Turistas (2006) Dir: John Stockwell

Desperately disappointing modern horror that has a reputation which far exceeds the sum of it's parts.
The plot:
A group of backpackers find themselves stranded in a remote coastal region of Brazil when the bus they are travelling on is involved in a serious accident and slides off a cliff. As luck would have it, all passengers were able to escape before the bus was lost and, luckier still, they are just a few minutes walk from a beautiful, isolated beach that, for some weird reason given the solitude, is also equipped with a staffed bar. Thinking they have landed on their feet, the tourists stay the night, drinking into the early hours but, before the night is through, they are drugged. Awakening to find all of their possessions gone, with nothing except the clothes they are standing in, they head to the nearby village for assistance but are brushed aside. Only one native will offer help, and he leads them through the jungle to a house, where a terrible fate awaits them.
Whilst the acting and production values are of a decent standard, the real problem here is that there is simply not enough storyline to justify a full length feature.
Hell, this would struggle to fill a forty five minute run-time for a TV show.
As a result, the first forty minutes is spent on establishing the characters - too long - before the horror reveal then, once the reveal is complete, the final forty minutes is spent with Our Heroes being chased around a bit.
And by all the Christ's on this Earth, it's dull.
People run.
People scream.
People run some more.
People shout and caterwaul and run and scream.
Bored the living teats off me, and I tend to like seeing people suffer.
With some beautiful scenery, some decent underwater filming and a healthily good looking cast, this should be far more gripping than it is.
Don't bother with it.

2 out of 5

Note: In the UK and France this is known as Paradise Lost. In Japan, as Blood Paradise. Don't be fooled by the alternate titles. They're all the same deathly dull movie.

House of Flying Daggers (2004) Dir: Yimou Zhang

From the director of Hero, Yimou Zhang, comes a sumptuous romantic martial arts fairytale that is by turns bewitching, violent and laced with romance.
The plot:
Set during the Tang dynasty in China (circa 600 - 900 A.D.), a narcissistic police officer, Jin, is sent to a brothel as part of an investigation into a rebel group, opposed to the government forces known as the House of Flying Daggers. Once there, Jin is enchanted by the beautiful dancing and martial arts prowess of a young blind woman. Captivated, he attempts to ravish her, but is interrupted when the police burst in and arrest both himself and the blind dancer. Imprisoned, Jin manages to free the dancer and they both flee. With the police hot on their heels, much fighting ensues and, just as all seems lost, a swarm of daggers fly through the air, slaying their attackers.
But who threw the daggers?
And precisely whose side is everyone on, anyway?
Beautifully shot, this is evocative, imaginative, artistic film-making of the highest order.
The stunt work is remarkable and, whilst some will quibble at the amount of wire-work used, this simply lends to the air of the fantastical that the director evokes.
Though occasionally getting bogged down in it's own romantic musings, as a love triangle manifests that can only end in bloodshed, still this is engaging, creative and simply gorgeous to look at.
Very good indeed.

4 out of 5

Transporter 3 (2008) Dir: Olivier Megaton

Statham's back with his big shiny car, his big shiny gun and his even bigger and shinier brow.
The plot:
Forced out of retirement by a businessman who won't take no for an answer, played with devilish glee by Robert 'Bagwell' Knepper, Staffam's reluctance to Transport again is soon overcome and, before he can say "You Slaaaags" he's got a device strapped to his wrist that will explode if he moves more than 75 feet from his beloved car, and an unwanted partner in the shape of a young Ukranian woman.
Mission unknown, reward unknown working for person's unknown, it can only be a matter of time before sheer fucking mayhem ensues.
Peppered with dreadful dialogue, Statham takes this all in his mega-muscled stride.
Fight scenes are sparse, but intensely violent.
Stunts ditto, though exchange violent for preposterous, and all the better for it.
If you've seen the first two movies, you'll know exactly what to expect and, whilst I didn't enjoy it quite as much, this was still a fun ride.
Let's face it, this is quality Eurotrash.

4 out of 5

The Breed (2006) Dir: Nicholas Mastandrea

We all love dogs, right?
The plot:
A gaggle of sickeningly attractive 'teenagers' head to a remote island, where two of their number grew up, to have a party weekend.
Should be fun.
That is, unless a pack of slavering dogs begin to attack, hellbent on feasting on their flesh.......
It's pretty derivative stuff, the old 'horde of unnaturally malevolent creatures attack in numbers,' the obvious trick here being it's dogs rather than, say, zombies or vampires or werewolves or phantoms or slugs or rats or.....
Know what I mean?
The cast are pretty loathsome, with the notable exception of Michelle Rodriguez, who does her best with the heap of shit she's given to work with, both in terms of script and co-stars.
All that being said, I didn't hate this, with the dog attack scenes being effectively handled and, given that we take these things in as pets, it is quite disturbing to see them tearing corpses apart like the scavengers that they truly are. One gloriously disturbing image involves a white coated canine removing it's large head from the abdomen of a fallen member of the pack, it's beautiful white coat stained pure crimson. Quite a striking visual.
Nothing remarkable to see here, but worth a watch just for the killer dogs.

3 out of 5

Burn After Reading (2008) Dir: Ethan Coen, Joel Coen

The Coen's Burn After Reading took a bit of a critical mauling upon first release, and probably deservedly so.
Just about.
The plot:
John Malkovich plays Osbourne Cox, soon to be retired CIA agent whose assistant frequents a local gymnasium. Whilst there, she inadvertently leaves her gym bag, in which is a disk containing a working copy of Cox's memoirs. Two gym employees discover the bag and decide that, instead of handing it in, they should attempt to extort as much money as possible from 'interested parties'. Trouble is, they have no idea what they are looking at, nor who would be interested.
So begins a cat and mouse game of espionage bumbling of epic proportions.
A bit of a knockabout comedy, the humour here is broader than usual for the Coen's, Raising Arizona and The Hudsucker Proxy notwithstanding.
Malkovich is excellent as the visibly enraged agent, as are Coen stalwarts Clooney and McDormand, but special mention must be made of Pitt's performance which is just....odd. Wacky and irritating is about the best fit, to the extent that I began to suspect he had discovered Scientology.
Whilst not a patch on the Coen's more weighty works, this was never meant to be viewed as such and, as a bit of throwaway fluff, it passed an hour and a half.
I'll never watch it again, though, and I don't say that about many of their films.
Average.

3 out of 5.
But only just.

Sucker Punch (2011) Dir: Zack Snyder

Simply dreadful.
The plot: A young woman, known only as Baby Doll, is sent to an institution by her wicked stepfather soon after the passing of her mother.
Once there, she retreats into a lavish world of fantasy as she plots her escape…
It near beggars belief that a movie with so much action, so much on screen mayhem, so much movement and chaos and momentum could be so utterly, crushingly, mind-bogglingly, stupefyingly, absurdly dull, dull, dull.
This is a movie that features Nazi zombies.
This is a movie that features relentless, emotionless cybernetic killbots.
This is a movie that features a fire breathing dragon.
That features samurai swords, a city's destruction, machine guns, biplanes and blimps. Not to mention an assortment of sexy young things wearing the kind of fetish gear with the power to make grown men weep.
And yet.
Aaaaand yet....it is so fucking boring you'll want to eat your own fingers whilst it's on.
A laser beam here, a hold-up stocking there, a slit throat here, a flash of knickers there.
Yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn.
It's like Snyder delved into every male fantasy and attempted to spunk it all onto the screen, only to find his lustful outpourings watery and weak.
Noisy, nonsensical - honestly, this makes not one jot of sense - and eye stabbingly tedious.
Sure, the girls were smokin' hot, but the movie was fucking awful.

1 out of 5

Requiem for a Dream (2000) Dir: Darren Aronofsky

Ten years before the stunning Black Swan, Darren Aronofsky's sophomore outing is just as challenging, just as demanding and just as draining.
The plot:
Four residents of Brooklyn Beach see their lives shift into an unstoppable downward spiral due to their various drug addictions.
We watch on as lives that, though tainted by addiction, are mainly in control descend into a maelstrom of chaos, delusion, paranoia and outright horror.
Aronofsky's directorial style renders each scene captivating, a dense barrage of sensory overload that would make Oliver Stone proud, though he is no copyist, imbuing a clear personality to his movies.
To invoke a cliche, at times it is hard to tear your eyes from the screen, so immersive is the experience.
By turns harrowing, bewildering, horrifying, dizzying and awe-inspiring, the skill here is in building such a riotous crescendo, depicting scenes that may seem absurd in less skillful hands in a manner which never once breaks down that fourth wall.
The movie builds and builds, each humiliation or horror endured by our despairing addicts more awful than the last, lending a sense of the morbid fascination: what on Earth will happen next?
Truly exhausting as a viewing experience, Aronofsky is quickly becoming a firm favourite here at Smell the Cult HQ.
Special mention must be made of Ellen Burstyn, veteran actress who here plays a Jewish widow addicted to diet pills that may or may not be amphetamines. Hers is as accomplished a performance I have seen in quite some time.
A truly remarkable movie in every single regard, this is must watch stuff.
Brilliant.

5 out of 5