The Devils (1971) Dir: Ken Russell

Ken Russell's censor baiting tale of fornicating nuns and demonic possession is a challenging affair.

The plot:
It's 17th century France, and a powerful Cardinal seeks to take ultimate control of his dominion. All have fallen before his sword save for one enclave, governed over by a decidedly dubious Priest, who refuses to bow to orders. Demanding a proclamation before he will yield authority, a ruse is plotted to topple his authority: accuse the priest of demonic possession, and all who follow him.

Ken Russell is a filmmaker who, intentionally or otherwise, courts controversy. Whether it's challenging relationship and gender boundaries in Women in Love or baffling audiences with his interpretation of Lair of the White Worm, his is a style that is most definitely unique.
The term auteur seems to have been coined for him alone.
With images designed to shock, especially when the nuns cast off their chaste and innocent shackles and set about masturbating and fornicating with some gusto, this is a movie with one clear intent: to challenge the viewer at every turn.
And it's a tough watch.
I'm not one easily offended and, truthfully, at no point was I shocked by this, but I was fatigued by the experience. As the movie progresses, so Russell cranks up the intensity to levels that Oliver Stone circa Natural Born Killers could only ever dream of.
An important movie, and one that has only recently been reinstated to it's original form and, to the best of my knowledge, one that remains banned in the UK in it's uncut state.
A film that every movie lover should see, though I suspect only a select few will find much to enjoy.

4 out of 5

Barbarella (1968) Dir: Roger Vadim

Based on a cult French comic strip, this is the ultimate in high camp silliness.

The plot:
Jane Fonda plays Barbarella, Captain of a pink, plushly carpeted spacecraft, tasked with hunting down renegade Durand Durand.
On her way, she will encounter a lesbian queen, pot smoking aliens and Durand Durand himself, capable of driving a victim to death by the power of sexual pleasure alone.

And it's all a load of old nonsense, though not without it's charm.
The special effects are great; completely over the top, all garish colours and elaborate design.
Jane Fonda, in the lead role, does an impressively comical job of delivering some of the worst dialogue in movie history, and doesn't really try too hard to keep a straight face.
With an offbeat, sexy quirkiness that has ensured its status as a camp cult classic, this is certainly an acquired taste but, if the likes of Flash Gordon or the Adam West Batman series bring a smile to your face, you could do a lot worse than check out this kitsch oddity.
Enjoyed it rather more than perhaps I should have done, and not just because of Jane's deliciously pert breasts.

4 out of 5

The Deadly Spawn (1983) Dir: Douglas McKeown

Set your gore radar to high alert, and settle in for a genuine feast for the senses.
The plot:
In rural America, a meteor crashes to Earth. Two young folk out camping go to investigate, and are promptly eaten alive by flesh eating beasties. Cut to a nearby town, and we meet a group of friends. We have lots of establishing scenes were we get to know them and, you know, in some ways, get to like them. All except the pompous prick in the glasses who keeps spouting on about science.
Heh, shut it, speccie, no-one's interested.
Now, little do this gang of pals know that, lurking in the basement are the creatures that crawled from the meteor....and they're breeding!
Real low budget fare, this, and riotously good fun too.
Though the pace is punishingly slow at times, primarily due to the fact that there really isn't enough story here to justify even the 78 minute run time, this matters not one jot as, interspersed amongst the drawn out scenes are reasonably lengthy spurts - and I do mean spurts - of out and out gore.
Little gribbly aliens bore into people's body cavities, others emerge from poor unfortunates midriffs midway through chewing on their intestines and, in one spectacular moment of nastiness, two worm like entities burrow out from inside someones skull, using his eye sockets as a handy exit.
The monster design is magnificent, an over the top vision of all of hell's demons, the creatures effectively a gaping jaw atop a squirming, slime-oozing torso, maws opening to reveal row upon row of Great White style teeth.
The pace will put some off, which is a shame, but for those that can endure and wait for the gore, you're in for a good time.

4 out of 5

Slugs (1988) Dir: Juan Piquer Simón

Based on Shaun Hutson's infamous schlock novel, this really should be far more dreadful than it actually is.
The plot:
Having transposed the action from the UK in the novel to the US on screen, we follow a sanitation inspectors bid to convince the local authorities that a series of grisly deaths in his sleepy rural town are the work of a new breed of flesh-eating, mutant slugs.
Inevitably, his warnings fall on deaf ears.....right up to the moment bodies start appearing and a man's head explodes in a restaurant as slugs eat their way from the inside out.....
Low budget this most certainly is, having the feel, acting wise, of one of those German porno movies where you know at any moment the woman is going to be shitting in someone's mouth but, let's be honest, you don't watch a movie called Slugs for the quality of the acting.
Though the moments of gore are fairly limited, presumably for financial reasons, they are nevertheless reasonably effective. The aforementioned head chewing scene is well worth a look, and there are several other highlights of slugs chewing their way through eyeballs, cheeks and the like. We also get plentifuol shots of the slimy little buggers writhing around over each other in a particularly suggestive manner, which could be seen as a deviantly delightful treat by some.
Not by me, mind.
Not by me.
Z grade horror this most certainly is, but worst movie ever made - as several reviews I have read claim - I think not.
Decent.

3 out of 5

Cronos (1993) Dir: Guillermo del Toro

Guillermo del Toro's breakthrough movie is a strange, quietly disturbing affair. The plot: Almost 500 hundred years ago, an alchemist devised a small piece of machinery that promised the gift of eternal life.
In present times (well, 1997) the Cronos device unwittingly falls into the hands of an ageing antiques dealer, Mr. Gris. Playing a board game with his young grand-daughter, suddenly the table is over-run with cockroaches, the source of which a winged, angelic statue Breaking the statue open, Mr. Gris discovers the device, a beautiful and ornate creation, scarab-like in shape and, clutching it in his hand, suddenly the thing sprouts legs, the legs snapping into place against his hand, piercing the flesh. Slowly, a thin, nozzle-like protuberance extends from the head end of the device, this too piercing his flesh. Meanwhile, another seeks the device, a man who will stop at nothing to get his hands on it, for he too seeks the promise of eternal life and, with Ron Perlman acting as his muscle, there's every chance he'll get it, too.
Massively inventive, this shrieks cult classic with almost every frame.
It's sinister, too, the lighting of each scene evocative and disturbing, lending the viewer the need to peer into the shadows that drape the corners of the screen throughout, just in case something truly horrible lurks there.
Imaginative and visually impressive, this is a fine movie indeed.

4 out of 5

Westworld (1973) Dir: Michael Crichton

With some films, the concept is far better than the execution and, to a certain extent, this is true of Westworld.
The plot: In the future, a theme park named Delos is divided into three distinct areas; Roman World, Medieval World and Western World - think The Crystal Maze but without the maniacal bald man.....oh....hang on a second.... - each area populated by incredibly life-like robots put in place to create the most realistic, most immersive experience for the well-heeled visitors to the park.
In Medieval World, you can practice your sword fighting, get down to some sexy time with a buxom wench or perhaps indulge in a spot of jousting, all in the certain knowledge that "Nothing can go wrong." Similarly, in Roman World, you can indulge your every debauched desire and in Western World, you can play the part of a bandit, a cowboy, a sheriff.
As the scientists that control the park watch on, every aspect of the robots' behaviour is monitored to ensure the participant's safety until, one day, inevitably, things go horribly wrong, leaving our two main characters trapped in Western World, alone, and stalked by a terrifying gunslinging robot that just happens to look exactly like Yul Brynner.
Yikes!!!
Sounds great, right?
And it is, mainly, once the nightmare scenario kicks in.
The flaws come near the start of the movie, as writer / director Michael 'Jurassic Park' Crichton (he seems to like 'When Theme Parks Attack' concepts) delves perilously close to 'wacky' for the comfort of most sentient beings.
Zany antics aside, once the nastiness kicks in, this is a gripping, massively inventive, genre defying sci-fi yarn that is as tense and gripping as they come.
And any man who claims to watch Brynner without feeling a slight stirring of envy - and perhaps a little more than that - has more fortitude of character than I.
A cult classic, and it's clear to see why, this is well worth sticking with past the vaguely annoying opening thirty minutes or so.
Good stuff.

4 out of 5

Deadgirl (2008) Dir: Marcel Sarmiento, Gadi Harel

You know something?
I am sick and tired of zombie movies.
As much as it pains me to confess such, the thought of sitting through another substandard living dead offering, from whatever the source, is now becoming almost obsessional.
For many long years, anyone who asked me the question: "What is your favourite type of movie?" would receive a short, curt bark of the word "zombie." as I scornfully walked away from them, shamed like the dogs that they were.
But no more.
That is, not until Deadgirl.
The plot: Two hormonal twenty five year olds pretending to be 10 years younger go for a walk around an abandoned mental asylum, as you do, and discover a naked woman; beautiful, vulnerable, very, very dead and yet, she still moves. One of the pair is keen upon alerting the authorities, but the other has more devious plans that involve, yes, you guessed it, sticking his pinky piper into the dead girl's crevices until he's really, really pleased with himself.
So begins a battle of wills that can only end with plenty of bloodshed, more than a little naked flesh and a director tainting you at every turn: "That's right, keep looking at her titties. You know she's dead, right? Keep looking, 'cos it's stirring things down below but, remember...she's dead. Yeah, that pussy shot there, the pretty girl with the muff on show, that's doing things, right? But, you do know she's dead...."
A big fan of movies that play with the viewer's morality, this ticks all the right boxes.
For something this low budget, the performances are surprisingly good all round, and there's a nice line in gritty atmospherics.
The director clearly knows the budgetary constraints, and chooses to relinquish spunking most of the dollars on lashings of gore, instead pouring heavy with the tension, to great effect.
Whilst the subject matter will render this film a no-go area for many, those with a strong enough stomach could do much, much worse.
Long live the zombie movie.
Long live the Deadgirl.

4 out of 5

Audition (1999 aka Ôdishon) Dir: Takashi Miike

If there is a better J-Horror movie out there, I am yet to see it.
The plot: When a lonely widower decides it is time to find a new wife, a film maker friend offers to help. Reluctant to begin with, slowly he comes around to the idea and an audition is arranged of thirty potential wives, for a movie that will never be made, though the ladies are unaware of this. Flicking through the photographs of the women, the man is captivated when he sees the picture of Asami. Young, attractive, just his type, he is equally impressed by her audition and invites her out for dinner.
Shy, demure, subservient, she is just what he is after.
But Asami has a dark secret; a penchant for slicing up would be suitors, as punishment for the crimes of an abusive uncle when she was just a girl. Stunning,stunning stuff, this is seat of the pants scary when it kicks in.
The set up is magnificent, as the first two thirds of the movie is all about the characters, drawing you in, tantalising you, making you, you know....care.
Takashi Miike is swiftly becoming a firm favourite director at Smell the Cult, and here he offers up an intelligent, shocking, thoughtful, deeply grisly horror yarn that the aspiring torture porn directors would do well to set as a benchmark.
One of the finest horror movies of all time, this is a must see.

5 out of 5

Critters 4 (1992) Dir: Rupert Harvey

Rupert Harvey, erstwhile producer of The Blob, Elm Street 5 and, no surprises, the original Critters movie, here takes up directing duties, delivering a neat, though somewhat schizophrenic monster movie.
The plot: Charlie, have-a-go hero from the first three Critters flicks is on the verge of destroying the final two Crite eggs when a hologram of Bounty Hunter Ug materialises and advises him to leave well alone, else face prosecution for what would effectively be genocide; the knowing extermination of an entire race.
Instead, Ug sends Charlie a transporter, which he uses, but is inadvertently sucked in, leaving him stranded in statis for five decades. When he awakens aboard a salvage vessel, he tries to warn the crew, but the silly bastards won't listen and it is a matter of grim inevitability that they will be picked off one by one by the flesh hungry Critters.
Playing it admirably straight for the most part, this fourth outing for the mouth and fur beasties is entreatingly daft, with low production values and a shaky script, though elevated somewhat by the talent, Brad Dourif in particular; a firm favourite at Smell the Cult HQ.
Not quite a horror, not really playing up the sci-fi, with a notable lack of any genuine bloodshed or nastiness, I suspect this is one example of a budget getting in the way of a director's vision.
Entertaining enough, though.

4 out of 5

The Wizard of Gore (1970) Dir: Herschell Gordon Lewis

Herschell Gordon Lewis' lurid and eccentric splatter-fest is a riot of colour and ghastliness and, whilst not perfect, it is a damn fun ride for its duration.
Meet Montag the Magnificent, illusionist extraordinaire, a man with a live performance that will boggle the mind. Every night, before an enraptured crowd, he selects a female volunteer from the audience and performs a cruel and sadistic mutilation of her body, be it swords rammed down the throat, heavy machinery used to carve open her midriff, or a chainsaw to the abdomen to saw her completely in half. The audience watch on, horrified, as Montag plays with the guts and the gristle, brandishing it in their direction so there can be no doubt that the deed has been done before, sensationally, the woman is returned to normal and retakes her seat.
Sadly for the victim, however, there is not long left to live as, hours after each performance, the same women are found mutilated in the exact way enacted on stage.
Is Montag the murderer?
It is all an illusion?
Is any of it happening at all?
As trippy as they come, this is quintessential exploitation cinema, with lashings of gore.
For the most part, what takes place makes very little sense, even within individual scenes as, one minute, Montag is covered in blood and laughing dementedly at a shrieking audience, the next the audience are sitting quietly as if nothing untoward is occurring.
One minute, two women are on stage with swords sticking out of their mouths, the next, all on stage is calm.
This deliberately bewildering style simply serves to add to the feel, challenging the audience constantly:
Is this real?
Is THIS real?
What about this?
Christ, if you think Inception is a headfuck, check this bad boy out, it will send your mind reeling.
With one of the most demented denouements I have ever seen, this just shrieks 'cult classic' with every frame, and is one that every 'genre' fan should most definitely check out.
Thoroughly enjoyable stuff.

4 out of 5

Retro Puppet Master (1999) Dir: David DeCoteau

Seventh in the Puppet Master franchise, this is a prequel and is perhaps the most unusual, featuring something of a romantic feel throughout, as well as a noticeable lack of nastiness on the part of the tiny ones.
The plot: Set during the Nazi occupation of Europe, Puppet Master extraordinaire Andre Toulon is holed up in a Swiss hotel, and recounts to his beloved puppets the tale of a woman he loved greatly, as well as how he was taught the secret to animate his listeners by a mysterious Egyptian sorcerer, Afzel, himself on the run from wrathful Egyptian God Sutekh, furious that Afzel has stolen the gift of life.
As you can imagine, it's pretty fanciful stuff, but it is not without its charm.
Greg Sestero is a likeable enough young version of Andre Toulon and Jack Donner makes for a plausible sorcerer, if that statement isn't an oxymoron!
It drags its heels, however, and the lack of out and out viciousness is a tad disappointing.
Still, I've got a bit of a soft spot for all things Full Moon (the Production Company) and, even though it's clear Charles Band (creator of the franchise, and the man behind the overall story arc) has only ever had one idea, it's a decent enough one, that usually keeps me watching.
A Puppet Master movie you can watch with Grandma?
You bet her withered ass.

3 out of 5

The Gate (1987) Dir: Tibor Takács

Something of a cult classic, this one, and a firm favourite in the Smell the Cult household.
The plot: Two young lads accidentally open up a portal to the underworld and awaken centuries old demons by reciting the words from a heavy metal album. The daft sods.
That's your lot in terms of story, but this is bloody entertaining stuff.
The special effects, whilst a little clunky, are great to watch, the little critters that pour from the portal looking like a cross between the Ghoulies from, erm, Ghoulies and Lotney 'Sloth' Fratelli from The Goonies, animated via the stop-motion technique, the overlay process not particularly good so it is clear as day that they are not actually there in the house, the young actors having to scream and wail and holler to an empty room.
They probably felt a bit silly.
They probably felt a bit silly and just did it for the money, anyway, not for the love, not for the craft, the grasping little pricks.
With a decent, 80's synth soundtrack, a fake 80's thrash track from an album called The Dark Book, and more fashion faux pas' than you can shake a pair of fluorescent leggings at, this is campy, retro, feel good horror. No-one actually gets hurt, no-one is ever likely to die and, even when the odd bit of badness does occur, you know that it will all be set right by the end of the movie.
With only one real moment of gruel, when our hero Glen sticks his hand through his fake father's face, and said face begins to peel off, this is certainly not one that will have you leaving the lights on at night.
Nevertheless, it's a fun ride, and far superior to most modern horror.

4 out of 5

Awaken, a new world.

Sick and tired of those insipid Guardianistas telling you which movies you should and should not watch?
Me too.
Self styled social malcontent and utter hater of his fellow man Mosefus will guide you in all things cinematic, just so long as there's no period drama or 'worthiness' involved.
Let the blood splatter and the violence be palpable.
Welcome to the new world.
Andrew Collins is Dead.
Long live Andrew Collins Is Dead.