The Island (2005) Dir: Michael Bay

Regular readers of these pages - yes, both of you - will be aware of the contempt in which I hold Michael 'The Enemy of Cinema' Bay, so it was with some trepidation that I opted to check out this sci-fi-lite marathon.
The plot:
Ewan McCracker plays Lincoln Six Echo, a simple man who lives in an underground world, protection against the contamination that has ravaged the planet above. Though simple, Lincoln seems to be questioning everything that he is told:
Is the contamination real?
Is his health as it should be?
And surely there must be more to life than simply dreaming of going to The Island, a daily lottery prize broadcast on large screens?
In addition, Lincoln seems to be attracted to a fellow inhabitant, Jordan Two Delta, played by the perma-pouting Scarlett Johansson - that's Jo-hansson, motherfucker, not Yo-hansson.
Sheesh.
After capturing a moth(!), further evidence that the contamination tale is phony, Lincoln follows the bug up a ventilation spout and witnesses the grim reality of what happens to those who go to The Island: organ removal.
His world view in tatters, Lincoln is forced to take drastic action when Jordan is selected as the next lucky lottery winner and, together, they flee the facility, determined to uncover the truth behind their fake lives.
A decent enough plot, though not altogether new. Logan's Run has similar themes, as does Fahrenheit 451 and, most notably, The Clonus Horror, whose makers sued Paramount Pictures and won an out of court settlement.
McCracker is competent here, but no more, Bay mystifyingly insisting he sport an American accent which, frankly, he simply cannot master, his thick Scottish drawl cutting through almost every vowel.
Johansson is nought but eye candy, not really adding much in terms of dynamics and, though there is some decent action, it all seems to drift away as the movie lumbers on and on and on. Bear in mind that the aforementioned Clonus Horror has a near identical plot and clocks in at 90 minutes whilst this drags it out for nigh on two and a half hours, and you'll see the problem. But then, it is a Michael Bay movie, so it would be foolish to expect tight editing and genuine momentum when you can just chuck a bunch of money at it and make a few more buildings explode.
All that being said, this is clearly Bay's best movie though, strangely, it was something of a flop upon initial release.
Verdict?
Excellent for Bay. average for everyone else.

3 out of 5

D.A.R.Y.L. (1985) Dir: Simon Wincer

Well now, here we have that rarest of creatures: a warm-hearted family movie that doesn’t make you want to stab out your own liver just to cease the abundant production of bile.
The plot: A young boy is discovered wandering with no memory as to his identity. He can remember basic things like speech and blinking and how to walk around without falling over, but details of his past life are none-existent. Taken into foster care it soon becomes apparent that Daryl is not like ordinary boys. He isn't rude, doesn't swear and, by the Christ's, he's really good at playing Pole Position and baseball.
One day, Daryl's real parents show up, ostensibly to take him home but, when they actually take him to The Pentagon, it soon transpires that D.A.R.Y.L. is not just different to other boys,....he's not even human!!! A military experiment in artificial intelligence now deemed awry, the military decide to do away with the project, but Daryl has other plans and, before you know it, he's stolen a Stealth Bomber and is cruising back home at Mach 2.25......
Whilst the potential for schmaltz is pretty damned high, the director does a decent job of keeping the vomit factor turned down low. The interplay between the lead character and his young friend is deftly handled, with genuine warmth, and there's a nice line in humour, too. Not the lighting your farts on fire, sticking your dick into an apple pie variety that passes for comedy these days but, you know, proper situational mirth.
Made in '85, and looking every day of its age, this is engaging sci-fi lite that has real charm and is certainly a movie for all the family. Heck, this wouldn't even offend Great Grandma Mosefus, and she's such a puritan she won't even look at a ripened pear for fear it may provoke lustful thoughts. S
o, throw away all your grisly horror, tear up your Stephen King books, put down that DVD copy of Jenna Haze Does the 49ers, and settle back for a pleasantly retro movie with a real nostalgic kick.
Liked it.

3 out of 5