You know when you get the urge to do something really adventurous? It strikes from time to time, when the grim reality of my own pointless existence hits home and I think I need to do something, anything just to spice things up a little.
Well, here's my advice: Don't go fucking caving.
The plot: With a cyclone closing in fast, a group of cave explorers find themselves trapped in the bowels of the Papua New Guinean Earth, their only hope for survival being to find a way through the unexplored section of the cave system in the hope of locating an exit.
With a father and son in the team who really don't like each other too much, and the same father and his boss who seem to like each other even less, expect plenty of emotional over-wroughtness and testosterone fulled rantings.
And the only question is not whether they will survive, but how many of them will die along the way.
Essentially, this is after all a movie about a bunch of people wandering around in a cave, so you may feel that it will struggle for legs but the energy of the on screen action keeps the momentum flowing just nicely. Whilst the characterisations are a tad on the thin side, the writers at least have a go and are partially successful, as the leader of the expedition is massively engaging; brash, abrasive, utterly focused on what needs to be done, an automaton in a wetsuit, whilst his boss is perhaps one of the most dislikable characters in movie history; handsome, successful, confident, physically fit.
Seriously, he made me want to puke.
Jamews Cameron's name tag remains something of a mystery, save for the obvious financial gain such a label will bring, and the 3D is utterly redundant but, those issues aside, this is an efficient enough 'will they escape the calamity' movie in the mould of The Poseidon Adventure.
Not as bad as many would have you believe.
3 out of 5
Showing posts with label Disaster movie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Disaster movie. Show all posts
Monday, 14 February 2011
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
2012 (2009) Dir: Roland Emmerich
As the Mayan calendar ticks down day by day, Roland 'Independence Day' Emmerich felt the time was ripe for him to make a disaster movie based on the impending doom we face as a race.
See, he's never made a disaster movie before, his previous offerings being the sci-fi guff Independence Day, creature feature Godzilla, beefcake tussling in Universal Soldier and.....oh hang on, wait just one flinking flanking second....impending disaster movie The Day After Tomorrow.
So, what would draw a man of such copious and undeniable talent back to the same subject matter once more?
Who the Christ knows.
The plot:
Solar flares are happening.
They're really big.
The Earth's crust is destabilising.
Massive earthquakes are occurring.
And tsunami's.
And winds so gusty they can whip your skegs off from beneath your very trousers.
Cities crumble into the ocean.
Aeroplanes wend their way between falling skyscrapers like the ultimate level of Sega's Afterburner.
And it's all such a load of absolute cock it's hard not to be taken along for the ride.
At every level, this is diabolical, yet still it entertained, still it kept me watching.
Where loud explosions and fraught voices usually leave me cowering in the corner, flashbacks to a terrifying childhood manifesting themselves in adult life, here they merely entertained.
Look, I know it's twaddle, I know it should be hateful.
But I bloody well enjoyed it.
So fuck right off.
3 out of 5
See, he's never made a disaster movie before, his previous offerings being the sci-fi guff Independence Day, creature feature Godzilla, beefcake tussling in Universal Soldier and.....oh hang on, wait just one flinking flanking second....impending disaster movie The Day After Tomorrow.
So, what would draw a man of such copious and undeniable talent back to the same subject matter once more?
Who the Christ knows.
The plot:
Solar flares are happening.
They're really big.
The Earth's crust is destabilising.
Massive earthquakes are occurring.
And tsunami's.
And winds so gusty they can whip your skegs off from beneath your very trousers.
Cities crumble into the ocean.
Aeroplanes wend their way between falling skyscrapers like the ultimate level of Sega's Afterburner.
And it's all such a load of absolute cock it's hard not to be taken along for the ride.
At every level, this is diabolical, yet still it entertained, still it kept me watching.
Where loud explosions and fraught voices usually leave me cowering in the corner, flashbacks to a terrifying childhood manifesting themselves in adult life, here they merely entertained.
Look, I know it's twaddle, I know it should be hateful.
But I bloody well enjoyed it.
So fuck right off.
3 out of 5
Sunday, 28 November 2010
Unstoppable (2010) Dir: Tony Scott
I approached this movie with mixed emotions.
I love Denzel Washington. His aura, his mannerisms, the way he speaks. He is a real presence in every movie.
I don’t really like Tony Scott's direction. Too stylised, too frenetic, too MT freakin' V.
So would the presence of both on the same movie cancel each other out? Well, it didn't work for me with Man on Fire.
Who would win out?
The actor or the director?
In truth, both do just fine.
The plot: When a railroad operative foolishly steps off the train which he is driving to flip a switch to change the points on the track, he inadvertently sets off a chain of events with potentially epic consequences. The controls are not set properly as he alights the train, moving well below walking speed, so that, between him stepping off and reaching the points switch, the engine is engaged and the train rumbles off, gaining speed all the time. The driver has no chance of getting back on board, so now the game is on: How to stop a half mile long train, pack with a multitude of cargo, including molten phelon, a lethal and highly toxic substance.
Denzel and his new charge Will (Chris 'Kirk' Pine) are the only men in a position to do anything about the projectile but, inevitably, must put their lives at risk to do so.
And it's a great watch.
Super-charged, massively entertaining, this rattles along at a fair old clip, Scott holding his overtly annoying fast-edit predilections in check for the most part.
Denzel is great as always, and Chris Pine does a decent job of matching him blow for blow.
As high concept as it gets, I guess, the fact that it is also based on a true story adds an element of class to proceedings along with the performances of the leads.
Gripping and tense, this is something of a thrill ride.
Very good.
I love Denzel Washington. His aura, his mannerisms, the way he speaks. He is a real presence in every movie.
I don’t really like Tony Scott's direction. Too stylised, too frenetic, too MT freakin' V.
So would the presence of both on the same movie cancel each other out? Well, it didn't work for me with Man on Fire.
Who would win out?
The actor or the director?
In truth, both do just fine.
The plot: When a railroad operative foolishly steps off the train which he is driving to flip a switch to change the points on the track, he inadvertently sets off a chain of events with potentially epic consequences. The controls are not set properly as he alights the train, moving well below walking speed, so that, between him stepping off and reaching the points switch, the engine is engaged and the train rumbles off, gaining speed all the time. The driver has no chance of getting back on board, so now the game is on: How to stop a half mile long train, pack with a multitude of cargo, including molten phelon, a lethal and highly toxic substance.
Denzel and his new charge Will (Chris 'Kirk' Pine) are the only men in a position to do anything about the projectile but, inevitably, must put their lives at risk to do so.
And it's a great watch.
Super-charged, massively entertaining, this rattles along at a fair old clip, Scott holding his overtly annoying fast-edit predilections in check for the most part.
Denzel is great as always, and Chris Pine does a decent job of matching him blow for blow.
As high concept as it gets, I guess, the fact that it is also based on a true story adds an element of class to proceedings along with the performances of the leads.
Gripping and tense, this is something of a thrill ride.
Very good.
Saturday, 24 July 2010
The Core (2003) Dir: Jon Amiel
Wen naktural disastars are geting moor and moor offten, clevar sientists work owt vat somefing mite be gowing on an send a speshul kind of spaseship into the grownd to do somefing unusewel to the caw of the planit so vat we can be abel to be alive and stuff and on ve way sum of the peepol on ve speshul craft get kild and get smashd and get crushd and make it into the hole in the miggle and get the stuf thair moving agen so all the peeple are happey.
Ve end.
Ve end.
Volcano (1997) Dir: Mick Jackson
Sometimes I get really depressed when I read comments made by the general public about movies.
I'm not talking about movie critics here, I'm on about the normal nobody bods such as myself who have a passion for movies and feel the almost unnnatural urge to spout their views about them, as if anybody actually gives a shit. I'm in their demograph yet sometimes I feel as if I know them not at all.
The reason for my griping?
Reading endless comments about how this movie was just about the 'special effects' or just about the melodrama, or there was too much focus on the human side of the tragedy unfolding on screen.
What do these fucknuts expect?
It's a disaster movie. That's what happens in disaster movies. It's like choosing to watch a martial arts flick and bleating about the men being too rough, or watching a porno and complaining about the nudity. It goes with the territory, you insufferable swellings.
*and relax*
Well, here we have Tommy Lee Jones leading the battle to spare as many lives as possible when a natural catastrophe strikes Los Angeles in the form of a volcano erupting beneath MacArthur Park.
That's all you need to know.
Honest.
Cue the usual highly fraught scenes of women and children, the ubiquitous 'pet in peril', as well as a less than subtle racial take on things, as blacks and whites are compelled to join forces to do battle against a new, colour blind foe: lava.
It's preposterous.
Of course it is.
But it's held together by the two leads and the fact that broiling lava is always an impressive visual spectacle. In truth, this is a 3 out of 5 rating, but the very presence of Tommy Lee Jones elevates it by one point. Seriously, he could tell me that I had cancer in every part of my body and I would still be entertained and more than a little aroused.
A disaster flick for the 90's, then, and more than adequate at that.
I'm not talking about movie critics here, I'm on about the normal nobody bods such as myself who have a passion for movies and feel the almost unnnatural urge to spout their views about them, as if anybody actually gives a shit. I'm in their demograph yet sometimes I feel as if I know them not at all.
The reason for my griping?
Reading endless comments about how this movie was just about the 'special effects' or just about the melodrama, or there was too much focus on the human side of the tragedy unfolding on screen.
What do these fucknuts expect?
It's a disaster movie. That's what happens in disaster movies. It's like choosing to watch a martial arts flick and bleating about the men being too rough, or watching a porno and complaining about the nudity. It goes with the territory, you insufferable swellings.
*and relax*
Well, here we have Tommy Lee Jones leading the battle to spare as many lives as possible when a natural catastrophe strikes Los Angeles in the form of a volcano erupting beneath MacArthur Park.
That's all you need to know.
Honest.
Cue the usual highly fraught scenes of women and children, the ubiquitous 'pet in peril', as well as a less than subtle racial take on things, as blacks and whites are compelled to join forces to do battle against a new, colour blind foe: lava.
It's preposterous.
Of course it is.
But it's held together by the two leads and the fact that broiling lava is always an impressive visual spectacle. In truth, this is a 3 out of 5 rating, but the very presence of Tommy Lee Jones elevates it by one point. Seriously, he could tell me that I had cancer in every part of my body and I would still be entertained and more than a little aroused.
A disaster flick for the 90's, then, and more than adequate at that.
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