Terminator Salvation (2009) Dir: McG

Please, Almighty God, up there in Heaven, Merciful Be Thy name.
Those were the thoughts that occurred when first news broke of Terminator Mk IV.
Then it emerged that Christian Bale would be the lead and I thawed somewhat, nay, even looked forward to it.

The plot:
In 2003 a death row inmate, Marcus Wright (Sam 'Avatar, Clash of the Tight 'Uns' Worthington) signs his still breathing carcass over for medical research.
In 2018, 14 years after the initial Skynet strike which eliminated most of humanity, pockets of resistance still survive, led by Our Hero, Christian 'Director of Photography baiting' Bale as John Connor.
After fighting off a few metallic bad guys, Connor discovers that Skynet has a new tactic: the ability to mould life-like, fake flesh over the metallic skeletons of the Terminator's.
Apparently harvesting humans, Skynet is determined to wipe out the blight of humanity once and for all, including Kyle Reese, the man who would go on to become Michael Biehn in the original movie.
Then they take Marcus Wright prisoner.
Then, with the aid of a female insider, he escapes.
Then he turns against his own kind.
Then he seems to save the day.
Then Kyle Reese is in jeopardy again.
Then.......

Confused?
I know I was.
Let's be clear about a couple of things right away:
The plot is a shambles.
It's incoherent, lacking structure or a seeming 'purpose' within its own internal logic and frankly baffles at times.
Christian Bale, much as I like him - he's great as Batman, is feverishly intense in The Machinist and was the best thing about the otherwise lacklustre The Fighter - here delivers lines by either roaring angrily or whispering furiously, and nought in between, which gets a bit silly, almost parodic at times.
But none of that stuff really matters, because this is just a really cool sci-fi actioner.
The robots look cool.
The new motorbike-mounted Terminators look cool.
Christian Bale looks fucking cool.
And it flies by. You're not given chance to think too much about what's happening, or really care, as another building is exploding, another dogfight kicking off, another bout of ground based conflict ensuing.
I thought this film was bloody great and, frankly, I'm only docking a point because it's directed by someone arse-kickingly preposterous enough to dub himself McG.
Liked this very much indeed.

4 out of 5

Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009) Dir: John Hyams

Fourth installment of the super-soldier franchise is a depressingly dull affair.

The plot:
A bunch of terrorists seize control of the abandoned Chernobyl nuclear reactor, and threaten to use the nuclear energy still present to cause devastation on a scale never previously seen.
The solution?
Introduce original Universal Soldier Luc Devereaux to sort the fuckers out.

With a moderate budget, this initially manages to make the most of it's meagre resources but, strangely, the movie seems to lose momentum massively as soon as old creased-face Long Cord Man Slamme puts in an appearance.
And what an appearance.
He looks like he's turning into fucking leather.
To add a little bit of spice to proceedings, that other retro-bruiser Dolph Lundgren turns up and generally just gurns about the place, beating the living shit out of one or two likely sorts.
Violence wise, this is pretty intense, with prolonged fight sequences that are reasonably unflinching, and particularly well choreographed.
If only they'd left Man Slamme at home, this could have been a real winner.
Shame.
Disappointingly dull, then.

2 out of 5

X-Men: First Class (2011) Dir: Matthew Vaughn

Fifth movie outing for the mutant franchise, surely everyone is getting a little bit sick of it all by now?
The plot:
It's 1963 and Charles Xavier, a young Professor at Oxford University, becomes increasingly aware of the flourishing of mutant's in the world, and the potential war that is to come, both between 'normal' people and mutants, and within mutant circles, as lines of dominance are forged.
So it is, against a backdrop of growing hostilities between USA and USSR, which would culminate in the Cuban Missile Crisis with the world on the brink of thermonuclear war, that he forms his school for mutants and, with his first intake of pupils, must ensure a peaceful resolution to the Cuban situation.
Being an origins story, much of the focus here is on establishing just why the characters we are familiar with at a latter point in their chronology behave as they do and, in that, this movie is successful.
Having never read the comics, it is difficult to say how accurate they are in terms of the series mythos, but everything seemed to make sense, fine and dandy like.
Other plus points include Kevin Bacon's creepy turn as Sebastian Shaw, the villain of the piece to begin with, until Magneto steps forward, as well as some cool new mutants, in particular Tron disc throwing Havok.
But it's all a touch dull, in truth.
There's no real sense of urgency or dramatic tension.
We know the mutants are going to survive.
We know Professor X and Magneto are going to come through in the end and we know that, in the final showdown, Professor X will be paralysed.
We know all of that, and the writer's don't really give us anything else to chew on.
Functionality is the key word here.
The direction is functional.
The plotting is functional.
The performances are functional.
Nothing stands out, there's no flair, no surprises, nothing to genuinely excite, which is a real surprise considering the director's last movie was the simply excellent Kick Ass.
Can't say it's rubbish, folks, but it's a little in one ear,out the other.

3 out of 5

Transporter 3 (2008) Dir: Olivier Megaton

Statham's back with his big shiny car, his big shiny gun and his even bigger and shinier brow.
The plot:
Forced out of retirement by a businessman who won't take no for an answer, played with devilish glee by Robert 'Bagwell' Knepper, Staffam's reluctance to Transport again is soon overcome and, before he can say "You Slaaaags" he's got a device strapped to his wrist that will explode if he moves more than 75 feet from his beloved car, and an unwanted partner in the shape of a young Ukranian woman.
Mission unknown, reward unknown working for person's unknown, it can only be a matter of time before sheer fucking mayhem ensues.
Peppered with dreadful dialogue, Statham takes this all in his mega-muscled stride.
Fight scenes are sparse, but intensely violent.
Stunts ditto, though exchange violent for preposterous, and all the better for it.
If you've seen the first two movies, you'll know exactly what to expect and, whilst I didn't enjoy it quite as much, this was still a fun ride.
Let's face it, this is quality Eurotrash.

4 out of 5