Conan the Barbarian (2011) Dir: Marcus Nispel

Remake of the cult sword and sorcery favourite.

The plot:
Conan is a man born of battle, whose mother gave birth on the field of war. Conan belongs to the tribe known as the Cimmerian, residing in the land of Hyboria. When, as an adolescent, Conan witnesses his village being razed to the ground and his father murdered, he adopts the life of a wanderer but, as is the way of these things, his wandering days cannot last and, eventually, his life must come full circle as he faces the man responsible for his father's death.....

With Baywatch stalwart Jason Momoa in the lead role, this is a real mess of a movie. One battle scene leads to another battle scene leads to another, with nothing by way of character development in between, to make you care about the stuff that's actually taking place.
Momoa broods, holds aloft his broad sword and flares his nostrils menacingly as required but, in truth, he's not very good when called on to do anything else like, you know, speaking for instance.
There's some guff about a tyrannical ruler searching for a 'pure-blood' so that he can become a God but, frankly, the whole thing was so terribly tiresome I stopped watching the film and started listening to my mp3 player after about an hour.
Far and away the most tedious film I've seen in a while, even copious amounts of bare-breasted wenches couldn't save this one.
Didn't like the original much.
Really hated this.

1 out of 5

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011) Dir: David Yates

The conclusion of the Harry Potter saga is a dark, intense, action packed affair.
The plot:
With Ron, Harry and Hermione in search of the missing Horcruxes, Voldemort's plans to destroy Hogwarts, Harry and all who refused to follow gathers momentum.
Can Harry and chums destroy the Horcruxes in time?
Is Ron given so few lines because he can't actually fucking act?
And is it just me, or does Helena Bonham Carter look increasingly like a slightly more demented Anne Robinson?
With seven movies preceding it, it's clear that any attempt at plot catch-up is redundant, so this just plunges straight into the action.
With some nice character interplay, some extraordinarily spectacular battle sequences that remind one a little of the epic scenes in Lord of the Rings, this is both cinematic and dramatic.
With my only previous Potter movie point of reference being the very first outing, which was shockingly awful, this was a genuine surprise. Gone are the kid-friendly antics and childish tone, in their place high drama and genuine scale.
Whilst I don't think this is a movie that would tolerate many repeat viewings, still there was enough density of plot to suggest at least one more watch could reveal extra detail.
Throw in the fact that the cream of British acting talent are all present, correct and clearly loving every bally minute of it and what you have is a proper cinema experience.
As ever, I watched it in 2D as 3D holds no interest, and I can see little of value that could be added here.
A fine conclusion to the series, and one that has tempted me to possibly go back and watch the earlier movies, though I think I'll start at number 3, where the darkness apparently kicks in.
Good stuff.

4 out of 5

Clash of the Titans (2010) Dir: Louis Leterrier

Remaking a claymation, stop-motion classic probably seemed like a good idea at the time.
Perseus, son of Zeus, a demigod, born of woman from the seed of a God, witnesses the Gods wrath as his human family is killed by Hades himself. Swearing vengeance on Hades, Perseus joins forces with a legion of soldiers to journey to see three witches, for only they know how to defeat The Kraken, a mighty beast set to be released ten days hence, upon the moment of the eclipse of the sun.
Only one thing will satisfy the Gods, angered by mankind turning their backs on them: the blood of Andromeda as a sacrifice, penance for her mother daring to compare her daughters beauty to that of the Gods themselves.
So far, so plausible.
Along the way, Perseus and his legion encounter giant scorpions, Djinn, flying horses (The Pegasus, it seems, is the name of the species, not the name of just one of the beasts as I had believed) as well as having to head down to The Underworld to tackle that most famous of Gorgon's, Zola...sorry, Medusa.
Bad joke, I know. What's that? What was that? Fuck you, too.
So, essentially a revenge movie with big nasty beasties thrown in.
Sam Worthington is pretty monosyllabic as the hunk of beef leading man, nor do any of the other characters fare any better, the script being lumpen at best.
But you didn't go into Clash of the Titans for the script, now did you?
Did you?
You buffoon.
No, of course you didn't, for this is all about the effects and they are more than serviceable though, even here, there are flaws, with the camera work feeling clumsy and awkward at times so that, occasionally, you don't have the slightest clue what is actually happening. This is especially true of the scorpion fight scene where you have no idea as to the geography of the battle, nor how many of the giant critters they are fighting.
Truthfully, I need to rewatch the original movie as I haven't seen it since I were a bairn but, if memory serves, it was certainly superior to this decidedly average effort.
Disappointing.
Oh, incidentally, I watched the 2D version as I have heard from multiple sources that the retro-fitted 3D is atrocious, not that I can see it anyway with me wonky eyes....