The Day the Earth Stopped (2008) Dir: C. Thomas Howell

Ahh, The Asylum.
Ahh, C. Thomas Howell, you've just got to love 'em.
The mockbuster is alive and well and in competent hands as, here, Howell dishes up a nonsensical, ramshackle tale of sub-par Star Trek alien invasion that will entertain as much as it confounds.
The plot: A male and female alien, apparently sent from one of the enormous robotic devices that have landed in all of the Earth's major cities, are captured by square jawed military sorts, and beaten up for a bit.
One of the soldiers - writer / director Howell - takes exception to this, particularly the mistreatment of the big-titted female, and decides to go renegade, saving her from the ordeal. As she gradually begins to trust him, she reveals the true purpose of the alien visitation: to provide mankind one opportunity to prove their worthiness, else face annihilation.
Heh, this is an Asylum film, so we expect dreadful effects and piss poor acting and, for the most part, they are present and correct. What we do not expect is a score that is actually energising, nor a directorial performance that must rank as Howell's all time career high.
You know, at times, I actually found myself enjoying this, actually found myself drawn into the story and, clearly, this really pissed me off. This is an Asylum movie: It's meant to be shit.
That being said, this could all be explained away by my peculiarites as the person I was watching it with described it as 'an assault on their humanity.'
Fair point, I guess, and something The Asylum may wish to put on any promotional material they produce from this point forward.
Massively cheap, massively derivative, but certainly not as bad as it should be, I suspect I would prefer this to the Keanu Reeves mega-movie this cashed in on.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009) Dir: Jack Perez

There are some movie titles that just scream out at me '"Watch this!" despite the fact that I know, with absolute certainty, they will be awful.
There are certain movie conventions and genre's that just demand my attention and, for my shame, giant killer sharks is most certainly one of them. The context almost doesn't matter All I need to know about a film is that it will feature at least one enormous, mutant shark, though more is better, as with the very entertaining Shark Swarm, the movie with possibly my favourite DVD cover:




as well as a great tagline: Fear travels in packs.
So, with Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus the promise is that we will have not one, but two aquatic behemoths, presumably engaged in battle, Godzilla Vs. Mothra styleeeee.....
The plot: As a glacier suddenly recedes due to global warming, the titular monsters are released from their icy prison, where they have been encased since prehistoric times:
Megalodon, a hitherto extinct species of super shark that, according to the fiction of the movie, can leap as high as the clouds and ensnare a jumbo jet coming into land.
Giant Octopus, an eight tentacled brute that seems to attack anything that moves, but has a particular dislike for Megalodon's.
A team of scientists led by 80's pop starlet Debbie 'Electric Youth' Gibson (!) devise a plan to bring the beasts back together, in an ocean trench, where they will fight to their watery death.
Being an Asylum movie, several things are guaranteed:
The narrative will struggle to fill the running time, resulting in many torturously lengthy scenes that lead nowhere.
The special effects will be diabolical and repetitive.
The acting will be on a par with most 70's porn.
All of the above are present and correct.
But something is missing here. Some indefinable ingredient that elevates it above the insipid into kitsch, campy goodness.
As bizarre as it may seem with such a title, the movie is just not OTT enough. Despite the plane attack, despite the shark hanging off the fucking Golden Gate Bridge, despite the ambition far above what the budget could ever stretch to.
In fact, this movie committed the cardinal sin for a a B movie: It bored me.
Pretty disappointed with this one.

2 out of 5