Final Destination 5 (2011) Dir: Steven Quale

I have to fight every instinct I possess not to get snotty about shit like this.

The plot:
On their way to a management 'empowerment' weekend, a group of super good looking fuckniks escape death via a suspension bridge collapse when one of their number 'perceives' the event in advance.
Then Death comes to claim the souls that escaped his evil clutches.

Look, we all know the setup here:
This is nothing to do with making movies. This is simple, efficient choreography and engineering combined.
Choreograph the steps involved in setting these wankers up for death.
Engineer suitable premises to lop off their heads / squish their skulls / rip out their guts / burn out their eyes.
It's horror by numbers that is no more complex than the colour by numbers books we all used to complete as dribbling infants and, frankly, I despise myself for having wasted 90 minutes watching the dross.
Whilst some of the death sequences were pretty imaginative, as multiple hazards were laid as red herrings before the ultimate death move, this is lowest common denominator fodder that bored the piss out of me. Literally. I visited the lavatory twice during the runtime, just for something to do.
Really this is a one 'Cult Skull' rated movie, and I've only added a skull due to the cameo of Tony 'Candyman' Todd, who is always a welcome screen presence.
Dull as the proverbial Death.

2 out of 5

Zombieland (2009) Dir: Ruben Fleischer

Horror comedy is a damn difficult thing to pull off, as the end result is either An American Werewolf in London or, gasp, An American Werewolf in Paris.

The plot: The world (or America which, for many in the movie industry, seems to count as 'The World') has been ravaged by a virus that turns anyone infected into a brainless, bloodthirsty zombie.

Sound familiar?
And yes, the initial premise is that most trodden of horror paths, to the point of utter tedium by now but, through humour, some great casting and a neat plot contrivance, Zombieland effectively sidesteps all of the expected monotony.
The humour I speak of is of the blackest kind for the most part, though it's not afraid to drop in the odd spot of slapstick, either.
The casting is pitch perfect, with Jesse Eisenberg as the dweeby survivor, Woody Harrelson the leathery, gun-toting, Twinky-loving stranger he befriends, and an audacious cameo that I will not reveal to avoid spoiling the moment for those still in the dark.
Lastly, that neat plot contrivance is a spin on The Rules of Horror from Scream, this time being The Rules to survive a zombie outbreak, which Eisenberg's character Columbus rigidly follows.
Bloodthirsty, action packed, wickedly funny at times, this is a step above any of the movies that label themselves comedies, usually starring those twat-botherers Seth Rogen or Will Farrell.
A must see for comedy and horror fans alike, and there's a sequel due in a couple of years too.
Great fun.

4 out of 5

1408 (2007) Dir: Mikael Håfström

Based on a short story from Stephen King, initially released only in audiobook form, annoyingly, this starts out rather promisingly.
The plot:
The always interesting John Cusack plays Michael Enslin, a writer of paranormal tales rooted in genuine research. His style is based on visiting famous haunted locations, and reporting on how and why they are actually not haunted.
Coming from a sceptical point of view, Enslin feels that he is invulnerable to the paranormal until, one day, he checks into room 1408 of the Dolphin Hotel in New York and, before even an hour is through, he is stark raving mad, seeing phantoms of his deceased daughter and, most traumatically of all, hearing The Carpenter's on a permanent loop.
How ghastly.
Swedish director Mikael Håfström crafts an interesting tale, though one that does veer towards the ridiculous towards the end.
After an initial promising build up, and some moments of genuine fright, we drift into the surreal and, much like this year's Insidious, it quickly loses any sense of menace, instead leaving you goggling at the screen at the preposterousness of what's happening.
Still, Cusack is always an engaging on screen presence, and the tale does just about have the momentum to carry through to the end, but this is no classic.
Average fright fodder.

3 out of 5

The Breed (2006) Dir: Nicholas Mastandrea

We all love dogs, right?
The plot:
A gaggle of sickeningly attractive 'teenagers' head to a remote island, where two of their number grew up, to have a party weekend.
Should be fun.
That is, unless a pack of slavering dogs begin to attack, hellbent on feasting on their flesh.......
It's pretty derivative stuff, the old 'horde of unnaturally malevolent creatures attack in numbers,' the obvious trick here being it's dogs rather than, say, zombies or vampires or werewolves or phantoms or slugs or rats or.....
Know what I mean?
The cast are pretty loathsome, with the notable exception of Michelle Rodriguez, who does her best with the heap of shit she's given to work with, both in terms of script and co-stars.
All that being said, I didn't hate this, with the dog attack scenes being effectively handled and, given that we take these things in as pets, it is quite disturbing to see them tearing corpses apart like the scavengers that they truly are. One gloriously disturbing image involves a white coated canine removing it's large head from the abdomen of a fallen member of the pack, it's beautiful white coat stained pure crimson. Quite a striking visual.
Nothing remarkable to see here, but worth a watch just for the killer dogs.

3 out of 5

Phantoms (1998) Dir: Joe Chappelle

Based on Dean Koontz's cracking 1983 novel, this is lent a certain level of credibility given that the author himself wrote the screenplay. 
The Plot: Two sisters, Lisa and Jenny Pailey, head to Snowfield, a small town in Colorado, population roughly 500, to escape the trials and stresses of family life. 
As they drive into town, the place seems alarmingly quiet, even for such an isolated community.  Entering a building, they discover a corpse, but worse is to follow as the two women discover a series of grisly finds; severed hands, arm, legs and feet, as well as more bodies, the people apparently falling where they stood, with no sign of a struggle. 
What could possibly kill an entire population so swiftly that no-one has time to react? 
And what link Timothy Flyte, editor and some time lecturer in matters mysterious and unexplainable?
For those familiar with the flatworm theory, the answer may be self evident. 
For others, you’ll have to watch to find the answers.
Whilst many horror book to movie conversions are pretty unsuccessful, as Mr. King has found out to his cost on more than one occasion, this is not the case here. 
Koontz's book is a master class in tension and intrigue, and the movie is certainly heading in the same direction.  With some decent scripting, and above average 'names' in terms of the actors featured (Ben Affleck, Peter O'Toole, Rose McGowan, Liev Schreiber) this was clearly meant to be Koontz's big break into mainstream cinema.  That it didn't turn out that way had more to do with marketing than the poor quality of the movie itself. 
An old fashioned horror movie in many ways, this showcases credible character interplay, a nice line in vicious, face-eating beasties and is infused with a sense of the macabre almost from the opening shot, so should satisfy most horror devotees out there. 
Even the presence of the usually vapid Affleck and the perma-bland Liev Schrieber can't keep this one down. 
Proper horror, done the old school way, I enjoyed this very much indeed.

4 out of 5