.
Here we have something a little different, however.
A remake that takes no liberties, that stays massively faithful to the source material, not meddling, not trying to mend something that wasn't broken in the first place, instead intent only on modernising, on bringing a cracking good movie idea to a new audience.
Whilst there are arguments, and sound ones, against the need for updating as anyone with an ounce of intelligence and taste can 'cope' with a movie that is, after all, not yet thirty five years old - Christ, I've got blisters on my feet older than that - but it is an unfortunate fact that, to many, anything pre 1990 is already vintage, already old fashioned and, therefore, off the radar.
A dimwitted attitude that may be, but heh, I don't make the rules.
Whilst not perfect - Liev Schreiber is pretty bland as Thorn and the lack of the original score loses something in terms of atmosphere - this is still a respectful, well made remake of one of the most well known horror movies of the 70's.

4 out of 5

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) Dir: Samuel Bayer

Michael Bay's attempt to remake every horror movie of worth from the late seventies, early eighties continues apace with this reinvention of the dream-killer classic.
For those familiar with the original, no description of the plot is necessary, but for the four humans in the Western world who haven't seen it, here's a summary:
[spoiler]Freddy Krueger, a paedophile praying on the kids of Elm Street, is hounded out of town by their angry parents, trapped in a boiler room and burnt to death.
But that's not the end of him.
Oh no.
He returns, a maniac wielding a rather nifty blade fingered glove, to continue his child stalking, only this time in their dreams. For the Elm Streeters, there is only one way to live: Do not fall asleep.[/spoiler]
The updated version has the exact same plot. Indeed, this is a fairly faithful adaptation, with most of the major set-pieces present and correct, as well as some of the character names. Krueger himself looks great, his face a patchwork of scar tissue and gaping holes in his cheeks you can see through, and the actor does a decent enough job with the rather limited material he was given to work with.
So it must be great if it's exactly the same as the source material.
Right?
Wrong.
When producing the movie, Butcher Bay forgot one crucial element, as is his tendency: atmosphere. The 1984 movie has gallons of the stuff, dripping from the screen, whereas here everything is anaemic and feels almost sterile. It's dull, too, to the point that I started thinking about other things about half way through - why the fluff between my toes is black when I only wear pink socks, how long could I survive eating nothing but Haribo Starmix, just exactly what is the meat in crab flavoured sticks? - and only really tuned back in for the Krueger backstory and the odd moment of gristle, and the ending itself is so abrupt you actually think 'Huh? Is that it?'
Whilst not as gut-crunchingly awful as I was expecting, I wouldn't recommend anyone go see it.
Do yourself a favour: Rent / download / steal / borrow the original instead, you'll have way more fun.
3 out of 5

The Wicker Man (2006) Dir. Neil LaBute

Jesus suffering buggery, this is so mind-crushingly appalling I very nearly hurt myself.
I was watching this travesty whilst eating a plate of pasta, and had to fight the almost overpowering urge to jab the fork I was using into the delicate tissues of my eyeballs, to spare me the trauma of the movie.
Well, against the odds I managed to resist, if only to allow me to write this review as a warning to others.
Under no circumstances watch this movie. Ever.
No matter the temptation, no matter the curiosity aroused by the majesty of the source material, no matter that cynic in your head assuring you that, despite what everyone else says, it can't be that bad.
It is that bad, and so much more besides.
The most incredible part is that the bare bones of the story remain in tact, as Nicholas Cage (I'll get on to him shortly) goes to a remote island known as Summerslsle (sic) to investigate the apparent disappearance of one of the island's children, Rowan. What he discovers upon arrival is an isolated community practising Pagan rituals, and locals who are none too cooperative with his investigation.
Some scenes even survive all but intact: the arrival by water plane, the announcement in the pub, the unusual teachings in class, but there any similarities cease.
Nicholas Cage is reputed to have recommended this remake, so affected was he by the original, so it is astounding that he and the director should choose to strip all of the things that made the original such a masterpiece.
The most glaring and shameful omission is the soundtrack, with LaBute alleged to have stated that he would not want anyone who likes the original soundtrack to watch his movie, anyway.
What an insufferable arsehole.
Gone too is the British location, as well as the concept of temptation, as Cage's Edward Malus has no Christian values to defend. The whole point of the original is that Woodward's character is a devout man and, by resisting the pleasures of the flesh presented in the form of Britt Ekland, he proves himself to be truly righteous.
Such subtleties are dispensed with here.
And as for Nic Cage, this is a performance so lacklustre you genuinely question whether this could truly be a professional actor. For a man who gets paid rather handsomely for his services, his abilities seem to be draining away with every passing year.
It's been a while since a movie angered me so - you have to go back to Transformers for that - so do yourself a favour:
Avoid this like the fucking plague.