Saw V (2008) Dir: David Hackl

Flashbacks.
Traps.
Jigsaw wreaking havoc from beyond the grave.
A new Jigsaw in town.
Spinning blades.
Flying entrails.
More plot contrivances than you can shake a thumbscrew at.
Getting quite tiresome, now.
Can't take much more of this.
Rapidly running out of steam.
Laboured.
Franchise in free fall.
If you listen carefully, you can just hear the sound of the scriptwriters desperately trying to tie together all the loose threads.
Failing.
Give up trying.
Plot groans under the sheer weight of it's own implausibility.
Where does he get the money from?
And the time?
Only 1 more to go and they've all been seen.
Oh the sweet mercy.
Enough now.
Enough.
Please, someone, make the bleeding stop.

2 out of 5

Saw III (2006) Dir: Darren Lynn Bousman

There is an argument to suggest that this should have been the last of the Saw movies but, inevitably, when a franchise is making such a killing at the box office, for relatively little outlay ($10 million is the figure quoted on IMDB) then the studio responsible will be keen to continue to maximise their profits.
Not than I'm cynical about the Saw franchise, mind.
Not a bit of it.
But, enough of the griping, let's talk about the movie, because it is very enjoyable fare, indeed.
Jigsaw is close to death, Amanda struggling to keep his bodily functions active, so they devise a plan. Get in a doctor to keep him alive, but booby trap her so that, should his heart stop, the collar strapped to her body will detonate, killing her instantly. See, Jigsaw wants to see out his last game, the subject playing the game known only as Jeff, a man whose son was killed several years ago by a reckless driver. Riddled with anguish and haunted by thoughts of vengeance, Jigsaw intends to give him the opportunity to either exact his vengeance, or to reach inside himself and learn about forgiveness.
Inevitably, as Jigsaw's dastardly scheme is revealed it is far more complex than at first it appears.
Keeping up the level of inventiveness of the first two, this one actually ups the ante in terms of sickness - the liquified pig drowning section is quite simply the most nauseating thing I have ever seen - as well as ensuring that the viewer is pretty clueless as to the endgame until the closing couple of minutes.
Saw is a franchise that divides opinion, where debates rage about the morality of such films, lazy labelling with the term 'torture porn' and accusations that they are derivative drivel and, frankly, there is some justification for all of those things but, call me ignortant if you must, I bloody love them.
Part 7 is due out imminently, apparently The Final Chapter.
We'll see.

4 out of 5

Interview with the Vampire (1994) Dir: Neil Jordan

You know, I saw this movie at the cinema when it first came out and hated it with a passion. At the time, I was something of a bloodfiend, with only the goriest or most shockingly violent movies even raising a glimmer of interest. As time passes, however, we temper our views and mellow, becoming more moderate in our disposition and more capable of being entertained by such things as atmosphere and script.
So how would I view this movie, some sixteen years later?
Well, you know what, you could blow me down with a blast of thermox, I really bloody enjoyed it.
Whilst the setup itself is somewhat annoying - the whole 'interview thang' with Slistian Chrater and Pad Britt - the movie itself is never less than engaging, with a well polished script and impressive stylings.
Visually, this is sumptuous and warm, drawing you into the on screen interplay between the characters, whilst the plot itself is a broiling fondue of bloodletting and romance, all held together by solid performances from three impressive leading men.
That's what I was thinking.
Then I looked down at myself and realised I had a cock swinging between my legs and spotted an absolute absence of heaving bosom.
Honestly, folks, this is mind-crushing pap aimed squarely at two sections of society: hormonal tweenage girls and hormonal, perhaps menopausal middle aged women who dream of squeezing Pad Britt's fully engorged length into their cock starved pussies.
And there's nothing wrong with that, in all honesty, just don't dress it up as horror.
Don't introduce it as horror on the reruns on ITV4.
Don't even mention the word horror when describing it.
It ain't horror.
It's pretty boys in period costumes and wigs, which is all well and good but, seriously, if you are a horror fan and think that this is even remotely tolerable, you need to get down HMV tomorrow and buy the entire back catalogue of Shirley Bassey post haste.
I have a funny feeling you'd like that as well.....