Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) Dir: Rob Marshall

It is getting difficult to feel angry about these films now, but I'll give it my best shot.
The plot:
Johnny Depp swaggers around in his usual faux-drunken manner, this time in a quest to reach The Fountain of Youth, only to discover that Evil Pirate Blackbeard (played with some measure of menace by the wonderfully sinister Ian McShane - the only good thing about the damned movie) and his equally distrustful daughter, played by vapid puff of air Penelope Cruz. On the way, he'll encounter Mermaids, buckle some swashes and have to jump over some barrels.
That's about it.
And what a great, clunking, tedious mess it is.
Firstly, the plot. There isn't one. It's just a series of disparate scenes strung together, with no clear purpose, no real sense of momentum and with barely coherent thought.
Secondly, the performances. There aren't any. With the clear exception of McShane who would be marvellous simply reading aloud the label of a medicine bottle. Depp is imbecilic, Cruz is so dunder-headed and inconsequential she may as well have been invisible and even Geoffrey 'I've won an Oscar, don't you know' Rush seems bored.
Thirdly, the action. It's preposterous. A series of pratfalls and whimsical 'comedy' that would bring a smite of embarrassment even to Benny Hill, this is childish gubbins that offends the intelligence of all but the most air-headed.
And this really cost $250,000,000 dollars?
The director should be appalled at his performance.
Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful film-making.

1 out of 5

Thor (2011) Dir: Kenneth Branagh

You know, I really thought this would be awful.
The plot:
Having angered his father, Odin, by defying clear instructions not to wage war with the Frost Giants of the Jotunheim, Thor has imperiled the idyllic, peaceful domain of Asgard, as well as the other nine realms and, as punishment, is banished from his home, sent to present day Earth, stripped of his powers and separated from his mighty hammer (no, that's not a euphemism).
A trio of astrologers investigating astral phenomena bump into him, quite literally, and try to assist him, but are puzzled by his odd behaviour. He insists that he is Thor, son of Odin, speaks in a strangely dramatic manner and seems not to know how everyday things work. Convinced that he is who he claims, mainly on account of catching a glimpse of his Mighty Thor pecs' Natalie Portman's Jane Foster attempts to assist him in reclaiming his hammer but, to his horror, it does not awaken to his touch (still not a euphemism, people. Settle down at the back).
Meanwhile, in Asgard, Thor's father is taken ill, and his brother Loki sees the chance to seize the throne. Intent on betraying both his family and his people, Loki sends a terrible metallic giant to destroy Thor and also opens a gateway to allow the Jotunheim access to Odin, that he may be slain.....
It's hokum.
Of course it is.
And theatrical hokum at that, what with Anthony Hopkins positively chewing up the scenery with gusto when given licence by his Shakespearean brother in arms Branagh behind the camera.
The plot is ludicrous.
The costumes preposterously over the top.
The action set pieces nonsensically overblown.
But, I beseech thee, go check this out if you haven't yet because it is riotously entertaining.
Laugh out loud funny in places - far funnier than any 'comedy' movie I've seen in years - pulse-poundingly action packed with fantastic CGI work and a genuinely engaging lead character in the shape of man mountain Kim Hyde.
The first blockbuster of the year this most certainly is, and the bar has already been set uncommonly high.
By all of Heaven's Thunder, I liked it.

4 out of 5

NOTE - Version reviewed is the 2D print.

Red (2010) Dir: Robert Schwentke

Hmmmm,, very disappointing, this one.
I must confess, I have a bit of a man crush on Bruce Willis. Whenever he dons that tight white vest or T-shirt, something stirs within me and I find myself entertaining thoughts of cuddling up against that massive chest, my arm draped over him as he strokes my hair and we sit together and watch the original Die Hard, the whole time me telling him just how gorgeous he still looks.
Erm....erm....anyway, I do like girls.
I do....honest....just not as much as Bruce.
Red: Retired and Extremely Dangerous is an action comedy that pretty much fails to deliver on both counts.
The plot: Bruce is a retired CIA agent who, back in the day, was involved in an operation in Guatemala and, for reasons that become apparent as the movie lurches along, though now retired, this still puts him in jeopardy. Along for the ride are his old team, including Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich and a young woman who he only met previously by phone.
The old team assembled, they must defeat the evil-doers and get back to their quiet lives of retirement.
And it is pretty damn dreadful.
The issue here, folks, is all about tone. It goes for blackly comic and just comes off as 'wacky,' a word that, for any right minded individual, should fill their bowels with dread.
Malkovich is at his 'zany' worst, a sub Chris Lloyd imbecile, whilst Bruce simply seems uncomfortable. Indeed, the only real saving grace here is Mirren, who comes across as a dark and dangerous femme fatale who, at the age of 60+ is still damn sexy when she wields a massive machine gun.
Overwrought, overblown and with only two moments of actual class - the car spinning out of control as Bruce casually walks from it, and the appearance of Mirren's massive gun - this is a genuine misfire that disappointed me so much I demanded a refund at the box office - they told me to clear off, incidentally.
Regretfully,
Extremely
Disappointing.

2 out of 5

Jackie Chan's First Strike (1996) Dir: Stanley Tong

Also known as Police Story 4, this sees Chan's Supercop on the trail of a missing nuclear warhead, a trail that sees him globe-trotting quite impressively taking in, amongst other places, Australia and The Ukraine.
Not much else to say about the plot as, clearly, in movies such as this, the plot is ultimately playing a massive second fiddle to the action in much the same way as a Bond movie; the plot is merely a device used as an excuse to stage ludicrously over the top action set pieces. It's interesting to note that, when planning the reboot of the Bond franchise with Casino Royale a couple of years ago, the Bond team consulted extensively with those responsible for choreographing the action and fight sequences in Chan's movies.
Impressive.
Most impressive.
Chan is his usual, high energy bundle of litheness, springing around the set like a simian half his age, making use of everything in his vicinity to fend off the bad guys including, in one dizzying sequence, a full size stepladder.
The Bond homages are plentiful, the snowbound chase on snowcats through an alpine forest being the one that springs immediately to mind, along with the anthemic, chest thumping incidental music that accompanies it which could have been lifted direct from the Roger Moore era.
Only one small gripe here, which is the principle female lead. In most Jackie Chan movies, the women, whilst poorly scripted, are nonetheless kick ass when it comes to the fighting, more than able to hold their own in the kung fu stakes, and even get to take part in some of the more dangerous stunts. Here, the main female, Annie Tsui, played by Annie Wu, is nothing short of an irritant, constantly weeping and screaming and coming across as a bit of a wet fish, which is a shame.
I am a little puzzled, too, as to the version I watched, which seemed to end bizarrely. I have seen this movie before, though many moons ago, and I seem to recall a rather cool denouement involving a hovercraft, though that was completely absent, the movie ending abruptly after roughly one hour fifteen minutes. Now, I did watch this on Channel 5 (UK) and they can hardly be considered a broadcaster of excellence, though even for them, truncating a movie before the final showdown would be a new low. If anyone can shed any light on this, perhaps reassuring me that I am not entirely deluded, I'd appreciate it.
Certainly not Jackie's best movie, but a diverting enough way to spend an afternoon nonetheless.