Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009) Dir: Jack Perez

There are some movie titles that just scream out at me '"Watch this!" despite the fact that I know, with absolute certainty, they will be awful.
There are certain movie conventions and genre's that just demand my attention and, for my shame, giant killer sharks is most certainly one of them. The context almost doesn't matter All I need to know about a film is that it will feature at least one enormous, mutant shark, though more is better, as with the very entertaining Shark Swarm, the movie with possibly my favourite DVD cover:




as well as a great tagline: Fear travels in packs.
So, with Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus the promise is that we will have not one, but two aquatic behemoths, presumably engaged in battle, Godzilla Vs. Mothra styleeeee.....
The plot: As a glacier suddenly recedes due to global warming, the titular monsters are released from their icy prison, where they have been encased since prehistoric times:
Megalodon, a hitherto extinct species of super shark that, according to the fiction of the movie, can leap as high as the clouds and ensnare a jumbo jet coming into land.
Giant Octopus, an eight tentacled brute that seems to attack anything that moves, but has a particular dislike for Megalodon's.
A team of scientists led by 80's pop starlet Debbie 'Electric Youth' Gibson (!) devise a plan to bring the beasts back together, in an ocean trench, where they will fight to their watery death.
Being an Asylum movie, several things are guaranteed:
The narrative will struggle to fill the running time, resulting in many torturously lengthy scenes that lead nowhere.
The special effects will be diabolical and repetitive.
The acting will be on a par with most 70's porn.
All of the above are present and correct.
But something is missing here. Some indefinable ingredient that elevates it above the insipid into kitsch, campy goodness.
As bizarre as it may seem with such a title, the movie is just not OTT enough. Despite the plane attack, despite the shark hanging off the fucking Golden Gate Bridge, despite the ambition far above what the budget could ever stretch to.
In fact, this movie committed the cardinal sin for a a B movie: It bored me.
Pretty disappointed with this one.

2 out of 5

Boogeyman (2005) Dir: Stephen T. Kay

Sometimes modern horror really pisses me off.
Here's how it works:
Steal the shell of an idea from J-horror, particularly in terms of the jaggedy-spiky-twitchy effects cast in a green-grey hue at the moments that are supposed to be blood chilling, you know, to really lay it on thick so that the audience has absolutely no doubt that 'Vis is v momint yume ment to be scayrd.'
Make one or two preposterous assumptions.
Assumption 1: No-one in the audience has ever seen a horror movie before.
Assumption 2: It's OK to replace genuine dynamics and dread with 'jump' moments facilitated by a sudden screeching blast, sharp and jarring, thus waking the viewers up from the near vegetative state they find themselves in after struggling through the cinematic equivalent of diarrhoea you are smearing all over the screen.
Added to the assumptions comes the ridiculous notion that your main 'menace' can come in the form of a CGI only monster that has about as much of a chill factor as the crack of my buttocks after a lengthy run around the park.
Learn, you fucking morons, learn. If even the mighty David Fincher struggles to make a CGI beastie frightening in his Alien attempt, how are you talentless droons going to stand any chance of making it work.
Oh yeah, and to ensure you know that he is frightening, every time the eponymous Boogeyman (Boogie Man would have been more terrifying, a demon from the fifth layer of hell that quite literally funks his victims into raw, bloody submission) the beast screeches as loudly as the dim witted studio execs permit by law for fear of litigation, joining in with the 'musical' cacophony so that your ears are rendered obsolete, fingers stuffed into your lugholes to block out the din, a sound so ferocious its vibrations on your very tongue mean you can actually taste the decibels.
Jesus covered in foam, I HATED this.

1 out of 5