The Island (2005) Dir: Michael Bay

Regular readers of these pages - yes, both of you - will be aware of the contempt in which I hold Michael 'The Enemy of Cinema' Bay, so it was with some trepidation that I opted to check out this sci-fi-lite marathon.
The plot:
Ewan McCracker plays Lincoln Six Echo, a simple man who lives in an underground world, protection against the contamination that has ravaged the planet above. Though simple, Lincoln seems to be questioning everything that he is told:
Is the contamination real?
Is his health as it should be?
And surely there must be more to life than simply dreaming of going to The Island, a daily lottery prize broadcast on large screens?
In addition, Lincoln seems to be attracted to a fellow inhabitant, Jordan Two Delta, played by the perma-pouting Scarlett Johansson - that's Jo-hansson, motherfucker, not Yo-hansson.
Sheesh.
After capturing a moth(!), further evidence that the contamination tale is phony, Lincoln follows the bug up a ventilation spout and witnesses the grim reality of what happens to those who go to The Island: organ removal.
His world view in tatters, Lincoln is forced to take drastic action when Jordan is selected as the next lucky lottery winner and, together, they flee the facility, determined to uncover the truth behind their fake lives.
A decent enough plot, though not altogether new. Logan's Run has similar themes, as does Fahrenheit 451 and, most notably, The Clonus Horror, whose makers sued Paramount Pictures and won an out of court settlement.
McCracker is competent here, but no more, Bay mystifyingly insisting he sport an American accent which, frankly, he simply cannot master, his thick Scottish drawl cutting through almost every vowel.
Johansson is nought but eye candy, not really adding much in terms of dynamics and, though there is some decent action, it all seems to drift away as the movie lumbers on and on and on. Bear in mind that the aforementioned Clonus Horror has a near identical plot and clocks in at 90 minutes whilst this drags it out for nigh on two and a half hours, and you'll see the problem. But then, it is a Michael Bay movie, so it would be foolish to expect tight editing and genuine momentum when you can just chuck a bunch of money at it and make a few more buildings explode.
All that being said, this is clearly Bay's best movie though, strangely, it was something of a flop upon initial release.
Verdict?
Excellent for Bay. average for everyone else.

3 out of 5

The Roommate (2011) Dir: Christian E. Christiansen

Don’t you just love it when they remake movies without crediting the original?
The plot:
A young fashion student heads to college and is saddled with a new roommate. To begin with, the roommate seems just a bit quirky; quiet, timid, not at all outgoing.
You know, shy-like.
We've all met them.
Soon, though, the roommate begins to exhibit disturbing behaviour and before you can say Jennifer Jason Leigh, she's a full fledged psycho, obsessed with the fashion student and determined that they be together.
Forever.
That's right, it's Single White Female for the new generation.
The generation that don't demand that their scary movies are at all scary.
The generation that don't demand that their actors can actually...erm...act.
The generation that don't seem to realise that this movie had already been made, some 19 years earlier, and in a far superior manner.
Let's look at the evidence.
1: Jennifer Jason Leigh is not in this movie. Now, whilst Leighton Meester is actually OK in her role as the manic-depressive pussy steamer, she simply can't compete with Leigh's deliciously deviant take on the same character.
2: This just isn't scary. Plain and simple. Where Single White Female was edgy and dark and had a simmering air of menace, this is tepid and weak and lily-livered.
3: The cast are all so damn good looking, none of it seems real. Sure, Fonda and Leigh are hardly bad to look at, but these freaks, both male and female, are all so photogenic you spend most of the movie hoping that the dormitory sprinkler system suddenly activates and sprays them all with fucking acid.
4: There is a lack of real crescendo. Where SWF gradually built to it's finale, this one trickles along then just goes BANG, again diluting any sense of menace that should have been present.
Whilst not the worst film I've seen this year, it will probably make the bottom ten when the year's done.
OK for 16 year olds is my verdict, for the rest of us just fairly tedious.

2 out of 5