Terminator Salvation (2009) Dir: McG

Please, Almighty God, up there in Heaven, Merciful Be Thy name.
Those were the thoughts that occurred when first news broke of Terminator Mk IV.
Then it emerged that Christian Bale would be the lead and I thawed somewhat, nay, even looked forward to it.

The plot:
In 2003 a death row inmate, Marcus Wright (Sam 'Avatar, Clash of the Tight 'Uns' Worthington) signs his still breathing carcass over for medical research.
In 2018, 14 years after the initial Skynet strike which eliminated most of humanity, pockets of resistance still survive, led by Our Hero, Christian 'Director of Photography baiting' Bale as John Connor.
After fighting off a few metallic bad guys, Connor discovers that Skynet has a new tactic: the ability to mould life-like, fake flesh over the metallic skeletons of the Terminator's.
Apparently harvesting humans, Skynet is determined to wipe out the blight of humanity once and for all, including Kyle Reese, the man who would go on to become Michael Biehn in the original movie.
Then they take Marcus Wright prisoner.
Then, with the aid of a female insider, he escapes.
Then he turns against his own kind.
Then he seems to save the day.
Then Kyle Reese is in jeopardy again.
Then.......

Confused?
I know I was.
Let's be clear about a couple of things right away:
The plot is a shambles.
It's incoherent, lacking structure or a seeming 'purpose' within its own internal logic and frankly baffles at times.
Christian Bale, much as I like him - he's great as Batman, is feverishly intense in The Machinist and was the best thing about the otherwise lacklustre The Fighter - here delivers lines by either roaring angrily or whispering furiously, and nought in between, which gets a bit silly, almost parodic at times.
But none of that stuff really matters, because this is just a really cool sci-fi actioner.
The robots look cool.
The new motorbike-mounted Terminators look cool.
Christian Bale looks fucking cool.
And it flies by. You're not given chance to think too much about what's happening, or really care, as another building is exploding, another dogfight kicking off, another bout of ground based conflict ensuing.
I thought this film was bloody great and, frankly, I'm only docking a point because it's directed by someone arse-kickingly preposterous enough to dub himself McG.
Liked this very much indeed.

4 out of 5

Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009) Dir: John Hyams

Fourth installment of the super-soldier franchise is a depressingly dull affair.

The plot:
A bunch of terrorists seize control of the abandoned Chernobyl nuclear reactor, and threaten to use the nuclear energy still present to cause devastation on a scale never previously seen.
The solution?
Introduce original Universal Soldier Luc Devereaux to sort the fuckers out.

With a moderate budget, this initially manages to make the most of it's meagre resources but, strangely, the movie seems to lose momentum massively as soon as old creased-face Long Cord Man Slamme puts in an appearance.
And what an appearance.
He looks like he's turning into fucking leather.
To add a little bit of spice to proceedings, that other retro-bruiser Dolph Lundgren turns up and generally just gurns about the place, beating the living shit out of one or two likely sorts.
Violence wise, this is pretty intense, with prolonged fight sequences that are reasonably unflinching, and particularly well choreographed.
If only they'd left Man Slamme at home, this could have been a real winner.
Shame.
Disappointingly dull, then.

2 out of 5