Goldilocks and the Three Bares (1963) Dir: Herschell Gordon Lewis

Possibly the worst film I've ever seen.

The plot:
There isn’t one.
Well, two spectacularly arrogant and objectionable men, one a nightclub singer, the other a stand-up comedian, begin to date women who spend their spare time at a nudist colony.
We then follow their time at said colony.

Let me be clear about this:
The only reason I even glanced at this was because director Herschell Gordon Lewis was the man that brought the world The Gore Gore Girls, Blood Feast and The Wizard of Gore, films that redefined what was acceptable visually, and movies that any self respecting horror fan must see.
As exploitation credentials go, that's pretty hard to beat.
Here, again pioneering, he attempted to add an element of credibility to the 'nudie-cutie' genre which blossomed in the 60's and, whilst he may have achieved just that, as a viewer nearly 50 years hence, it is barely watchable.
Important only for Gordon Lewis completists, this is one of the very few films I wish I hadn't even bothered hitting the play button for.
Woefully awful, avoid this at all costs.

1 out of 5

Stuck (2007) Dir: Stuart Gordon

Got to tell you, I just love Stuart Gordon.
If he'd let me, I'd drizzle him in olive oil, slap him in a frying pan and wolf him down with chorizo.
But he won’t
Whether it's schlock horror gore offerings like Re-Animator or From Beyond or his sci-fi silliness such as Fortress or Robot Jox for me, the man can do no wrong.
Stuck, a neat little exploitation piece that is as devious as it is disturbing, this is both genre-bending and fantastically original.
The plot: After a drink and drug-laced party, a young woman foolishly decides to drive home. Mid-journey, messing with her mobile phone, pissed as a judge on Easter Monday, she hits a man, recently forced onto the street after eviction from his squalid flat. The man strikes the bonnet of the car but, instead of rolling off, plunges headlong through the windscreen, pinned in place by the wipers that are now jabbed firmly into the meat of his matter.
With her hit and run victim suspended, half in and half out of her car, the drunkard must flee for home, then devise a means of ridding herself of her 'problem.'
Morbidly humorous right from the get go, this has a black, black heart, but also a natural wit that carries you through the nonsensical nature of what is actually happening on screen.
Though light on genuine gore, the odd moment of nastiness is graphic enough to make you squirm just a little, and the rapid-fire run time gives this the feel of a genuine cult movie.
Vicious, twisted and something of a morality tale in the end, this is a winner down at Smell the Cult HQ.

4 out of 5

Piranha (2010) Dir: Alexandre Aja

French shocker Haute Tension's director Alexandre Aja helms this remake of a movie that was itself a Joe 'Gremlins' Dante directed parody in the first place.
Confused?
You might be.
Lake Victoria, every summer time, plays host to twenty thousand screaming jocks and nymphettes, all determined to enjoy their summer break by taking off most, if not all of their clothes, waving their arses around whilst covered in oil, and pouring as much alcohol down their worthless gullets as possible.
A seismic shift beneath the great lake's surface literally moves the Earth and, beneath the water, a crevasse is formed, linking the lake on the surface with one beneath the rock, that had been sealed for millions of years. Though shut off from the outside world for millenia, life still flourished, and soon finds its way into the warm upper waters and, wouldn't you know it, those voracious prehistoric piranha have a wanton taste for human flesh.
Cue much waterbound screaming and thrashing.
A simple enough premise, ripe for the modern faux B-movie workover.
But, this is a strange beast, and no mistake.
Essentially, viewing Piranha 3D is like watching two really short movies spliced together as one.
Movie 1: Run of the mill monster movie, where fish have really big teeth and eat anything that is foolish enough to swim where they lurk.
Movie 2: One of those God awful Girls Gone Wild soft porno's that gained brief notoriety - here in Blighty at least - when Larry David was determined to get his hands on one in CYE.
It's clever, though, almost post-modern.
See, we are watching a softcore movie being made by a cheap as chips porno director in the movie and, by lucky happenstance, that means we as the viewer get to watch a softcore movie ourselves, or at least snippets of it. Then the scene changes, and we're all gristle and gnashing teeth and flying cartilage. Then back again, to the porn movie. It's fucking bewildering at times, and is rooted squarely between the hateful and the genius and, even now, 24 hours after seeing the movie, I can't decide which way it swings.
As the bikini clad beauties shake their poomtang, as the muscle bound morons flex their pecs, delight in the certain knowledge that they will all meet a grisly end.
As Kelly Brook and her 'pal' cavort underwater, bare as the day they were born in a 'mermaid' scene that simply has to be seen to be believed - I laughed out loud at the preposterousness of the whole thing, whilst slowly 'Little Mosefus' made his presence felt - you'll be shaking your head in confusion.
So that's the nudity dealt with, what about the gore?
As a 3D only movie, I wasn't expecting much, but was pleased to be proved wrong as, on occasion, this is positively barbaric. Sure, there's the odd moment of CGI silliness and, yep, you get the occasional 'point something at the camera and wave it around in Real 3D' scene but, for the most part, the gruel is proper prosthetics, and the movie is all the better for it. As people are dragged onto boats midway through piranha attacks, we see their useless, flesh-stripped limbs flailing behind them. In one glorious moment of madness, a rather unfortunate woman gets her hair caught on the propellor of a powerboat and has the skin of her face ripped right off, a fine feat of special FX that had me giggling like an imbecile.
Whilst it takes a little while to get there, when the payoff comes it is well worth the wait and, as the bloodbath ensues, one couldn't help but be put in mind of the opening sequences of Saving Private Ryan, with body parts flying left and right, corpses adrift in the water, whilst those that survive must do battle with a seemingly invincible foe.
But at least this one had a plausible plotline....
Riotously good fun, the only reason I knock 1 off the rating is because, due to a genetic flaw that will affect few others, I can't see the damned 3D effects.
A modern exploitation flick that delivers the goods.

4 out of 5