Someone's Watching Me! (1978) Dir: John Carpenter

Oft overlooked TV movie from horror meister Carpenter, released the same year as the vaunted Halloween.
The plot:
A young woman, who works as a director of live TV, moves into a swanky new apartment in L.A. Shortly after her arrival, she begins receiving telephone calls, nothing too sinister at first, but soon ratcheting into something altogether more menacing, as a mysterious man turns her life into a living hell.
As a TV movie, it is perhaps inevitable that this is pretty tame when compared with Carpenter's fully fledged cinematic offerings, but this movie is not without it's merits. Carpenter's trademark directorial flourishes are present and correct: lengthy tracking shots to convey menace; excellent use of POV shots; imaginative use of lighting to add atmosphere.
But there are issues here, too.
Firstly, the lead character is really hard to like. She's so damned perky and optimistic, whistling and singing her way through her day, even talking to herself in a really upbeat, joyful way. Honestly, it turns the stomach.
Secondly, she seems a bit dim-witted. What is meant to come across as obstinate and determined seems simply foolish as, long after the stalker has made his presence known AND made it abundantly clear that he is watching her every move, still she wanders around her apartment with lights ablaze, curtains open. At one point she even has sex right there in the window.
Made me cross.
Finally, and perhaps most significantly, the incidental music is not written by Carpenter, so we don't really have that sinister final element that really lifts most of his work, instead the score is bog standard TV movie fodder, all blazing brass and honking horns, which is quite headache inducing.
Still, as a TV movie, this weren't 'alf bad, and there were certainly signs of the greatness to come, and Carpenter's cine-literacy was evident with clear nods to Hitchcock and Argento. It could even be claimed that this would go on to inspire Craven's Scream, due to the utilisation of the telephone as the primary instrument of terror.
And heck, the villain even wore Michael Myers' trademark dark blue boiler suit!
What more could you ask?

3 out of 5

The Deadly Spawn (1983) Dir: Douglas McKeown

Set your gore radar to high alert, and settle in for a genuine feast for the senses.
The plot:
In rural America, a meteor crashes to Earth. Two young folk out camping go to investigate, and are promptly eaten alive by flesh eating beasties. Cut to a nearby town, and we meet a group of friends. We have lots of establishing scenes were we get to know them and, you know, in some ways, get to like them. All except the pompous prick in the glasses who keeps spouting on about science.
Heh, shut it, speccie, no-one's interested.
Now, little do this gang of pals know that, lurking in the basement are the creatures that crawled from the meteor....and they're breeding!
Real low budget fare, this, and riotously good fun too.
Though the pace is punishingly slow at times, primarily due to the fact that there really isn't enough story here to justify even the 78 minute run time, this matters not one jot as, interspersed amongst the drawn out scenes are reasonably lengthy spurts - and I do mean spurts - of out and out gore.
Little gribbly aliens bore into people's body cavities, others emerge from poor unfortunates midriffs midway through chewing on their intestines and, in one spectacular moment of nastiness, two worm like entities burrow out from inside someones skull, using his eye sockets as a handy exit.
The monster design is magnificent, an over the top vision of all of hell's demons, the creatures effectively a gaping jaw atop a squirming, slime-oozing torso, maws opening to reveal row upon row of Great White style teeth.
The pace will put some off, which is a shame, but for those that can endure and wait for the gore, you're in for a good time.

4 out of 5

Slugs (1988) Dir: Juan Piquer Simón

Based on Shaun Hutson's infamous schlock novel, this really should be far more dreadful than it actually is.
The plot:
Having transposed the action from the UK in the novel to the US on screen, we follow a sanitation inspectors bid to convince the local authorities that a series of grisly deaths in his sleepy rural town are the work of a new breed of flesh-eating, mutant slugs.
Inevitably, his warnings fall on deaf ears.....right up to the moment bodies start appearing and a man's head explodes in a restaurant as slugs eat their way from the inside out.....
Low budget this most certainly is, having the feel, acting wise, of one of those German porno movies where you know at any moment the woman is going to be shitting in someone's mouth but, let's be honest, you don't watch a movie called Slugs for the quality of the acting.
Though the moments of gore are fairly limited, presumably for financial reasons, they are nevertheless reasonably effective. The aforementioned head chewing scene is well worth a look, and there are several other highlights of slugs chewing their way through eyeballs, cheeks and the like. We also get plentifuol shots of the slimy little buggers writhing around over each other in a particularly suggestive manner, which could be seen as a deviantly delightful treat by some.
Not by me, mind.
Not by me.
Z grade horror this most certainly is, but worst movie ever made - as several reviews I have read claim - I think not.
Decent.

3 out of 5

Quantum of Solace (2008) Dir: Marc Forster

This took a real critical mauling upon initial release and, for my money at least, it was entirely undeserved.
The plot:
Kicking straight in after the events of Casino Royale, Bond is hell-bent on revenge for the death of his lover. Heading to Haiti, he is soon embroiled in a cross-continental conspiracy by the mysterious Quantum organisation to plunder the Earth's most valuable resource, and in particular the machinations of one Dominic Greene (not much of a Bond villain name, I must admit!) in Bolivia, self-styled philanthropist who may not be as giving as his public image suggests.
Again, as with it's predecessor, here we forsake the usual Bond trappings of silly gadgets and even sillier one-liners, this very much a grittier, sleeker animal, less meat on the bones, as can be evidenced by the stripped down hour forty run time - very short for the franchise.
The action scenes are quite remarkable, packed full of energy and, crucially, pain, as faces are slammed against rock or smashed through windows, or assailants are body-slammed through glass-topped tables.
And by the Christ's it really is violent and must have stretched the 12A certificate right to the wire here in the UK.
Whilst not one for the purists - the main gripers, I imagine - this is a massively effective, muscular action movie that most 'normals' should enjoy and the sooner the legal wranglings at MGM are sorted out and we can get Daniel Craig back on our screens in Bond mode, the better.
Loved it.

5 out of 5

God Told Me To (1976) Dir: Larry Cohen

Master of the exploitation movie, Larry 'It's Alive,' 'The Stuff,' 'Q: The Winged Serpent' Cohen here takes us on a nightmarish journey towards the Apocalypse.
The plot: A New York Detective, Peter Nicholas, attempts to talk down a sniper from the rooftop of a building. When Nicholas asks him why he wanted to shoot people, the sniper informs him that "God Told Him To," just before plunging headlong off the building to his death.
So begins a sequence of similar incidents that Nicholas investigates, each time the culprit claiming that "God Told Them To.
Drawn inexorably towards a shocking conclusion, is Detective Nicholas somehow involved?
And who is the strange, blond man, shining with angelic light that people keep witnessing?
It's odd, that's for sure, straddling the line between several genres.
There's a clear thriller influence, as well as horror and a healthy dose of theology thrown in, too.
The acting, for the type of movie, is more than acceptable and, being penned by Cohen, the script is way above the standard you would expect.
With a nice line in irreverence, and a splendidly seedy, grainy feel to the film stock used, this is a rock solid 70's exploitation classic that even the mighty Christopher Nolan invoked for the St. Patrick's Day massacre in The Dark Knight.
A genuine cult classic.

4 out of 5

Limitless (2011) Dir: Neil Burger

Pretty silly sci-fi lite yarn that delivers precisely what it promises.
The plot:
Bradley 'California Smile' Cooper plays Eddie Morra, a writer struggling with writer's block and the break-up of his most recent relationship. Bumping into the brother of his ex-wife on the street, Eddie is introduced to a wonder drug, so new it doesn't even have a street name yet, going by the scientific moniker NZT. Popping one of the translucent pills, Eddie finds his mind expanding, tapping into hitherto unfathomed reaches of his brain and releasing a spurt of motivation that sees him crank out 90 pages in one day.
When the inevitable come down comes, Eddie wants more NZT, and returns to the ex's brother but, soon after meeting, the guy winds up dead. Eddie searches his place and discovers a stash of the magic pills and, powered by the drug coursing through his worthless veins, his life is transformed, initially for the good but, slowly, slowly, as his reliance on the narcotic grows, so too his life begins to unwind in a crescendo of violence and chaos.
Yep, it's the old 'wonder-drug gone bad' story efficiently, if a little predictably, retold.
A few gripes here:
1 - If Bradley Cooper is a genuine leading man, I'm a Chilean miner.
2 - The movie's main message seems to be that acting like a coked up prick is somehow symbolic of success.
3 - Some annoying subplots quickly become tiresome.
4 - A dreadful score.
5 - Such limited screen time for De Niro.
Still, it's not all bad.
1 - Erm.....
2 - Erm......
Actually, come to think of it, it is quite bad as I can think of not one positive thing to say about the damn thing.
Still, while it lasted it was pretty pleasant, just seems the come down afterwards is a bit of a killer.
Average fodder, then.

3 out of 5

Fortress (1992) Dir: Stuart Gordon

Let me confess something right off the bat: I'm a massive Stuart Gordon fanboy and, though I haven't seen everything he's made quite yet, I've seen most and am yet to be disappointed.
OK, that's out of the way, so let's get down to some serious reviewing here: Fortress is fucking brilliant.
I could end it there, sign off with that single, definitive statement and feel reasonably content, but I feel the need to justify myself somewhat as, having read other reviews of this movie, it seems I am in the minority.
So, instead of writing a usual review, I'm just going to list the reasons Fortress is fucking brilliant.
Because it is.
Fortress is fucking brilliant.
Simple.
And here's why:

1 - It feels just like Total Recall.
2 - Christof Camembert is at his mumbling best
3 - There's gore
4 - There's women in prison
5 - There are plenty of dodgy, 80's-tastic special effects, even though this was 3 years into the next decade
6 - It's directed by Stuart 'Re-Animator,' 'From beyond,' 'Stuck,' 'Dagon' Gordon.
7 - There is a torture device called an Intestinator.
8 - Robocop's Clarence Boddicker is the main villain.
9 - The cybernetic sentries are utterly useless.
10 - It's directed by Stuart Gordon. Again, yes, but worth repeating.
11 - Oh yeah. Fortress is fucking brilliant.

5 out of 5

2001 Maniacs (2005) Dir: Tim Sullivan

Unwatchable drivel.
The plot:
A bunch of obnoxious, death-deserving college students head out for their Spring Break, and make the mistake of stopping off in a town where the residents have actually been dead for 100 years, only they are not ready to accept it just yet.
Sounds reasonably intriguing, I grant you, but this is delivered as such lowest common denominator fare it soon becomes a painful ordeal.
See, everyone appears obsessed by sex and we, the viewer, are meant to find that interesting.
A none stop barrage of smutty innuendo is sent our way so that, far from a horror movie, this feels more like a fucking Carry On film, and a really poor one at that.
Sure, there is some gruel and guts, but I soon resorted to fast forwarding to those bits as I could simply not tolerate the woeful script or juvenile antics.
What makes this all the more unforgivable is that it is a 'reinvention' of a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie entitled Two Thousand Maniacs, a director who, though low-rent, always managed to inject a touch of schlock value to his projects, something that is sadly lacking here.
This may be decent if you are 13 and have yet to touch a tit but for everyone else, avoid.
Awful.

1 out of 5

Outland (1981) Dir: Peter Hyams

Sean Connery is a space faring Police Marshall.
Course he is.
It's the far future, and our Mr. Connery is stationed on a colony on IO, Jupiter's second largest moon. Newly arrived, Connery's Marshal O'Neill is warned that the population likes things run just the way they always have been, and they won't be happy if The Law come snooping. Being a law abiding sort, O'Neill ignores the warning and starts poking around, and soon uncovers a drug smuggling racket that will endanger his very life.
And a strange beast it is, too.
Visually, this is pretty imaginative, a nice mix of the super clean interiors of, say, Star Wars and the more grimy, industrial vision of the future we see in Blake's 7. The science fiction backdrop is a touch puzzling as, truthfully, this story could have been told at any point in time but then, would it have looked quite so lush. The effects, whilst massively dated, are sumptuous and ambitious, especially the external shots of the space station towards the end.
No stranger to science fiction (Timecop, 2010), director Hyams handles the setting well and delivers a low key, though reasonably effective sci-fi thriller.

3 out of 5

King Solomon's Mines (1985) Dir: J. Lee Thompson

Reasonably well known box office flop with a reputation for awfulness that is rather undeserved.
The plot: Richard 'The Thornbirds' Chamberlain plays Allan Quatermain, an Indiana Jones style explorer and general adventure who gets caught ip in a search for the legendary King Solomon's Mines when he gets involved with a beautiful stranger (Sharon Stone).
That's all you need to know about the plot, for this is a movie that lives and dies on its action scenes, and they are plentiful.
Getting dragged behind a moving train; hanging on to the wing of an erratically piloted bi-plane; being boiled alive in a giant pot by cannibals?
It's all in a day's work for Quatermain.
Chamberlain is clearly having a whale of a time as the square jawed hero, ably assisted by a youthful Stone, all pretty blonde curls and squealing innocence.
John Rhys Davies makes a welcome appearance as a villain - another link to Indiana Jones - and the chest-thumping score is provided by the always excellent Jerry Goldsmith, here doing his best to channel the essence of John Williams.
Heh, it's as dumb as a sackful of badgers, but it is also relentlessly entertaining, only occasionally straying into the realm of utter nonsense.
Imagine the more comical moments in the Indiana Jones movies, only extended for the duration and you won't be far away.
Silly, then, but engagingly so.

3 out of 5

Battle: Los Angeles (2011) Dir: Jonathan Liebesman

An alien invasion movie directed by the man that brought us the shambolic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning has got to be a load of old cobblers, right?
Wrong.
The plot: It's 5 months into the future, and mysterious meteors suddenly appear approaching Earth. Astronomers are baffled and bewildered, particularly when they determine that the meteors are due to strike the Earth just off the coastline of most major cities around the globe. The military are mobilised and are equally mystified when it is demonstrated that the meteors, rather than plunging into the ocean at terminal velocity, are actually slowing up right before they hit the water.
With defences set to high alert, the front line soldiers are torn asunder by ruthless alien adversaries emerging from the sea, the strikes simultaneous and strategically co-ordinated.
Quickly it becomes clear: The world is at war.
With the first wave decimated, we follow a unit of Marines with a two fold mission.
1: Shore up defences a couple of miles inland in Santa Monica.
2: Rescue the civilians holed-up in a West Los Angeles police station.
Outgunned, outmanned and quickly cut off from the rest of the defensive force, the question soon becomes not how many can they rescue, but how many of them will escape with their lives?
The director has been quoted as stating that he wanted to make a movie that was part Black Hawk Down, part alien invasion and, in every single regard, he succeeded.
The movie kicks straight into the action, and never really relents, save for the occasional mawkish interlude where we are reminded that 'soldiers have feelings too.'
The battle sequences are intense and relentless, perfectly crafted, the down at ground level directorial style plunging you right into the heat of warfare. In many ways, the movie reminded me of the First Person Shooter Kill Zone, the visceral nature of the carnage all absorbing.
There is the odd moment of chest thumping, Über-patriotic American guff, sure to annoy some European viewers, but it is tolerable and in keeping with the events on screen.
Pulse pumping, adrenaline fuelled and absolutely riveting form beginning to end, this is a straight tie here at Smell the Cult HQ for movie of the year with Black Swan.
Whilst critics will argue that it doesn't add anything particularly new story-wise to the genre, that would be radically missing the point. This is not about reinventing the wheel, rather about fine tuning it and, honestly, I don't think there is a movie quite like this out there, Cloverfield and Skyline notwithstanding.
For alien invasion movies, the bar has undeniably just been raised.
Outstanding.

5 out of 5

Ironclad (2011) Dir: Jonathan English

AKA When Templars Attack!
The plot: It's 1215, and King John of England is disgusted by the fact that he has been coerced into signing the Magna Carta, a document which renounced certain royal authorities and gave the 'free man' more rights than had ever previously been allowed.
In a tyrannical reign of terror, we join the fracas as King John is in the midst of attempting to execute all Magna Carta sympathisers in a bid to seize back total power and declare the document null and void.
Step forth a motley gang of rebels led by Albany (Brian Cox) determined that the law should pass, and with the French on their side who are just as eager to oust King John as those over whom he rules.
Albany and his men take Rochester Castle, booting out King John's loyal Danish soldiers before fortifying the castle in preparation for King John's attack, knowing that all they need do is hold out until the French arrive and victory will be theirs.
Gritty and violent, this is an interesting movie, though not altogether successful.
The dialogue is a strange mix of Ye Olde Worlde with the occasional modern turn of phrase, in particular the use of conjunctions.
The battle sequences, though well choreographed and ferociously gory are undermined somewhat by the directorial decision to adopt the 'shaky-cam' approach, rendering much of the mayhem virtually unwatchable, which is a shame as the bits that could be discerned were fiery indeed.
With a veritable cavalcade of fine British actors, including the omniscient Derek Jacobi in fare such as this, the scenery chewing is set to max, with Paul Giamatti as King John, Brian Cox and the aforementioned Jacobi trying to out-thesp one another throughout.
Though hardly Earth-shattering, and adding little to the genre, this nevertheless passed a couple of hours rather efficiently and, were it not for the annoying directorial style of the battle scenes, this would have rated one point higher.
Decent.

3 out of 5

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991) Dir: Nicholas Meyer

You know the old adage, about the odd number Trek movies being the stinkers, with the evens way above par?
Certainly fits here.
The plot: With the Klingons forced to go cap in hand to The Federation to seek an alliance following a devastating explosion on their own moon, Kirk and Co. are assigned the mission of beginning the diplomatic process. Though stilted, things appear to have gone reasonably well - or as well as could have been expected with Klingon hater Kirk in charge, any way - when a new disaster strikes. On board the Klingon vessel, mysterious, Star Fleet space-suited figures materialise, knocking out the gravity system in the process and proceed to run amok on the Klingon vessel, killing anything that moves with a bony forehead......
Superbly cast, the likes of Christopher Plummer and David Warner bring genuine gravitas to the Klingon ambassadors.
Special effects wise, though CGI was really in its infancy, this nevertheless looks impressive, with some natty battle sequences, a killer explosion and some pretty cool purple-pink Klingon blood bobbing about in Zero-G.
Though the movie does begin to drag it's heels during the second act, when Kirk and McCoy are tried for crimes against the Klingon Empire and sentenced to die on an ice-bound hard labour planet, where they happen upon a shape-shifting Mrs. David Bowie - the 1st and 3rd acts are so strong it is difficult not to be impressed.
True, Scotty may look as though his Star Fleet issue tunic could very well pop at any moment, McCoy looks as though he has been smearing himself in wood varnish for the past 30 years and Chekov's Russian accent hasn't got any more convincing, but this is a stand out effort in Trek's long movie history.
Unsurprising, really, given that Nicolas 'Wrath of Khan' Meyer was back behind the lens.
Excellent all round.

5 out of 5

The Adjustment Bureau (2011) Dir: George Nolfi

Christ, this movie frustrated.
The plot: Matt Damon plays a politician running for office, quite successfully, until a college prank hits the media and his ratings take a nose dive. Preparing his runner up speech in the gents, he is surprised when a beautiful woman emerges from one of the cubicles and, quick as you can take your super-powered hat off, they are locked in a passionate kiss, before she vanishes from his life, apparently for good, with security hot on her heels. A chance meeting on the bus a little while later sets in motion a chain of events that will shatter his world, for their blossoming relationship has come to the attention of The Adjustment Bureau, a shadowy organisation, intent on keeping them apart.
But who are The Adjustment Bureau?
What do they want?
And why do they all look like characters out of a Raymond Chandler novel?
Based on a short by Philip K. Dick, this has all of the trappings of a classically cool paranoid sci-fi outing but, thrown in with the genre stuff, we have a weak as gerbil's piss romance between the two leads, a will they-won't they tug of love that would have embarrassed even Ross and Rachel.
Whilst the core sci-fi elements are great - doors used as portals, mind control, meddling with timelines - the huan interest angle sucks out the gravity so that at no point do you truly feel anyone is in any great peril, at no point do you even consider that our lovebirds won't end up together.
Too sentimental and syrupy for the nerd audience, too sci-fi for the sentimentalists, I suspect this will struggle to find a true fanbase. Sure, it will pull a few people in through Damon's presence alone, and the trailer is intriguing enough to get saps like me through the door (mainly as it doesn't hint at the freakin' love story aspect), this is being pitched as Bourne meets Inception and, trust me, this is way below the standard of either of those concepts.
Desperately average.

2 out of 5

Frantic (1988) Dir: Roman Polanski

Roman Polanski's abduction thriller is more a study in quiet desperation than the title might suggest.
The plot: A wealthy American doctor (Harrison Ford) and his wife are on a busman's holiday in Paris. Getting ready for the day ahead, Dr. Walker is taking a shower when the telephone rings. His wife answers, speaks briefly, then tries to communicate something but, with water spraying loudly, he is unable to hear what she said. Dr. Walker finishes his shower and emerges to discover his wife gone, vanished, with little clue as to her whereabouts.
So begins a desperate search that will see him encountering murder, drug-taking, betrayal and international terrorism.
Polished and precise, Ford is perfectly cast as the emotionally devastated Dr. Walker - a role he would go on to effectively re-enact a few years later in The Fugitive - and is very convincing, displaying just the right balance of anger, frustration and raw fear.
If there is a criticism to be found anywhere - and you have to look hard - it is perhaps that the villains are a little caricatured, a touch too pantomime.
That aside, this is a rock solid, quality Euro-thriller.

Drive Angry (2011) Dir: Patrick Lussier

Old Horse face is back, this time sporting a spectacular mullet and an even more impressive 'Hellgun."
The plot: Nic Cage is a haunted man. Having lost his wife and daughter to a cult led my an olive skinned Lothario by the name of Jonah King, he is a man on a mission: to wreak bloody and violent revenge on those that took all that was important to him.
Coming across as part Machete, part Ghost Rider, this is cartoonesque to the point of the redundant.
Smacking as 'based on a graphic novel' even though it ain't no suj fang, this is wantonly over the top and ridiculous, each scene delivered with a knowing wink to the audience: Yeah, this is daft, but it's one heck of a lot of fun, isn't it?
Morally reprehensible - not one character portrayed has any kind of ethical standard or worth - this is excess in the name of entertainment, pure and simple and, for the most part, it works. Hands are lopped off, human femurs are jutted at the 3D screen, blood squirts hither and thither and tither and, the whole time, a vaguely doom metal guitar chugs along in the background, part Sabbath, part Danzig, all red meat.
And by all the Christ's it is violent.
Supremely so.
Utterly preposterous, utterly offensive on so many levels, this is nevertheless entertaining fare, elevated mightily by the august presence known simply as William Fichtner, a man so beautiful to look at and with such on screen charisma he would surely turn even the most homophobic of heads.
Far from perfect, far even from any good, I nevertheless enjoyed this for the duration.
Set brain cells to dormant, and enjoy

3 out of 5

Ils (2006) Dir: David Moreau, Xavier Palud

A movie now bracketed in the New French Extremism movement, this is taut and efficient to the point of agony.
The plot:
A wealthy French couple, one a teacher, one a writer, are accosted in their Romanian home by sinister, flashlight wielding forces that subject them to a night of abject horror.
As simplistic as it comes in terms of premise, this is all about delivery and, by all of Christs's many sufferings, it surely delivers.
The tension ratchets from the first incursion, the couple gripped with fear, the viewer dragged along with them and, at each turn of events, the knot in the viewer's stomach muscle turns another degree, more acidic squirtings of anxiety accompanying the on screen peril, the desperate French couple a precise echo of the viewing experience.
With exquisite use of location - that underground labyrinth is just perfect - this is a movie that squeezes every last Franc out of its budget.
Stylish, accomplished, thought provoking in denouement and damned scary, this is quality horror.

5 out of 5