Final Destination 5 (2011) Dir: Steven Quale

I have to fight every instinct I possess not to get snotty about shit like this.

The plot:
On their way to a management 'empowerment' weekend, a group of super good looking fuckniks escape death via a suspension bridge collapse when one of their number 'perceives' the event in advance.
Then Death comes to claim the souls that escaped his evil clutches.

Look, we all know the setup here:
This is nothing to do with making movies. This is simple, efficient choreography and engineering combined.
Choreograph the steps involved in setting these wankers up for death.
Engineer suitable premises to lop off their heads / squish their skulls / rip out their guts / burn out their eyes.
It's horror by numbers that is no more complex than the colour by numbers books we all used to complete as dribbling infants and, frankly, I despise myself for having wasted 90 minutes watching the dross.
Whilst some of the death sequences were pretty imaginative, as multiple hazards were laid as red herrings before the ultimate death move, this is lowest common denominator fodder that bored the piss out of me. Literally. I visited the lavatory twice during the runtime, just for something to do.
Really this is a one 'Cult Skull' rated movie, and I've only added a skull due to the cameo of Tony 'Candyman' Todd, who is always a welcome screen presence.
Dull as the proverbial Death.

2 out of 5

Saw V (2008) Dir: David Hackl

Flashbacks.
Traps.
Jigsaw wreaking havoc from beyond the grave.
A new Jigsaw in town.
Spinning blades.
Flying entrails.
More plot contrivances than you can shake a thumbscrew at.
Getting quite tiresome, now.
Can't take much more of this.
Rapidly running out of steam.
Laboured.
Franchise in free fall.
If you listen carefully, you can just hear the sound of the scriptwriters desperately trying to tie together all the loose threads.
Failing.
Give up trying.
Plot groans under the sheer weight of it's own implausibility.
Where does he get the money from?
And the time?
Only 1 more to go and they've all been seen.
Oh the sweet mercy.
Enough now.
Enough.
Please, someone, make the bleeding stop.

2 out of 5

Saw III (2006) Dir: Darren Lynn Bousman

There is an argument to suggest that this should have been the last of the Saw movies but, inevitably, when a franchise is making such a killing at the box office, for relatively little outlay ($10 million is the figure quoted on IMDB) then the studio responsible will be keen to continue to maximise their profits.
Not than I'm cynical about the Saw franchise, mind.
Not a bit of it.
But, enough of the griping, let's talk about the movie, because it is very enjoyable fare, indeed.
Jigsaw is close to death, Amanda struggling to keep his bodily functions active, so they devise a plan. Get in a doctor to keep him alive, but booby trap her so that, should his heart stop, the collar strapped to her body will detonate, killing her instantly. See, Jigsaw wants to see out his last game, the subject playing the game known only as Jeff, a man whose son was killed several years ago by a reckless driver. Riddled with anguish and haunted by thoughts of vengeance, Jigsaw intends to give him the opportunity to either exact his vengeance, or to reach inside himself and learn about forgiveness.
Inevitably, as Jigsaw's dastardly scheme is revealed it is far more complex than at first it appears.
Keeping up the level of inventiveness of the first two, this one actually ups the ante in terms of sickness - the liquified pig drowning section is quite simply the most nauseating thing I have ever seen - as well as ensuring that the viewer is pretty clueless as to the endgame until the closing couple of minutes.
Saw is a franchise that divides opinion, where debates rage about the morality of such films, lazy labelling with the term 'torture porn' and accusations that they are derivative drivel and, frankly, there is some justification for all of those things but, call me ignortant if you must, I bloody love them.
Part 7 is due out imminently, apparently The Final Chapter.
We'll see.

4 out of 5