Dream House (2011) Dir: Jim Sheridan

Ghost stories are ten a penny.
Haunted house stories are almost as common.
So could this one really stand out from the pack?

The plot:
A family move into a new home and all seems well. The kids don't like it too much but, you know, they're just kids so fuck them, right?
Soon, as predictable as rain on the morning of a wash day, weird things start to happen:
A sinister figure watching them through the window.
Footprints left in the snowfall.
Strange interest from local goth types.
When the man of the house, Will Atenton, hears rumour of a grisly murder in the home, he tries to keep it to himself but, inevitably, the lady wife finds out. None too impressed, she and the young girls begin to feel even more unsettled, to the point that Will decides he has to do something about it. Heading to the Mental Institute that now apparently houses the man responsible for the murders, Will doesn't know what he will find when he gets there, nor could he predict the terrible consequences of his discovery.

Ninety minutes, dead on, just as it should be, this cracks along at a fair old clip. With no time for much in the way of preamble, we're straight into it, here, and that's no bad thing.
Daniel Craig is in fine form, by turns angry and desperate and intense, and always those piercing blue eyes staring out of the screen, demanding your attention.
And he's ripped, too. By jove, he's got quite the physique.
Though fairly tame in terms of the terror levels, still this is intriguing, playing more as a psychological chiller than an all out creepfest, and it works just fine as it is. No need for gore, no need for blood, when the oddness of the situation will do very nicely, thank you.
With reluctance, I will make reference to a killer twist about halfway through. Reluctant because some bleat and bemoan when told there is a twist at all, but that's as far as I'll go.
Won't change the world, won't stick in your head too long, but for the duration this certainly entertained.
Liked it.

4 out of 5

The Thing (2011) Dir: Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.

Well, just back from The Thing '11 and, sad to report, it was fucking dreadful.
Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful.
Where Carpenter's remake original (sic) was all about a gradual sense of creeping menace, paranoia and escalating levels of insanity, as bodies split apart and spider's legs sprouted from human heads before scuttling along the floor, this one is about as subtle as a friction burn.
See, we have the prelude (about ten minutes), then the 'getting the new bods to Antarctica' bit (about ten minutes), then the monster emerges, and everything goes fucking nuts. The volume cranks up to 12, people shout and scream a lot, a CGI monster wibbles about on screen a bit.
Then it ends.
Talking of the monster, gone are the super-cool prosthetics and stretchy rubber nastiness, to be replaced with pixel perfect graphics, that dreaded lack of gravity and the overriding sense that it's not really there.
Seriously, it looks shit.
The cast are as bland as potato flavour crisps and the whole experience was so crushingly dull I fell asleep several times, only to be awoken by a crashing thump of music as something 'scary' took place and, frankly, I'd preferred to have stayed asleep.
The only moment of pleasure came as the end credits rolled, and not for the obvious gag factor, but because it was at this point that Carpenter's majestic score kicked in, and the set-up for the opening sequences in the 80's version was played out.
Other than that, a total waste of space.
Bloody awful.

2 out of 5

Second in Command (2006) Dir: Simon Fellows

There are few things that quicken the pulse of a red-blooded, red meat munching, testosterone fuelled, pussy-pounding ultra male more than a new Jean Claude Van Damme movie appearing on the V+ hard drive.

The plot:
The movie starts with a gaggle of twats sitting at a bar, discussing the imminent arrival of 'the hardest man they've ever met.'
Who could it be?
Yes, it's Long Cord Man Slamme.
See, Long Cord is a Special Forces type, eager for some fighting, so he's headed into this country, a none-specific Eastern Communist kind of place with Islamic overtones - think Chechnya, but with less of a sense of humour.
As it happens, the very day after he appears, the local militia stage an uprising and, before you know it, Man Slamme, the country's ex-president, and a bunch of assorted perishables are holed up in the US Embassy, awaiting rescue by either the US forces, or the army still loyal to the president.
Will they be able to withstand the militia's onslaught?
And, crucially, will they be able to understand a single word Man Slamme is saying?

It's utter nonsense. Of course it is, but you know that going in.
The plot is derisory.
The acting atrocious.
The script laughably poor.
Even the lip-synching is about as precise as a really substandard edition of Swedish Erotica, but who gives a fuck?
It's got Long Cord Man Slamme in it, and that's all anybody cares about.
He may be knocking on in years, but he is still a glorious sight in full flow. Sure, he can't pirouette with the same frequency as before, but he's still got some chops: this motherfucker moves like a panther on occasion.
With marks deducted for the lack of the requisite buttock shot - age related again, I suspect, but I reckon he'd still look joyous with a soft filter and a decent application of boy-oils - this is certainly latter period Man Slamme, but that don't make it wrong.
A terrible film, really.
I thoroughly enjoyed it.

4 out of 5

Urban Legend (1998) Dir: Jamie Blanks

Scraping the bottom of the Scream barrel, this was dull as pond scum.

The plot:
A college campus, infested only with beautiful young things, is suddenly traumatised when mysterious deaths begin to occur. There seems no connection between the victims, until someone realises that all of the murders are played out in the guise of one sort of urban legend or another.

And that's it.
That's the hook.
No Indian burial ground.
No ancient curse invoked when a gypsy women is run over by an 18 wheeler.
Hell, not even an entity from a parallel dimension sent through to experiment on mankind, to weaken us, ready for the invasion.
Nope, instead we have a killer who wanders around in a grey parka, with the hood up.
Ooooohhhhh, I'm really scared.
Mommy, mommy, come hide me from the nasty man in the Parka with the woolly hood.
Insufferably safe and middle of the road, this really is aimed at the amoeba end of the cinema digesting spectrum.
This spawned two sequels, incidentally and, rest assured, they will remain unwatched.
Rubbish!

2 out of 5

Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) Dir: Joe Chappelle

It's part 6 of a slasher franchise, so you pretty much know what to expect, and there are no real surprises.

The plot:
Six years after Michael Myers' initial killing spree in Carpenter's classic original, the masked maniac is back to finish off what he started: kill all the Strode's.
Along the way we encounter a dysfunctional family unit, a vaguely Satanic radio broadcast and more gore than we've seen before.

That's all folks.
The only points worth noting here are one super-cool back reference to Halloween 2, as Michael wanders around a spooky hospital at night, and the fact that his sinister mask seems to have had a make-over, so he now looks even more chilling than usual.
Average slasher fodder, then.

3 our of 5

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972) Dir: J. Lee Thompson

Movie number four in the original series, and the one that would be used some 29 years later as the basis for the recent Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

The plot:
In 1983, a mysterious virus eliminates all of the cats and dogs in the world, leading humans to take in apes as pets and it's not long before the animals are being used by their masters to assist with household chores.
Skip forward eight years to 1991, and the world has taken to exploiting apes as slave labour.
Caesar, the offspring of Cornelius and Zira, is a lone speaking ape, though this is a secret known only to his friend and master Armando.
Witnessing the brutalising of apes by humans in SS style uniforms, Caesar can hold his tongue no longer, and calls out an insult.
Identified now, Caesar becomes a target for the authorities - a talking ape is a dangerous precedent - and Caesar is forced to go into hiding but, secretly, he begins to train the rest of his kind, before leading them in an uprising against their former masters.

And it's captivating stuff.
Roddy McDowall, though caked in ape make-up, does a sterling job of wringing every last drop of pathos out of the plight of poor Caesar.
The realisation, though minimal due to the tightness of the budget, is nonetheless effective, as human society is portrayed as a fascistic, cold-hearted construct, humiliating and taking advantage of those who are weaker.
With a rousing finale that really does catch the breath in the throat, for a fourth outing in a franchise this is quality stuff indeed, and it's easy to see why this one was selected as the basis for a 21st century reimagining.
A genuine cult classic

4 out of 5

Doomwatch (1972) Dir: Peter Sasdy

Massively over-wrought full length feature version of the paranoid seventies BBC classic.

The plot:
Pollution watchdog agency Doomwatch are drafted in when something strange seems to be affecting a small island community.
The fish the locals rely on for their livelihoods are getting ever larger and, more troublingly, it seems anyone who eats the produce begins to transform: skulls thicken, jaws begin to jut, limbs begin to change shape.
What is it that is causing the mutation to both fish and people alike?
And could it have anything to do with the stretch of water sealed off by the Ministry of Defence?

Whilst the TV show from which this spawned was brooding and melancholic, this is instead melodramatic and plain irritating. Coming across more like a slightly higher budget 'Play for the Day' this seems frankly amateurish on occasion and the lead actor, Ian Bannen, playing Dr. Del Shaw is utterly absurd.
As an avid fan of British 70's sci-fi, I had high hopes for this, but those with similar interests would do better to give this a miss and instead check out The Doombolt Chase, or Pertwee era Doctor Who.
Dismal and dreary, this bored me, I'm afraid.

2 out of 5